Phone Messages Left By George W. Bush

In 2010, US taxpayers covered $1.3 million in living expenses– including $80,000 in phone bills– for Ex-President George W. Bush. The same hacker (Guccifer) who infiltrated Bush’s email and discovered his self-portraits, has also released some of the phone messages that Bush left for people he had been trying to contact.

Uma Thurman

June 2, 2010

9:48 pm

Uma, it’s former president George W. Bush here. I hope you don’t mind, but I got your number from secret service. I’m very young for an ex-president and still very powerful, you know. I wanted to let you know that I’ve always been a big fan of your work, ever since that film with the French title. What was it called? It starred Michelle Pfeiffer and everybody was hoping she was going to take her clothes off, but instead, you peeled off your top, and Holy Smoke! I think you acted a boner out of an entire generation! But Hell, you’ve been great in every movie since, especially all those Kill Bill ones. I want you to know that even though Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour, I’ve become very interested in Buddhism and was wondering if you’d like to get together for a drink to discuss it sometime.

Laura Bush

June 7, 2010

10:48 am

Laura, it’s me and I’m at a stupid-ass meeting in Chicago. The guy doing all the talking has a head that reminds me of a potato. I had the dream again last night.

Owl Research Institute

June 12, 2010

2:46 pm

Yeah, it’s George W. Bush here and I had a few questions for you folks about owls. I thought I saw one in my backyard yesterday. Is it true that they can turn their heads around in a complete circle? Will they eat dogs? Is it bad luck to shoot one, and if so, what prayer works best to cast one off your property?

Harold Atkins

June 12, 2010

2:52 pm

Harry, yeah, it’s W. Look, I wanted to discuss the possibility of making a trade in our fantasy baseball league. My pitching is fucked and I could really use a starter. I could maybe give you Cruz for Grienke. Cruz is hitting a ton, a guy with hair on his ass. He’s gonna knock 50 out this year.

Dr. Jeffrey Kuhlman

June 18, 2010

9:17 am

It’s George here and I’m nearly out of my stress pills. Call me.

Laura Bush

June 21, 2010

3:48 pm

It’s me. Jesus, most boring meeting ever. All I could think about during the blabberfest was that guy who’s obsessed with becoming a mermaid. Saw him on a talk show the other day and sweet Jesus, he just gives me the creeps.

Uma Thurman

June 22, 2010

12:27 am

Uma, thanks for making time for me earlier to chat about Buddhism. I did not know that there were Four Noble Truths. Something to chew on, that. I figure I’ve been looking for The Dhamma my entire life, probably why I bombed Iraq. Would love to see you again soon. Your hair looked really pretty.