When I was initially diagnosed with Hodgkin’s Disease I characterized it as an act of terror. By doing that I abnegated any responsibility for my circumstance. I did nothing wrong—there was nothing I could do to have prevented the disease, it was like getting on a bus that just happened to have a bomb on it. I did not feel weak. I did not feel that I was to blame. It was a random, utterly arbitrary occurrence that just happened to have victimized me. It would not come back.
When it did come back, my sense of disease as terrorism intensified. It became a manifestation of fear. Cancer was the terrorist bomb that could explode within my body at any moment. I became jittery and tentative—vigilant to anything out of the ordinary. I lived in fear, and I lived quietly, unwilling to make commitments to people or things, I locked myself indoors for worry of the terrorist threat within my body.
I am trying to stop that.