It was here, at a pub called Roosters, where we became last-call drinking acquaintances. Ever since that time we’ve maintained sporadic contact, usually in the form of late-night messaging whenever one of us is drunk and alone, but recently, as Ford’s problems have escalated he’s asked me to take on a more strategic role in the maintenance of his public image.

I just want to let everybody know that although I’m not a political or even personal supporter of Rob Ford,  I do have some sympathy for him, which is why I help out. I grew up around guys like him, boys who came from wealthy families but preferred sports to school. They liked to party, mostly, and as the years advanced a kind of self-loathing typically settled in right next to their sense of entitlement. Pressured by family toward a measured, presentable career they never wanted, these men hated the pretenses and expectations of the rarified culture from which they were bred, and soon enough felt victimized and angry. As if having tumbled from their family homes up on the hill, I would see them at last-call in marginal bars, places where their peers would never dream to inhabit, places where predictably being able to pay for your own drinks was sufficient to earn you a kind of social capital. Rob Ford is one of these men. He’s a guy who should have become a gym teacher, but propelled by an instinctive fury and a certainty of both his victimization and superiority, he’s lurched swinging into a job for which he’s completely over-matched.

It’s the sort of thing that simply can’t end well.

As the story of the video of Ford allegedly smoking crack cocaine was detonating the news cycle, I got this message from Ford:

MUR:

THE FUCKING SHIT IS HITTING THE FUCKING SHIT FAN!! THERE’S SHIT EVERYWHERE!!! IT’S SHIT STORM CENTRAL!! THE FAKE VIDEO OF ME NOT SMOKING CRACK IN LITTLE SOMALILAND WITH 5-STAR AND CHICKEN WING HAS TO BE DESTROYED. WE NEED TO BUY IT BEFORE THE SHITSTARTER ASSEHOLES DO! IT’S THIRD AND LONG!! GIVE ME A PLAN, LITTLE BUDDY, YOUR BRAIN IS LIKE A RUNNING BACK!!

ROBBER

Slobber:

This is what we do.

Remember that guy who used the Internet to trade up from a paper clip to a house? Well, we do the same thing. We’ll create a shell, a grassroots organization that just wants to see the people who report crimes punished rather than those who commit them. We will call it CITIZENS UNITED AGAINST BLACKMAIL, and we refer to ourselves as Cubs For(d) Justice.

The first item we put up is a Rob Ford fridge magnet, just like the ones you were running around putting on cars in a parking lot, when you weren’t high on coke, while that meeting you were supposed to be attending was taking place.

As the drug dealers you don’t know want $200,000 and to move to Calgary, I say our end game is to trade them an expensive home in Calgary for the video you’re not in.

I see the trading (which we will manipulate through CUAB) breaking down in this way:

Rob Ford Fridge Magnet = Hamster = Crack Pipe = Don Bosco Football Helmet (Collector’s edition) = A Vaporizer = Mobility Scooter (you still have the one from the cottage, right?) = Weekend In Niagara Falls= Probable Sex date With Toronto Argonaut Cheerleader= Seat on Toronto City Council = Senate Appointment = $450,00 Home In Calgary With Rental Unit in Basement That Is Near To Inadequately Defended Drug Territory.

We will then trade the house for the crack tape that doesn’t exist, snookering the media elite and winning one for the little guy.

This is the link to the post I have created on Craig’s List:

http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/bar/3818830265.html

*********************************

Prince:

“ It was in 2004 and I was on a flight from London to Dubai. While flipping through the stations on my headset I started to listen to the Oldies station because they were playing a little known Beach Boys song that I just adore called “I Can Hear Music.” I just sort of fell into the station the way that you do, and then as if plucked from my nightmares, they played “Purple Rain.” I will never forget the cheesy announcer saying, “He may be a gracefully aging king now, but he’ll always be a Prince to us.” I wanted the plane to crash.”

Bryan Adams:

“I was at the fucking Home Hardware buying a couple of those big 5 gallon water pumps for my studio, okay?”

