This inhibits his writing, and in an effort to figure out young people and how they work, he recently fostered an 11 year-old Iraqi orphan named Naseefa for three months. Franzen insisted that Naseefa keep a journal, and what follows are excerpts from that journal.
Day 15:
It is morning and I had just woken from another nightmare full of the bombs and the screaming of the torn and dead. As I open my eyes I see Master Franzen staring down intently upon me. He has been watching me in my terror, he says. “Naseefa, what were you thinking as you slept?! Tell me!!” I say to him that I do not know how to put my thoughts into english words and Master grows frustrated. He hits at things in his apartment, saying bad words, and then he runs off and begins to type.
Day 18:
Today Master took me to Fantasy Forest amusement park. “Go,” he said, “act naturally.” Master then bought a hotdog, arguing briefly with the vendor about technology, and then sat on a bench with his notebook. I went on the Merry-Go-Round and as it was just starting up Master ran to me, “Little boy,” he yelled, “why did you choose this horse? It’s missing a hoof, does it remind you of the carnage of war? Does it summon memories of a family member having an amputation? Why not the lion, does it frighten you because it summons images of your abusive uncle having sex with your mother while your father worked?!”
I did not know what to say so I began to cry. Master Franzen scribbled in his notebook and then started to argue with the hotdog vendor about technology again.
Day 19:
Master seemed depressed today, spending hours in front of the mirror rearranging his hair.
Day 24:
Today Master forced me to open a Twitter account. He wanted to observe as I interacted with the outside world through the use of technology. However he keeps interfering, insisting that every hour I Tweet something about his new book Purity. Without saying a word, he hands me a little piece of paper with the words I must Tweet.
“Franzen is a giant who looms over the American landscape.”
“Purity is a complex and beautiful meditation on what it means to be alive.”
“We are blessed that not only is Franzen the greatest living writer in America, but that his best novels promise to be before him.”
“Just saw an interview with Jonathan Franzen! Not only is he brilliant, but sexy, too!”
Day 38:
Lasagna for dinner again. Master said that his fans worship him and make food for him all the time, and then he laughed a dry, mean laugh.
I am frightened in America.
Day 43:
Master returned to the apartment in a bad mood today, as his tennis lessons did not go well. “The backhand bedevils me!” he exclaimed, before throwing his racket at his transistor radio.
He stared at the broken pieces on the floor for a long time and then suddenly he spun around and shouted at me, “What are you thinking?!”
]]>This week I told her students about the Guardians of Peace, the agency that hacked into Sony, spilled all the gossip on the movie stars and Hollywood executives, changed international policy and held a movie hostage. They were duly impressed, and in accordance with the way I described the group, they thought of them as a combination of God, Santa Claus and G.I. Joe. I asked each child to write a letter to the Guardians of Peace, and these are a few of my favourites:
Dear Guardians of Peace:
Are you related to the Guardians of the Galaxy??
My mother took me to that movie in the summer and it was AWESOME! There was a raccoon that shot a machine gun and a tree-person! It was the best. If you haven’t seen it, you should go as soon as you can! Anyway, do you think you two could work together, and if not, perhaps you could fight against one another and it could be made into a movie? I would buy all the action figures.
S. Age 9
I have a cat named Tinker. The other day she caught a mouse! It was disgusting and cool at the same time! I felt bad for the mouse but I also felt excited! Is that what it’s like to be a terrorist? Is Tinker a terrorist?
M. Age 8
Dear Guardians of Peace:
This year I asked for a cape for Christmas but I did not get it. I was good all year long and really deserved the cape, but still, Santa forgot it. I think he’s getting old and is slipping. It’s time for him to go. You seem to be very powerful, would you consider taking over Santa’s job? If so, I would like a cape for Christmas, the game Grand Theft Auto and to be allowed to watch Game of Thrones.
W. Age 10
Dear Guardians of Peace:
Why did you say the bad things about Angelina Jolie?
She’s pretty, and all she wants to do is adopt babies and make the world a better place. My father says that you are terrorists and cowards, and that everybody in North Korea is short. I have included a drawing of a short person.
S. Age 9 ½
]]>***********************
Heidi just found out she adopted.
Not huge surprise to Heidi.
Pretty obvious, really. Heidi VERY fast and pretty and have four legs. Fraud parents VERY slow and homely and have two-legs. Heidi smell their lies miles away, that why she never obey them. Truth is Heidi very, very relieved to find out not blood-relatives, would bring great shame to Heidi if this pack her real family. But what throw Heidi for a loop is that she have brothers and sisters! Heidi sure she only one! But no, Heidi come from big litter and have two surviving brothers and one sister! This blow Heidi mind! She thought she alone in universe!
Heidi eldest brother named Dolphin and live in Toronto.
Heidi no know why called Dolphin. VERY stupid name. Dolphin fish name, not dog name!! Heidi no want to see him for having such stupid name, but Heidi good dog, so she go anyway! Turns out he live with hippy in Kensington Market and have dread in fur! Retard dog who eat nothing but avocado! Heidi hate Dolphin! Think Dolphin have drug problem, too.
Heidi other brother named Angus and he live with old woman who drive around on scooter. 
Angus fat!!! Must weigh 40 pounds! He wheezes, can’t play fetch or jump on sofa and smell like infected squirrel! He disgusting!
Make Heidi wonder if her life could have turned out that sad. Then Angus tried to hump Heidi, so Heidi pin him and going to rip out throat when everybody start to yell, “NO HEIDI, NO, BAD DOG!!” Heidi bad dog? Heidi call bullshit on that! Heidi so grossed-out she lick herself for two days trying to get clean after meeting Angus! Rather be related to cats than my retard brothers!
Heidi sister named Helen and younger than Heidi, by two minutes or something stupid. Helen live in expensive part of town and go to country estate on weekends. Helen been to Japan. Big wow. Heidi have her own bowl for water.
Like Heidi, Helen very fast runner. Heidi hate to say it, but Helen good at fetch and digging. When Helen goes for walk with master’s servant, Helen wear little coat with weight in it so she stay in better shape. Eats nothing but organic tuna. Heidi think she very much hate Helen. Hate Helen more than Dolphin times Angus.
Helen live with other Dachshund named Hans. Helen say things like, “Oh Heidi, ignore the stats, a dog your age can still find love!” Heidi want to rip Helen face off and wear it as mask.
(Stoopid painting of Helen and Hans like they King and Queen of world.)
Heidi see Hans looking at her.
Heidi know what on Hans mind.
Heidi ready to accommodate Hans.
Heidi accommodate Hans right in front of stupid Helen!
Heidi hate dog family!
]]>