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Welcome To The Magical Friendship Squad!
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Hulk Dreams

The Incredible Hulk Dreams of his Scary Feelings

1. In dream Hulk mad. Really mad. Hulk go to park to practice smashing and find it full of puny humans!! Hulk see no social distancing and only one, maybe two masks! Hulk so mad, Hulk no want to get Covid-19! Hulk can’t control himself! Hulk smash!! Kill them all!! Then Hulk wake up and feel funny. Ask himself, “Who really worse, Hulk or virus?” Hulk no know.

2. In dream Hulk need fresh tomatoes for spaghetti night. Hulk go to grocery store and keep proper social distance. Man with stupid tattoos and dumb beard brush Hulk. Hulk get so angry! Hulk smash! Blood and pulpy bits everywhere! Hulk realize no longer need tomatoes. Pulpy bits and blood will make great sauce. Hulk very creative. Hulk know all art is destruction.

3. In dream Hulk in lockdown. Hulk watch TV, surf the net. Feel lonely. Then Hulk realize not lockdown making Hulk lonely. Hulk always lonely, just blame lockdown. Hulk begin to cry. It all come out. Hulk can’t control it, just sobbing and sobbing. Hulk know he have more trauma than admit, Hulk know rage not just because of Gamma Ray. Hulk realize he ready to heal and begin soul journey. Then Hulk wake up angry and smash!!

Murder Wasp

A Murder Wasp Answers the Vanity Fair Proust Questionnaire:

**************************************************

1. What is your idea of perfect happiness?

“It might be a cliche, but it’s stinging, it really is. And murdering, of course. Stinging and murdering. But inside of that, there’s the feeling of my stinger easily penetrating the thick outer layer of a beekeeping suit and then sinking into the soft, vulnerable human flesh of some person and knowing that he has just been murdered. It just doesn’t get much better than that.”

2. What is your greatest fear?

“ I have no fear. I am a Murder Hornet.”

3. Which living person do you most respect?

“There’s no person, living or dead, that a Murder Hornet is going to respect. Not now, not ever. We don’t roll that way. That being said, I like Kanye. Think he’s okay.”

4. What is your favourite journey?

“For a Murder Wasp there is only one of two possible answers. Either your favourite journey is leaving the nest to assassinate a person, or there is the returning to the nest after successfully assassinating a person. Personally, I prefer the anticipation, the moments leading to the murder. That is the journey I always want to be on.” e

5. Which words or phrases do you most overuse?

“You ain’t shit to me.”

6. What do you most dislike about your appearance?

“Well, let me assure you that there is no problem in the stinger department. I got that very well covered. Otherwise, I would have to say my thorax and abdomen. I would like to be about 7 times larger than I am, maybe the size of an Eagle of very large bat. It’s not that I don’t love myself as I am, I just think I would be more effective at murdering and causing terror if I were larger.”

7. Which talent would you most like to have?

“You mean add to my arsenal? Okay. That would be swimming. I would love to be able to murder creatures of the water. To murder a shark? I would like to experience that.”

8. On what occasion do you lie?

“ I never lie. I am always present. Always ready to kill. It is what I am. There is no deception in my being.”

9. If you were to die and come back as a person or a thing, what would it be?

“ I would like to come back as a particularly deadly and contagious virus, becoming nearly infinite in my capacity to murder.”

10. What do you most value in your friends?

“Subordination and obedience.”

11. What are your favourite names?

“ I have always liked Madeline for a Queen, and Nathan for a drone.

12. What is your motto?

“Keep calm and murder on.”

Days that vanish as if through a trapdoor, nights that simply dissolve.

Rachelle and I, our daily responsibilities now behind us, are lying in bed drifting Netflix. All the shows are more or less the same, minor variations on a theme. The algorithmically engineered content, a bland, smothering limbo. I wonder if I have become unentertainable, if I have passed through some sort of threshold from which these simulations of life can no longer penetrate. And then sounds from outside. At first I think gunshots, but then I realize it’s the long weekend and somebody is setting off fireworks.

This defiance, somehow both lonely and life-affirming.

And last year there were fireworks, too, and Jones’ face was illuminated beneath them. A bright point in a life, that. I remember I could not believe my fortune. That I could have traveled all this distance, passed through such time and circumstance, to end up here, a part of such beauty.

