I recently started a business in which I provide sexual misconduct apology letters for a wide variety of clients. If you need a sexual misconduct apology letter, please consider my affordable and highly effective services. Here are some excerpts of work I have done for various clients:

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1. It is with great anguish that I heard of that lady’s recollection about our night together in 1991. While her memory of that evening is very different from mine, it is now clear to me that her feelings of fear and intimidation are real. After all, I am a powerful Alpha male with many yachts and yes-men. However, in spite of this I have never been unusually violent, although I have been thoughtless and insensitive in some of my relationships over my many decades of sexual activity, and I sincerely and humbly apologize for accepting any blowjobs that were given out of ambition rather than love.

I am an ally to women everywhere.

2. Recently, there has been a little bit of coverage about some of my past behaviour in the “news.” I have made many mistakes and I am so very sorry that I have disappointed my friends, family, fans and beautiful team. My behaviour was wrong and there are no excuses. Although it is very difficult at the top, I take full responsibility for whatever my actions were, because that’s what a leader and Master Chef does.

Sharing the joys of Italian food with all of you each week is an honour and privilege. Without the support of all of you—my fans—I would never have a forum in which to combat the scourge that is sexual misconduct, so I want to thank you for giving me an opportunity to advance the cause for women all over the world. And in case you’re searching for a holiday-inspired breakfast, especially the mother’s out there, this link to Pizza Dough Cinnamon Rolls are a fan favourite!

3. As a college student on staff at a church in Texas more than 20 years ago, I regretfully had a sexual incident with a female high school senior in the church. At the time I thought ******’s form fitting sweater was a sign that my sexual gratification was God’s will. I see now that this wasn’t true, and that her sweater and strawberry lip gloss were in fact the devil’s beguiling handiwork. I sinned, Holy Spirit, I sinned, and I humbly ask if you would take this prayer and touch ******’s heart in the way that only you can and heal her of the pain that was caused from this sin 20 years ago. #Metoo #Timesup #IBelieveEve

4. Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. Repairing the damage will take a lot of time and soul searching and I’m committed to beginning that effort. I have hired three lovely assistants to coach me in this endeavour, and have quit kite surfing in Barbados in order to better focus my energies on the important task at hand. The last two days have forced me to take a very hard look at all of my surviving sex tapes, and I see now that I was not acting the way a leading ally to women should have acted. I am very sorry, and ask all of those feeling pain to please apply this coupon code for a 15% discount on your next Cineplex experience!

“We are very much supportive of the family — the biblical definition of the family unit,” he told the Biblical Recorder. On the radio, he observed: “I think we are inviting God’s judgment on our nation when we shake our fist at him and say we know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage.”

Instantly, there were all sorts of calls for boycotts of the chain, just as there were public displays of support for the chicken shop, most notably by vigorous heterosexuals Sarah and Todd Palin, who posed for photographs holding up big bags from Chick-fil-A.

It’s America, you know.

In an attempt to quell the PR damage that had been done Dan Cathy took to social media, fielding live questions on Twitter.

This is what followed:

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Rank69: Dude, if you’re so straight why is your last name a girl’s name?

DanCathy: It was my father’s name and I inherited it, so I didn’t have a choice.

Rank69: Do gay people have a choice as to whether they’re gay or not?

DanCathy: Of course, just like you have a choice to eat at Chick-fil-A or McDonalds!

Rank69: If you could choose your last name what would it be?

DanCathy: The Man.

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HelenofTry: How do you know what God thinks?

DanCathy: I read the Bible.

HelenofTry: Did God write the Bible?

DanCathy: It was more like a joint effort between the mortal and the divine.

HelenofTry: So God had a ghostwriter?

DanCathy: A Holy Ghost writer!  : )

HelenofTry: But if you’re just accepting what the Holy Ghost writer says, you’re not thinking for yourself, right?

DanCathy: We make some tasty chicken!

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AAAXX3: Why is Snoop Dog changing his name to Snoop Lion?

DanCathy: I don’t know but he should change it to Snoop Chick-fil-A!

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CuriousChristain3: There are no girls in the Godverse, right?

DanCathy: I’m not sure I understand.

CuriousChristian3: Well, God didn’t have a wife or a mother, it was just him up there.

DanCathy: The Lord is our Heavenly Father.

CuriousChristian: That’s my point, there’s no Heavenly Mother. He must have been lonely.

DanCathy: I think God keeps very busy and probably doesn’t feel lonely.

CuriousChristian: Ok, but if God made Adam in his own image and he had no reference for what a woman looked like, where did he come up with the idea of Eve?

Why didn’t she look like another Adam, only with a hole instead of a rod?

DanCathy: Our mission is to create loyal fans; we plan to leave the policy debate over same-sex marriage to the political arena.

CuriousChristian: If Eve were more like Adam, by which I mean stronger, she could have helped fight off the dinosaurs.

DanCathy: The Lord knew what he was doing.

CuriousChristian: I guess so, he was probably a billionaire like you.

CuriousChristian: Still, you’d think God could have given women 6 arms or something so that they’d be better helpmates for their husbands.

DanCathy: 6 is the number of the beast.

CuriousChristian: Right! This brings me to chickens.

DanCathy: We’re proud to make the best chicken in the world!

CuriousChristian: Well, God made the chicken, you just cook it.

DanCathy: Yes, you’re right!

CuriousChristian: How did God come up with the idea for a chicken!? It looks demonic!

DanCathy: Well, our chicken at Chick-fil-A is divine!

CuriousChristian: Was the girl (eve) chicken made from the rib of the boy (Adam) chicken? How did that work?

CuriousChristian: And what was God thinking when he made a lobster?! Man alive, those things are crazy looking!

DanCathy: We want to thank you all for your loyal patronage of Chick-fil-A. God bless America!