A long drive from Toronto to Ottawa

On Boxing Day Rachelle and I drove from our broken, powerless apartment in Toronto to visit my family in Ottawa. Actually, Rachelle did all of the driving while I sat in the passenger seat making observations. A trip that normally would take four hours, took eight. These are the Tweets I sent out on our journey:

michaelmurrayca: We’re finally leaving the cold, dark ice cave of Toronto!

michaelmurrayca: First, passing through the Rosedale Valley of Death. The forest is looming bent and horrible over road, like tree in Poltergeist.

michaelmurrayca: Oh. All of Toronto also fleeing apocalypse city.

michaelmurrayca: Avoid highway unless you find tranquility in stillness. Move through car wash at much greater velocity.

michaelmurrayca: Red tail lights in front of us stretching from here to Mordor. # LikeDeathLava

michaelmurrayca: Time of winter day when everything is the same colour– even salt-wretched cars in traffic jam.

michaelmurrayca: Now moving like pre-twilight wolves through landscape! Oh. Never mind. Traffic jam again. #BoxingDayBestDayOfYear

michaelmurrayca: Empty, Dark Onroutes, like post-apocalyptic tumble weeds, litter the side of highway like reminder of life we once knew.

michaelmurrayca: Very hungry. #Hangry

michaelmurrayca: Port Hope Pizza Pizza is a crime scene. 40 customers, 1 employee. #ThereWillBeBlood

michaelmurrayca: Now full of McDonald Happy Meal. You know how I feel.

michaelmurrayca: Now trapped in an actual parking lot. Feel like punching things.

michaelmurrayca: Now moving as fast as flying dolphins! Our lives redeemed!

michaelmurrayca: Flying dolphins tricked into traffic jam cove! Hate tricks!

michaelmurrayca: 3 hours 46 minutes to not yet Belleville.

michaelmurrayca: My wife doesn’t so much like me playing Nick Cave in a traffic crisis.# BadTasteWife!

michaelmurrayca: Can’t believe wife doesn’t like listening to Sting! # WhoIsThisWoman?

michaelmurrayca: Now playing girl music. #MarriageTipsForTrafficJam

michaelmurrayca: Retract usage of “girl music,” meant “good music.” Very lucky to have wife like Rachelle!#MarriageProTip

michaelmurrayca: Apparently I “yell” when I speak on the phone, and ” should have gotten your (my) fucking driver’s license decades ago.”# whatever

michaelmurrayca: Stony silence for an hour and a half good for both our morale.

michaelmurrayca: Now listening to Christian motivational CD. God wants us to succeed.

michaelmurrayca: Let Jesus be your co-pilot, says voice on CD. No idea how to apply that to a traffic jam.# UselessChristianTips

michaelmurrayca: If I was King of Kings, would create traffic removal trucks instead of just snow removal trucks. #UsefulThingsGodCouldDo

michaelmurrayca: Also, if King of Kings would move Toronto and Ottawa closer together. 3 hour trip regardless of transportation method. #SoSayethTheLord

michaelmurrayca: Just didn’t expect to hit a deer while in a traffic jam. Very demoralizing, especially since deer Rachelle’s spirit guide.

michaelmurrayca:  Pretty sure Christmas now very, very ruined.

michaelmurrayca: Very dark stretch of the road, like Cormac McCarthy novel only without spears and fancy language.

michaelmurrayca: Traffic loosening up after Kingston, but now icy and douche trucks everywhere!!

michaelmurrayca: We both tried to love you and the world the best we could!