But all is change. Each of us now in the midst of something too strange to understand, something that asks questions bigger than we are. But still, look at this day living around you. Everything is green and gold. New. Live in it as deeply as you can. And you are resilient beyond words. Be proud of that. Be proud of the fire in your bones. These dreams we’ve all been having, they’re not of sinking, they’re not of drowning. They float, these dreams, and then take flight.

The Pandemic Zodiac

The Pandemic Zodiac:

Sourdough (Formerly Aries)

Sourdoughs love to be number one, so it’s no surprise that these energetic go-getters are the first sign of the zodiac. Bold and ambitious, Sourdoughs dive headfirst into even the most challenging situations, like homeschooling a child, trying to manage a stoned spouse, or contemplating the bleak, ruined landscape that lies before all in the After Times.

Clorox Wipe (Formerly Taurus)

Have you ever been so busy that you wished you could clone yourself just to get everything done? That’s the Clorox Wipe experience. This contagion sign is so busy they don’t know if they’re compulsively washing their hands raw or binge watching Too Hot To Handle. Slow down, Clorox Wipe, enjoy the quarantine!


The Droplet (Formerly Gemini)

This airborne, often sneezed sign enjoys relaxing in serene, bucolic environments surrounded by soft sounds, soothing aromas, and succulent flavours. A dreamer and natural empath, many Droplets are unemployable and live off their parents money until they die.

Martial Law (Formerly Cancer)

Those born under the sign of Martial Law tend to have a dual nature. They can be either strict rule followers or unpredictable, angry anarchists. ML’ers are the most likely of your friends to try to burn down a 5G tower or report neighbours who are not engaging in proper social distancing. Most of them have brain disease of one form or another.


Isolation Psychosis (Formerly Leo)

This sign is represented by the symbol of a person who has clawed their eyes out of their face. Their intensity is admired and feared throughout zodiac. Vivacious, theatrical, and passionate, The Isolation Psychotic loves to bask in the spotlight and celebrate themselves. Until they don’t, at which point they will go on a murderous rampage.


The Dry Cough ( Formerly Virgo)

The Dry cough is logical, practical, and systematic in their approach to quarantine. They’re perfectionists at heart, always well-prepared and will always be the first of your friends to have a YouTube video at the ready to prove face masks are actually alien parasites here to feed off your head-energy.

The Zoom Meeting (Formerly Libra)

Zoomers are fixated on balance and harmony. They’re obsessed with symmetry and strive to create equilibrium in all areas of life. Inevitably, they’re irritating, almost entirely useless and very hard to be around.

Bill Gates ( Formerly Scorpio)

Bill Gates is one of the most misunderstood signs of the zodiac. Because of its incredible passion and power, people born under the sign of Bill Gates are often mistaken for psychotic pedophiles who want nothing more than to control the world and all the people in it, however the truth is that BG’s derive their strength from the psychic, emotional realm and are at their happiest colouring aquatic scenes.

The Allergy Terrors (Formerly Sagitarrian)

An allergy terror is on a quest for knowledge. The last airborne sign of the zodiac, The Allergy Terrors, launches its many pursuits like blazing arrows, chasing after geographical, intellectual, and spiritual adventures as if the lies of the media.

Vitamin D (Formerly Capricorn)

Those born under the sign of Vitamin D are reliable, warm-hearted and determined people, however, they can sometimes be inflexible, resentful and possessive. Out of vanity, many will dye their hair, and in spite of their robust immune system, Hydroxychloroquine will not work on them.

The Secret Drunk (Formerly Aquarius)

The Secret Drunk is an intelligent, versatile and lively person, but on the flip side, they can also be tense, cunning and inconsistent. They tend to be compulsive FaceBook posters, and will always be scared, confused and at odds with their peers. Lucky number 4.

Pornhub (Formerly Pisces)

Those born under the sign of Pornhub are courageous, creative and sensuous people, however, they also tend to struggle with being bossy, self-righteous, disloyal and totally, completely addicted to sex. Unable to abide the lockdown, many were lost during the first wave of the pandemic.

A blue forever sky this morning.

