Letters written by Toronto Mayor Rob Ford on my behalf

Rob Ford, Toronto’s bon vivant mayor, likes to help people. Recently, he’s been in the news for writing character references for Sandro Lisi and Douglas Sedgewick, a couple of dangerous and predictably violent criminals who happen to be pals of his. Life can be complicated and we all make mistakes. The mayor sees this, which is why he was happy to throw the weight of his office behind their ambitions.

As many of you know, Rob Ford and I were enrolled at Carleton University in Ottawa at the same time, and it was there where we became last call drinking buddies. Over the years we’ve stayed in contact– usually messaging one another late at night when partying alone–and I’ve been lucky enough to have Rob write some letters for my family and I.

On behalf of my uncle, who was frustrated by his golf club’s new policy that forbid members from feeding any wildlife (squirrels) on the course:

To Whom it May Concern:

Cripes! What’s the harm in tossing a squirrel a bit of your hot dog bun?! A squirrel’s weight is a squirrel’s own goddamn business (LOL!!). What are you, a Soviet golf club? Do you make everybody use the same clubs, too, just to even the playing field so that a man of ambition and means is crippled? I tell you, its a disgusting example of over-governance, is what it is, and if somebody, like Lester Murray, wants to buy a hot dog he should be able to do anything he wants with that damn hot dog, including feeding it to a squirrel!

If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call my AM radio show directly.

Yours Truly,

Rob Ford

On behalf of my wife, who was unable to get on the recreational league ice hockey team that she wanted:

To Whom It May Concern:

This is Toronto Mayor Rob Ford here.

If Rachelle Maynard is not a first-liner on the Annex Assassins for the winter league of 2014, I will shut down Bill Bolton arena and fire all the assholes that work there. Make no mistake, I will do it–closing stuff gives me a hard on.

If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call my AM radio show directly.

Yours Truly,

Rob Ford

On my behalf, as a reference for a job I was applying for at Riverdale Farms.

To Whom it May Concern:

I have known Michael Murray for nearly 25 years, and never in my life have I seen a man who is better with animals. Did you know that he once rescued a baby pigeon and then fed the thing frozen peas– one at a goddamn time– every four hours until it died of natural causes? He did. Jesus damn Christ, he did. I still get weepy just thinking about it.

If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call my AM radio show directly.

Yours Truly,

Rob Ford

PS: Just a reminder, municipal funding for Riverdale Farms is coming up for review next year.