Messaging Mayor Rob Ford About The Quebec Charter Of Values

Fiscally conservative Toronto mayor Rob Ford and I talk.

As many of you know, Rob and I were enrolled at Carleton University in Ottawa at the same time, and it was at a local pub—Tiddlers—where we became last call drinking acquaintances.  We’ve stayed in a weird contact over the years, frequently messaging one another when up late and partying alone. This is my most recent correspondence with the mayor, which took place sometime after two in the morning on Wednesday.

Rob: FORD NATION KNOCKING!!!

Me: Rob!!

Rob: BRAIN ON FIRE! All sorts of ideas!! Need quick feedback!!

Me:  You always make me feel like I’m on a game show, love it!

Rob: The Quebec charter of values thing, you know, where the French people say you’re not allowed to wear the jew hat and stuff? I like it.

Me: If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything!

Rob: Damn straight! I’m free market, not going to tell people what they can’t do, but if you live in Ford Nation, you’re going to have to walk the walk, get it? If you have to be a weirdo and ride a bicycle, then you have to wear an Argo’s jersey when you do it.

Me: It’s brilliant, Rob, it can’t miss! What happens if you’re culturally un-Ford Nation and exploit a public resource like a library?

Rob: You got to see Iron Man III and eat a Cronut burger.

Me: And then wear the t-shirt, “ I survived the Cronut Burger! Ford For Mayor 2014!”

Rob: Yeah!! Ford Nation: Not as diverse as you’d think.

Me: How about, Ford Nation: Strength in Unity?

Rob: Love it!!! Man, you really GET the heart of Ford Nation! I miss having these late night jam sessions in person!

Me: Me, too, big guy, me, too.

Rob: Know what else I miss?

Me: Tiddlers!

Rob: Tiddlers RULZ!!!!! But dude, I miss Frosh Week. I could fucken live in Frosh Week. I would take my vacations there if I could. Fuck Florida!!

Me: Frosh Week was awesome. But look, what happens to vegans? They’re not Ford Nation at all.

Rob: If you want to be vegan and live in Ford Nation, then you have to be a stripper once a week, too. Don’t care about their religion. Chicks only, tho.

Me: What if somebody isn’t a man of the people? You know, not the type to go to visit people in public housing and put campaign stickers on their door frames?

Rob: Oh! Just got another idea!

Me: Great!

Rob: My fantasy hockey team?

Me: Yeah?

Rob: Gonna call it, Everybody’s Twerking For The Weekend! After the Loverboy song!

Me: Genius.

Rob: Honest, I think it’s the best thing I ever thought of.

Me: Me, too.

Rob: Hey, you see those pictures of that bear chasing the bison down the highway?

Me: Yeah.

Rob: You the bear or the bison?

Me: Not sure. You?

Rob: Both, little buddy, both.