A man in his 60’s with a quarantine beard coasts down the street on his bike. His hands in the pockets of his green jacket, his posture relaxed, he is a boy once again. And then a masked woman, uncertain yet determined, rollerblades by. Behind her, a friend, cycling happily, her head tilted up to the boundless sky, a huge grin on her face as she drinks the sun.

Ask the Plague Doctor

ASK THE PLAGUE DOCTOR!

Q: What colours are the fucking sneaker?

A: Although I see a kind of shitty, aluminum pink and what looks like a knock-off version of white that might have been made in a stained bathtub, all is a fog of unknowing.

Who knows what is true?

Think of a tyrannical empire, something like the Soviet Union. All information was state controlled. The citizens lived in morbid prisons of their master’s construction. They had no idea what colours the sneaker was unless the state told them. Now think of yourself as living in a consumer analog to that. You are similarly contained. The corporations who enable your life know all, control all. They know your habits, in fact they often create them. You merely wrap yourself in the myth that best maintains your sense of identity and call it truth.

And so, we don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are. If you believe that in the midst of a massive, poorly understood pandemic, that the best thing to do is burn down 5G towers. If you are one of these people, somebody who sees Bill Gates and deep state manipulations when you look at the sneakers, instead of the global consensus, The Plague Doctor urges humility. You must accept that you do not possesses the truth. So take down all those stupid, fucking posts. They are a virus unto themselves, and their spread needs to be stopped.

The greatest sin in a society is to risk the lives of people other than yourself.

Love the herd, and learn to move with the herd in times of crisis.

Sunday was a beautiful, sunny day and Rachelle, Jones and I drove over to a friend’s home to pick up some masks she had sewn for us. It was the first time the three of us had been together in the car in a long time and it felt like an adventure. The windows down, music playing, we could be going anywhere! The Dairy Queen! A haunted house! A desert safari! Jones was practically glowing with excitement.

It seemed that most of Toronto was out that day. Some in masks, but most not, and Jones waved and shouted to absolutely everybody he saw. I SEE YOU, HELLO, HELLO!! All these people, everybody starved for sun and touch, trying to return to the world. Trying to be seen. Trying to be themselves again. And if any of them, startled, looked up as we passed by, they would have seen Jones, our little sun, beaming out the window at them, as if bearing news of glad tidings.


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A Map of Social Media’s Current Understanding of Covid-19:

The sun is warmer, more present this morning.

You don’t have to search for it. It lands upon you naturally, covering everything like a forgotten skin, like water.

Jones and I are playing Bad Boat Drivers in the backyard. The rules and characters keep shifting. Jones is hitting zombies with a bat, and I am scooping unfriendly sharks from the ocean with a net, and then flinging them at the attacking zombies. Frenzied, it goes like this until Jones notices a tiny flower in the nearby dirt, within which he then discovers an even tinier, even more perfect flower. He is wonderstruck. O brave new world that has such things in it! And is it a greater gift for him, to have such an intricate jewel revealed, or for his mother, to whom Jones is now running, this revelation held gently in his hands?

Birds start to congregate in this suddenly quiet yard– each calling to each. A neighbour waves down from his fire escape as he lights a smoke. Workers a few houses over are building something, the scent of cut wood floating in the air. Spirited, they speak in Italian, their words calling to both the past and future. Something shifts inside, and for the first time in awhile everything feels at ease. Normal. And then Jones returns from giving his mom the flower, looks at me and says, “I’m having a good day, let’s go on the boat.”

Frito Lay


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Frito-Lay responds to Trump:

Frito-Lay is delighted that our potato chips are bringing such comfort to people during these unprecedented and deeply confusing time. We’re proud of our chips, and proud of you, too! However, as we battle coronavirus together, it is important to remember that we must not mix fact with fantasy, or substitute our intuition for the hard-earned knowledge of science. With this in mind we would like to address the remarks President Trump made at his Daily Briefing yesterday: Although we are happy more people are buying our potato chips, we do not believe there is any evidence, as The President asserted, that crushing them up until they are a fine dust and snorting them, is a viable treatment for Covid-19. There is no proof, scientific or otherwise, to support this theory. In fact, it is dangerous to snort potato chips, even ones of the highest quality like Frito-Lay. So please, if you buy our potato chips do it to cure the hunger in your stomach and heart, not the coronavirus.