Motivating My Fantasy Hockey League Players
As almost all of you know, I am considered something of a genius when it comes to managing my Fantasy Sports League teams. This year the catastrophic happened and my fantasy hockey team, A Fury of Pigeons, fell to second place on the last day of the NHL season. As a born winner, I have naturally filed all the appropriate grievances and cast accusations of cheating throughout the league, but I have also sent motivational letters to a select group of players on my team, hoping to encourage better performances out of them next year. It’s why I am thought of as “The Premier Motivational Genius in all of the GTA.”© and Toronto Mayor Rob Ford often calls me in to speak with the high school football team he coaches.
Ondrej Pavlec
Goaltender, Winnipeg Jets
Ondrej:
Lay off the fucking booze and hookers!
Or at least wait until the off-season.
Christ, you couldn’t stop one of those giant Earth Ball things all year, and it was clear that you played every game over-sexed and hung-over. You might be able to get away with that sort of shit in Mother Russia, but not here. Got it, Ivan?
And stop hanging out with Mickey Rourke, he’s a bad influence.
Your owner,
Michael Murray
Adam Henrique
Center, New Jersey Devils
Adam:
It’s hard for me to imagine what a disappointment to your family you must be. You had 5 assists all season. I could get 5 assists in just one period, and I wear glasses. You’re a disgrace. You don’t belong on a Fantasy Team, you belong on a Nightmare Team.
Your owner,
Michael Murray
Zack Kassian
Right Wing, Vancouver Canucks
Zack:
You are such a douche.
You’ll probably whine, moaning that you’re still only 22, but your built like a fucking Bigfoot and if you don’t have the talent to play with real men, then you have to use your size and primitive, douche instincts to their greatest advantage! You have to intimidate and beat-up your opponents!! It’s called “making space” for your teammates. Stop being such a pussy. You don’t deserve the nickname “The Kassassian,” you deserve the nickname “The Kack Factor.”
Your owner,
Michael Murray
Ilya Kovalchuk
Left wing, New Jersey Devils
Ilya:
That was the worst season of your career.
Thanks a lot.
I hate you.
You are not welcome in the city of Toronto.
Your last name sounds like the noise I make while looking at your final numbers and throwing-up.
Your owner,
Michael Murray
Eric Cole
Left wing, Dallas Stars
Eric:
Why didn’t you retire?
Your performance was worse than useless all season long.
You’re ugly and I hope your post-career car dealership goes bankrupt.
Your owner,
Michael Murray
Pavlec isn’t Russian! That’s the only inaccuracy I could spy, so carry on… oh, and maybe I could inlist your help in motivating my fantasy team, the Armdale Executioners.
Russia, some other place that’s kind of like Russia, what’d the difference? Pavlec just better listen is all!
michael, please invite me to your next pool, as i would like to win one of those things, and judging by your picks, it will be fish and barrel time.
sincerely – js [a self-proclaimed hockey expert]
Hipcrank:
It’s a very, very deep pool!!
If just one of those punks was even half of what they should have been, I’d be drinking Jackson Triggs tonight! And of course I’ll invite you to the league next year, and I will dominate and humiliate you like a gym teacher!