Duck For Mayor

People have been trying to get me more involved in politics for an awfully long time.

Obviously, I’d make a great leader. I have the physical charisma our culture demands of its politicians, have an agile, encyclopedic brain, speak 6 languages and have a PHD in people. However, since I sincerely believe that fame is a curse, I refuse to put my wife and dog through the constant, ceaseless scrutiny that my taking office would entail, so I say, once again, I will not be running for Mayor of Toronto.

This does not mean that I am abdicating my civic duty to the great, multicultural, world-class city of Toronto. I have just signed on (salary and benefits part of a non-disclosure agreement) to be a part of the Duck For Mayor (@duckformayor on Twitter) team working to elect a duck for mayor of Toronto. My duties will be vast, but one of the first things I will be doing is forming a coherent platform that serves all Torontonians, something that I will be unveiling through a series of Tweets on Twitter.

@duckformayor: The carnage in Chinatown must be stopped!

@duckformayor: When I am mayor of Toronto, I will raze Chinatown!

@duckformayor: Both of them!

@duckformayor: Duck for Mayor will be a just Mayor, but a vengeful one!

@duckformayor: Tough on crime!

@duckformayor: Not afraid to walk the walk.

@duckformayor: Duck for Mayor supports the brave police officers of the Greater Toronto Area!

@duckformayor: Unlike some candidates, Duck for Mayor has never been convicted of drunk driving! #RobFordHas

@duckformayor: Plan to restructure transits includes, canals, canals, canals!

@duckformayor: Subways already flooding, why not leave them that way?

@duckformayor: HUGE taxpayer savings in foregoing repair costs!

@duckformayor: Also, tourists will love gondola rides through Toronto’s famous underground canals!

@duckformayor: Come on, Toronto, think big, vote Duck!

@duckformayor: Rumours of my affair with Margaret Atwood have been greatly exaggerated. #TorontoStarIsTrash

@duckformayor: Classy lady, though, don’t have a bad word to say about her.

@duckformayor: Did some great camping together back in the day.

@duckformayor: Canals, canals, canals!

@duckformayor: Anybody else missing GOT as much as I am? #OnlyWithdrawlThisDuckKnows

@duckformayor: Death to Chinatown!!