Michael Stipe of REM:

“I was paying for gas in Michigan. Funny, though, it didn’t make me feel old or irrelevant, it just made me feel beyond time. How long did it take for that to happen? 20 years? That’s really not very much time, but that’s all it took for us to become a part of musical history, to become the music that your parents loved. “

Sarah McLachlan:

“Oh Christ, I wish you hadn’t asked me that! I was in a Vancouver wine bar with a friend and the place was playing some generic radio station, and I don’t know why, but I was listening to the DJ just as she announced, “And here’s an oldie but a goodie by our own Sarah McLachlan—a classy woman.” And then my song “I Will Remember You “ came on and all I could think about was some woman in a retirement home singing along, broken and out of key, while thinking of her dead husband. Oh, it was just awful, I mean, it shouldn’t have been, but it was, it really, really was. And my friend Liz, who was sitting across from me, could see the obvious look of mortification on my face, and she just said, “Classy, classy woman, that Sarah McLachlan. “

Randy Travis:

“The God honest truth is I’m not positive that it was an Oldie’s station, but I was damn sure at the time that it was. I was in jail, that first night after my infamous DUI, and as I was getting processed one of the clerks was playing her radio and my song “Forever and Ever, Amen,” came on. I looked up, startled and ashamed, thinking about the words and what was actually happening to me, and I must have looked a fright because she turned it off immediately.”

After this, as a means of contrast, Rachelle and I watched Commander Hadfield’s return to Earth. For those of you who are not Canadian, Commander Chris Hadfield is a Canadian Astronaut who has spent the last 5 months on the International Space Station. It was here, through his use of Twitter– where he accumulated nearly one million followers—that he became something of a folk hero.

Avuncular, proportional and competent, Hadfield seems like a really, really nice guy. A Canadian guy. His moustache is friendly, like the sexually non-threatening moustache of a well-liked high school teacher, and his manner is sincere, thoughtful and fun, but still, you know this guy is operating at a very high level. You want him as your next-door neighbour. He would know what to do when the power went out and you thought you heard something funny in the basement.

Attached to a parachute, the Soyuz space capsule drifted down from space into a field in Kazakhstan like a child’s toy. A bunch of unofficial looking Russians then went over, as if farmers inspecting something that had fallen from the past rather than the future, and pulled the astronauts from the capsule. This was done without the least trace of urgency, like something they were practicing for in their street clothes rather than the main event.

The first out was the Russian and he looked hale, hearty and ready to start tossing a Kettlebell around. The next to follow, the American and Hadfield, looked small, pale and a little worse for the wear, like space travel extracted a physical toll.

They were all put on what looked like unmatched lawn chairs and gave the cameras the thumbs-up. Our CBC commentators were giddy, gushing about how robust and great Hadfield looked. It was surreal, like watching some weird variation of a Soviet propaganda film.

Regardless, what Hadfield did on his mission was utterly wonderful. From his photographs, videos and tweets, he shared with the public a suggestion of what might be considered the divine. The world is stunning in its beauty, and by extension we, all just brief, tiny organic outcroppings of the same living entity, are beautiful, too.

There are many who think that the International Space Station is a huge waste of money, one that doesn’t provide sufficient scientific benefit, but Hadfield, (his Space Oddity video was the most watched on YouTube Monday) showed us that data is perhaps secondary to the opportunity to see ourselves through eyes never imagined.

Open 24 hours a day, the place is large, impersonal and sloppy. The staff has nothing invested in either the customers or products, and you really do feel like you’re an anonymous cog in a massive, amoral industry. The lighting is economical and unflattering, the music bad and the absence of attentiveness, perhaps even love, is evident. It’s just not a place you really want to be, and as I made my way joylessly through the aisles– getting bumped repeatedly by the same man– I thought about everything that was wrong with it, my mood turning black.

As I waited in the line-up for the cash, I watched as an oozing package of chicken was dragged across the scanner. The cashier, dead-eyed and young, was indifferent, but the university-aged woman who was buying the chicken pointed it out to her, and without making eye contact the cashier sighed and quickly gave the scanner a wipe. She just didn’t care and was responding by rote, like an automaton, and for that shift was clearly not present in her body, never even bothering to look at the people in front of her. Naturally, this irritated me, and when it was my turn I made a point of looking at her directly. She didn’t see me at all. While looking away at some distant horizon, she mumbled the price I owed into her shoulder.

