This is an excerpt from our debut episode:
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Me: Hey! Welcome back to The Breakfast Club with Heidi and Mike!!
Heidi: We all bark and all bite!!
Me: We sure are, Heidi, we sure are, and I have to say, that was a fascinating interview we just did with Muffin the cat! I mean, WOW, what an interesting cat!
Heidi: Heidi want to barf.
Me: What do you mean?
Heidi: HORRIBLE interview. Heidi no care what Muffin think about immigration or Kim Kardashian getting mom-shamed for straightening daughter’s hair.
Me: Well, you have to admit, Muffin did have some pretty interesting and unique ideas about how to solve the global immigration crisis.
Heidi: You want crisis? Heidi give you crisis. Name Muffin is crisis. So stupid! Why moron cat named after food? Why after crappy food? Why not Steak?! Why not Cheeseburger! Why not Twizzler?
Me: Twizzler is a good name!
Heidi: Heidi like Twizzlers.
Me: Me, too.
Heidi: Twizzlers a uniter.
Stupid Muffin don’t deserve name Twizzler. Such a fat, lazy animal! Muffin never hunt, just lie there! Make society hunt for her! Heidi hate that!
Me: Well, Muffin is an indoor cat.
Heidi: Heidi have no time for Muffin excuses! Muffin staring at diabetes, Heidi tell you.
Me: And hey, for those of you who have to commute today, you should know that traffic along the DVP is slow, so you might want to explore some other routes…
Heidi: Look. Heidi know this controversial, but Heidi think it wrong to normalize cats. Cats evil.
Either you against evil cats or you for evil cats. Not complicated. Not nuanced. You have cat on show, you cat apologist. You part of problem.
Me: The Heidi Hot Take! I was wondering when that was going to happen, so tell us, how can you be certain that all cats are evil?
Heidi: You got to break some eggs to make omelette. Way of the world. Dog eat cat eat other dog eat it all.
Me: Okay, well, maybe now would be a good time to open up the show to callers! Anybody out there have an opinion on whether it’s wrong to normalize cats or not?
Heidi: Ha! Heidi laugh!
Me: Why?
Me: No way you have callers! Also, Muffin really stink. Heidi almost faint from stench. Heidi need danger pay! You think cats clean because always licking paw and brushing self, but just OCD. Cats mental in the head! Cat hygiene fake news!
Me: While we wait to get connected to our first caller, it’s time to provide you with a message from one of our sponsors. Support for The Breakfast Club with Heidi and Mike comes form MailChimp…
Heidi: More than 7 million businesses around the world uses MailChimp…
Me: To send newsletters, messages and deliver high fives…
Me: Heidi?
Me: Heidi, it’s your turn now.
Heidi: Oh! Heidi sorry. Licking herself. What words?
Me: You say, “MailChimp, sends better email!”
Heidi: MailChimp, sends better email!
Me: And now you bark, Heidi.
Heidi: Heidi no bark. No chance. Heidi have self-respect.
Me: Okay, still trying to connect with our caller, just be a sec.’
Heidi: Ha! Heidi marry Muffin if actual caller. No way caller. Heidi can smell your lie sweat. Heidi know.
]]>As it turns out, fortunes are being made reviewing consumer products on-line, and with that in mind I have launched a site ( The Sanitarium) which I hope will dominate the Hand Sanitizer Review landscape and make my family obscene amounts of money.
This is my first review:
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Welcome to The Sanitarium!
How do you think you’re going to die?
Terrorism?
Sex accident?
Wasting disease?
Climate catastrophe?
The truth is it’s possible you might die from any one, or any combination, of the threats listed above, but according to science we are most likely to perish from some super bacteria that will come like a thief in the night and kill all of us who had not been properly eliminating infectious agents from our hands.
It’s no stretch of the imagination to say that not only is choosing the right hand sanitizer a matter of national security, but it’s also a matter of life or death.
Choose carefully, my friends!
Sanzer Hand Gel
Wow!
The first thing I noticed about this hand sanitizer was just how amazing the ad is! It’s almost as if Sanzer isn’t promoting good hygiene at all, but is instead offering serial killers some great and fresh tips on how to dismember and store victim parts. It really makes you wonder what it would feel like to chop off somebody’s fingers and put them on display, you know? No matter, regardless of intent, Sanzer sure knows how to get your attention, but still, I had to find out, is the product as good as the ad?
Experiment:
Remove the raccoon that is trapped in the garbage bin in the alley with my bare hands, apply Sanzer hand gel, and then wait 48 hours to see if I get sick.
Notes: