Bullwhip

Last weekend Rachelle and I took our dog Heidi to Christie Pits to have a little picnic. Shortly, not far in the distance, appeared a shirtless man with long, red hair and reflective sunglasses. He was wearing jeans and carrying a bullwhip, which he was snapping about in various postures of expertise and masculinity. The bullwhip, you should know, is loud, really loud. I was actually kind of shocked, as it sounded like a gun going off, each snap reverberating throughout the entire park as if a catastrophe.

The shirtless dude started off near a garbage can but soon moved into a more central position by a big, beautiful tree. It was here where he began to bullwhip the leaves off of the tree. Such a dedicated warrior! Such terrifying accuracy!! As he didn’t seem like the type who was adverse to a little bit of attention, Rachelle and I took the dog over to have a closer look. He nodded at us, and we nodded back, noticing that he was actually stunningly good looking.

Rachelle: Cool!!

Douche with the whip: (In a completely posh British accent) Would you like to try?

Rachelle: (Giggles)

Me: (Holding the twig I had been using to play fetch with Heidi and in an unfortunately thin and raspy voice) Are you a Indiana Jones or something?

Douche with the whip: I’m sorry sir, I couldn’t quite hear you.

Me: (Clearing my throat and taking a lozenge) My allergies are bothering me, I said, “Are you Indiana Jones?”

Rachelle: (Stepping forward) I’d like to try now, please!

Douche with the whip: (Smiling like Jude Law) No, I’m not, but my agent thought it would be a good idea if I learned a little bit about the whip as he has an audition for me in a new role on Game of Thrones. I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to have that opportunity, so you’ll have to forgive me if I’m making a display of myself out here, but you really need space to practice. (To Rachelle) Of course you can try!

Rachelle: (Jumping up and down and clapping her hands)

Me: I’m a well-known writer. I’ve been interviewed on TV.

Rachelle: Oh, that was a long time ago, Pickle! You haven’t been a columnist in years!! (To the douche) Everybody on Game of Thrones is so beautiful, I’m sure you’ll get the part!!

Douche with the whip: (Holding Rachelle around the waist and guiding her hand as she held the whip) You have to really relax your wrist and use a very free and easy motion.

Me: I think Game of Thrones is over-rated. Without the nudity nobody would even notice the show.

Rachelle: Will your character be asked to do any nudity? Oh, and I’m Rachelle (she actually tossed her hair), what’s your name?

Douche with whip: My name is William Burroughs, like the author. Apparently we’re related but I don’t know exactly how.

Me: Rachelle, Heidi’s not feeling well and needs to go home.

Rachelle: Okay Pickle, you take her, I’ll catch up later!