“No,” I said, “you’re speaking too quickly and too much to yourself for me to hear you.”

I’m not really sure if what I said registered, as just repeated herself, still remote and inattentive. I noticed now that she had a library book open, jammed in beside her cash register. Whenever she needed to get away from her life– which appeared to be always while working at the Metro– it was into this world she was escaping. I felt badly for my pissy mood and wanted very much for us to become human to one another, if for just one minute, and asked her what she was reading.

This startled her.

“The Calling,” she said, “it’s about the supernatural.”

“Are you enjoying it?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty good.”

“If you had supernatural powers, what would you do with them?”

“I’d bring my mom back to life,” she said.

It pretty big deal, but Heidi very strong pack leader and bounce back in no time, but still, make you think. Heidi no longer young dog. Heidi six.

Heidi think about her life and realize Heidi make a lot of bad decisions. No know why so many bad decisions but seem to happen all the time, and Heidi must now take ownership of this! Heidi have capacity to grow!!

Cheeseburger. When Heidi see cheeseburger she lose control and fight to steal cheeseburger. Not even thinking. Just cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger. When Heidi try to take cheeseburger this always make two-legged treat-givers mad and they yell, “ BAD DOG, HEIDI, BAD DOG, NO, NO, BAD DOG!!” But Heidi never listen and steal cheeseburger and eat it in quick, greed bites!! Taste so good!! But later Heidi always have belly ache, maybe stealing cheeseburger is bad decision? Heidi not sure. Have to look inside herself.

Jupiter. Jupiter stud Doberman Pinscher Heidi sometimes see. Jupiter very hot. To watch Jupiter play fetch is to lose yourself in beautiful clouds of meat! And Jupiter just smell, you know, like Alpha Dog! So dreamy! Heidi do things with Jupiter Heidi not proud of, things that make Heidi feel shame, and Jupiter always treat Heidi like just another slut dog! Jupiter no respect Heidi, just using her! Heidi think sex with Jupiter might be bad decision. Next time, just say no to Jupiter, see how he treat Heidi after that!

Holes. Heidi not sure why always putting head in holes. Heidi never know what in hole. Sometimes horrible thing in hole! Bad decision to just put head in hole. Heidi need to work on impulse control. Heidi will take ownership. Begin to change life.

Heidi also think it bad decision to bark and chase Sparkles. Sparkles Siamese cat that live down street and is pure evil!! Heidi on slave leash with two-legged four-eyed treat giver and when Heidi bark, Sparkles just attack like fur lightning! Nothing Heidi can do! Heidi handicapped and can’t run or bite, and Sparkles always think he so strong and tough and smart but not strong and tough and smart! Just ugly, stupid cat-face! Heidi so hate Sparkles! Heidi like to rip Sparkles into million pieces!!! Heidi would play fetch with Sparkles head. Heidi fucking kill Sparkles a thousand blood times over and over again!! Heidi very upset. Must go to calm place.

It’s from 1937, and in reading it I was struck by how much it had in common with communist propaganda in its certainty and fealty to a cause. Possessed with a religious optimism, the corporate soldiers marched furiously into the future, ever forward, ever reaching.  Equilibrium is stasis, and if the corporation isn’t growing, it’s failing, and so almost by definition, the appetite is infinite.

Last week an eight-story building in Bangladesh collapsed killing at least 400 people (a number that may yet rise to 1,000), most of them low-paid (25-30 cents an hour) garment workers. It was the worst accident in the history of the garment industry.

One of the companies that were manufacturing clothes in the shoddily constructed building was Joe Fresh, a very successful and popular brand here in Canada. They’re inexpensive, yet their clothes still manage to exude the downtown hipster aesthetic. As my wife says, they’re like the Ikea of clothing, offering a gentle compromise for those belonging to a fashion conscious tribe but who really can’t afford extravagantly branded proofs of their tastes.

Joe Mimran, the head of Joe Fresh, explains on the company website that this “extreme pricing” is one of their premier selling points. I don’t think it’s being overly dogmatic to say that the real cost of “extreme pricing” are tragedies like the one in Bangladesh. People, abstracted by distance and circumstance, suffer immensely so that we can wear cheap, yet cool-looking, jeans.

