Ondrej Pavlec

Goaltender, Winnipeg Jets

Ondrej:

Lay off the fucking booze and hookers!

Or at least wait until the off-season.

Christ, you couldn’t stop one of those giant Earth Ball things all year, and it was clear that you played every game over-sexed and hung-over. You might be able to get away with that sort of shit in Mother Russia, but not here. Got it, Ivan?

And stop hanging out with Mickey Rourke, he’s a bad influence.

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Adam Henrique

Center, New Jersey Devils

Adam:

It’s hard for me to imagine what a disappointment to your family you must be. You had 5 assists all season. I could get 5 assists in just one period, and I wear glasses. You’re a disgrace. You don’t belong on a Fantasy Team, you belong on a Nightmare Team.

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Zack Kassian

Right Wing, Vancouver Canucks

Zack:

You are such a douche.

You’ll probably whine, moaning that you’re still only 22, but your built like a fucking Bigfoot and if you don’t have the talent to play with real men, then you have to use your size and primitive, douche instincts to their greatest advantage! You have to intimidate and beat-up your opponents!! It’s called “making space” for your teammates. Stop being such a pussy. You don’t deserve the nickname “The Kassassian,” you deserve the nickname “The Kack Factor.”

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Ilya Kovalchuk

Left wing, New Jersey Devils

Ilya:

That was the worst season of your career.

Thanks a lot.

I hate you.

You are not welcome in the city of Toronto.

Your last name sounds like the noise I make while looking at your final numbers and throwing-up.

Your owner,

Michael Murray

Eric Cole

Left wing, Dallas Stars

Eric:

Why didn’t you retire?

Your performance was worse than useless all season long.

You’re ugly and I hope your post-career car dealership goes bankrupt.

Your owner,

Michael Murray

There are probably a few things you should know about him.

He’s your garden variety Conservative, the kind of guy that gets all red in the face, pumping his meaty fist in the air shouting,” the gravy train must stop!” The other striking thing about him is his appearance, which is of a defeated salesman. A big, heaving white guy, Ford has tiny, receded eyes that makes him look like he’s spent most of his life underground. His hair, so absent of colour as to appear transparent, is thin, sparse and likely styled by a straight guy from Oshawa. And of course, his past is buckshot with the sort of Frat Boy controversy you’d expect from a guy that grew up idolizing Rush Limbaugh and the CFL.

As such, all the downtown types in the city hate him, a loathing that is only amplified by Ford having dropped out of Carleton University in Ottawa before he got his degree in Political Science.

Well, I was living in Ottawa at the same time as Ford, and as we both drank at The New Edinburgh Pub each night, we became drinking buddies, and I want all of you to know that real Rob Ford, and not just the caricature that’s been presented in the media.

“The Robber” as he liked to be called, was an ass man. He always over-tipped the pretty waitresses and usually ordered the Suicide Wings. He certainly considered himself the life of the party, and if there were any lampshades in the place, well, he would have been the first to wear one. He had a Fantasy Hockey Team called “Fords Friggin’ Freight Trains,” (FFFT for short) that he was very proud of. He could also drink like a champion, putting back about 6 pints of Canadian a night, and whenever he got drunk he would talk in an Australian accent and inevitably start singing the theme to Ghost Busters.

However, there is more, much more to the man, and I want to share a few of the things that he said to me over the course of our year of drinking together.

“Mike, I know that everybody just thinks I’m a big, jolly ball of light, but I have my pain. I think about things, like why are some babies sick and others cute? Why?”

Later, Rob told me that he had been taking a creative writing course at the University.

“You know what I like writing about, Murray? Trucks. Fucking love writing about trucks.”

“Bigfoot is real. No shit.”

“I’m like the Captain, and you’re like Gilligan! You ever think of that?”

“I don’t think we should have any Russians in the NHL. Their names are too hard to pronounce and they’re pussies. You with me, little buddy?”

“Let’s get a few beers to go, head back to my place and smoke a joint. I’ve been working on that Honeymoon Suite song on the keyboards and I want to know if you think I’m ready for the Open Mike night on Sunday.”

“Mur, I swear, if a flying saucer came down right now, I would look up at ‘em and just yell, “Calgon, take me away!”

“Which character from “Friends” are you most like? I’m like Joey. And which chick would you most want to do? For me it’s Rachel. Big time. You see the can on her?”

“I don’t know, Little Buddy, sometimes I just think municipal government is too big.”

* ( most of this is not true)