Dream Interpretations

For a while now, I’ve been collaborating with two other people on a book that interprets dreams that feature celebrities.

We’re going to make millions and millions and millions of dollars, and then we’ll probably each buy a sports franchise. This is an excerpt from that book:

The Burger King:

If you are to dream of this deformed, hybrid monster, then it is certain that dark days loom before you and that murder may soon be in your future. Take care when dealing with weapons and seek the counsel of a priest. If the Burger King of your dreams was flying and you were able to fell the creature with a crossbow, then it is foretold that a sickness will fall upon the land.

Nadia Comaneci:

If you are to dream of this darling of the 1976 Montreal Olympics, and if she is doing her adorable floor routine, you will be blessed with a new mistress. If you dream of a young Nadia and she is holding a doll of herself, it is a clear sign that one of your mistresses is sure to become pregnant.

However, if you dream of the adult Nadia Comaneci, it is a warning that your wife may soon discover one of your mistresses and you must take precautions in your romantic liaisons and limit your alcohol consumption. Best to drink only clear liquors.

God, Our Heavenly Father:

This is a most auspicious dream, full of glad tidings! It is a certainty that your enemies will be struck dead and that rapid advancement in employment will be yours to enjoy. If you and God are best friends and gossiping, then it means that useful information that you can use to your advantage will soon be coming your way. However, if you dreamed of our Lord and he was tired, just sitting by himself in his bedroom with his cat, and you got the sense that he was lonely and disappointed, it is a warning that you have been taking the pleasures of your life for granted and that homosexuality, in spite of the desires you might feel, is a sin!