In this particular case, it’s been reported the factories are policed by goons who threaten the employees, mostly young women, unless they work 13- or 14- hour shifts, often seven days a week. The building that collapsed apparently had deep cracks inside of it and the workers were actually scared to go in, but nonetheless, were driven in by men wielding clubs.

Can you imagine how it must feel to be terrorized and exploited like that?  I’m not sure that I can, and I take little comfort in the argument that western industry is building a middle-class in far away lands, and that workers like those who perished in Bangladesh are better off with low paying work than nothing at all. It doesn’t ring true to me, and it’s baldly self-serving. The corporations, and the systems that they function within, are clearly taking advantage of the workers, and this is clearly wrong, regardless of the benefit you might imagine blossoming from it. Think again, on the microscopic, empathetic level, of what it must be like to work in one of these cruel sweatshops.

Our lives of whimsy, comfort and petty complaint are built upon horrible deeds.  We need to remember that, and that we enable it each day with our entitled behaviour. We all know how we feel about the Boston Marathon Bombings, but do we really know how we feel about the Rana Plaza catastrophe?

Ondrej Pavlec

Goaltender, Winnipeg Jets

Ondrej:

Lay off the fucking booze and hookers!

Or at least wait until the off-season.

Christ, you couldn’t stop one of those giant Earth Ball things all year, and it was clear that you played every game over-sexed and hung-over. You might be able to get away with that sort of shit in Mother Russia, but not here. Got it, Ivan?

And stop hanging out with Mickey Rourke, he’s a bad influence.

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Adam Henrique

Center, New Jersey Devils

Adam:

It’s hard for me to imagine what a disappointment to your family you must be. You had 5 assists all season. I could get 5 assists in just one period, and I wear glasses. You’re a disgrace. You don’t belong on a Fantasy Team, you belong on a Nightmare Team.

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Zack Kassian

Right Wing, Vancouver Canucks

Zack:

You are such a douche.

You’ll probably whine, moaning that you’re still only 22, but your built like a fucking Bigfoot and if you don’t have the talent to play with real men, then you have to use your size and primitive, douche instincts to their greatest advantage! You have to intimidate and beat-up your opponents!! It’s called “making space” for your teammates. Stop being such a pussy. You don’t deserve the nickname “The Kassassian,” you deserve the nickname “The Kack Factor.”

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Ilya Kovalchuk

Left wing, New Jersey Devils

Ilya:

That was the worst season of your career.

Thanks a lot.

I hate you.

You are not welcome in the city of Toronto.

Your last name sounds like the noise I make while looking at your final numbers and throwing-up.

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Eric Cole

Left wing, Dallas Stars

Eric:

Why didn’t you retire?

Your performance was worse than useless all season long.

You’re ugly and I hope your post-career car dealership goes bankrupt.

Your owner,

Michael Murray

The guy at the cash seemed kind of impressed, “ In jail, eh?”

This pleased the girl. She had a secret, and this secret gave her a kind of social power.

“Yeah, it’s pretty bad, “ and then she paused for dramatic effect,” first degree murder,” she added, her eyes now shining. She sounded so very proud. And then she and her friend, all tattoos and cleavage and youth, splashed out on the street, thrilled with their gangster lives and this small but bright moment of being somehow more than was expected.

On our way home the dog and I passed the renascent center at the end of the street. As usual there were about a half dozen men– all wearing their cleanest, most hated church clothes– smoking and looking deprived on the steps of the place. A young and beautiful woman then pulled her expensive car into the driveway of the center. She did this quickly, with a kind of indifference that suggested a lack of consideration, maybe even contempt, for the world around her. She waved her hands about, as if trying to dispel the smell of cheap cologne that hung over these men like a cloud of sorrow. Wearing yoga pants and designer sunglasses she cut wordlessly through them, in the process becoming the physical manifestation of the world beyond their grasp, and they went silent for this parting, their minds racing.

This Tweet, which caused a dramatic drop in the stock market, is one that I am responsible for. I’m a pretty good hacker, and as I had some free time on Tuesday, I thought I would mess around and manipulate the international markets. Of course, I’ve been doing this sort of thing for a long time and have often hacked CNN’s Twitter. What follows are some of the Tweets I’ve sent out over the years under the CNN banner:

The Cable News Network @CNN

Breaking: Bigfoot corned and in shoot-out with police in Cannon Beach, Oregon.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Terror Alert: Black.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Gwyneth Paltrow has a cheat day: Allows herself one Native Spirit cigarette each Saturday.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Correction: Gwyneth Paltrow allows herself a cigarette once a week, NOT necessarily on Saturday.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Last living Inuit passes away at age 34. US to mint commemorative coin.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Officials report that 70% of Austria is now in flames after an explosion at a paint factory.

The Cable News Network @CNN

New tank built by the US Military reported to travel in excess of 225 mph.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Breaking: Two Kardashian sisters confirmed dead after opening fan letters laced with Nicin.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Correction: NOT fan letters. Investigation continues.

The Cable News Network @CNN

New Pope considering easing church restrictions on prostitution.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Now illegal in Canada and punishable for up to 5 yrs in prison if pregnant woman caught smoking.

The Cable News Network @CNN

German scientists suggest that the heart may not be responsible for pumping blood in the human body.

The Cable News Network @CNN

The IOC to cancel all Olympic events involving running. Officials say likely to be more trampoline and gun events.

The Cable News Network @CNN

Terror Alert: Very black.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Wow.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Fucking wow.

@TOPDOGMAYOR:  Don’t think that guy will be finishing the race. What a shame. : (

@TOPDOGMAYOR: It breaks your heart when an athlete is injured like that.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Toronto salutes Boston, city of Bravery, Brawn, Brains and Beans and Lettuce.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: We are all Boston Beans today.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Fucking hate terrorists.

@TOPDOGMAOR: White or brown terrorists? Send in your votes!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Should decide this once and for all on the football grid, like men!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Who is your favourite football player? Free parking spot to person who submits best answer.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Authorities saying bomb was made from Crock Pot full of nails and BBs.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Like my Crock Pots to be full of chili. LOL.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Can’t believe they canceled Bruins-Pens game. Must be very serious situation.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Toronto, you are safe, I am at the helm.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Probably won’t go to Florida this week, but if I do, contact: councillor_dford@toronto.ca in case of emerg.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: So many heroes. Like that guy in the cowboy hat.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Free lifetime parking spot in Toronto for guy in cowboy hat!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: He is a cowboy, on a steel horse he rides! Guns N’ Roses, man, Guns N’ Roses.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Suspects in bombing ID’d!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Wouldn’t want to be wearing white ball cap in Beantown today!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Hope Ben Afflect makes movie about this. Argo ruled!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Now donning Red Sox baseball cap in honour of victims. Suggest you do the same.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Send poison in the mail to this Mayor, expect a world of trouble.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Elvis impersonator terrorists, I am watching you.

@TOPDODMAYOR: Some cop killed in wild shootout at Harvard!!!

@ TOPDOGMAYOR: Evil doers carjack classy Mercedes and knock-off 7-11!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: It’s like a Tarrantino flick. Completely fucking awesome.

@TOPDOFMAYOR: Heart goes out to family of fallen hero.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Hope guy with cowboy hat gets involved and kicks ass!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Really like to see Uma Thurman character involved, too.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Not a movie, but feels like movie.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: HUGE FUCKING SHOOT-OUT IN BEAN TOWN!!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: One Borat guy now dead, looking for other!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: All of Boston shut down! Fucking love Boston!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Love to be mayor of Boston. Got big, brass balls!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Dead guy was athlete. Shame when athlete dies young, even if terrorist athlete.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: @Dougford Can’t delete last Tweet. WTF???

@TOPDOGMAYOR: MAYOR FORD DOES NOT CONDONE TERRORISM IN ANY FORM, EVEN BY ATHLETES.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Other Borat now hiding in boat. On land. What a moron!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Interesting. Boston seems to be doing fine without mass transit. Must be saving a shitload.

@TOPDOGMAYOR: No vowels in the Borat names. Weird. How do you say them??

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Little Borat captured!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Great day for Boston, great day for freedom!!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: Bet they riot in streets in celebration! Love to be there!! Go Boston!!!

@TOPDOGMAYOR: USA!!USA!!!USA!!!