This is his first press conference:

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3:24 P.M. EDT

Elmo: Hi everybody!

Guess what Elmo is thinking about today!!

Afghanistan!!!

Afghanistan starts with the letter A!!

Do you know what else starts with the letter A??

Attitude! Elmo hopes all of you people in the press have really good attitudes today!!

President Trump is ordering another 4,000 troops into Afghanistan. President Trump took over a mess, and now America, and her global allies and partners, are going to make things a lot messier! Elmo loves to make a mess! Do you like to make a mess? America will be making a mess of terrorists in order to clean up the mess the previous administration made of Afghanistan! So remember, America will not be nation building, America will be killing terrorists!

Terrorists are bad!

Yay, America!!

Can you guess what else Elmo is thinking about today?

Anybody??

No?

Ha, ha! Maybe you want to dance with Elmo? Elmo just loves to dance!

( Elmo dances)

Oh, Elmo so tired from dancing, Elmo almost forgot what Elmo was thinking about! Elmo remember! Elmo was thinking about Fake News!

Boo, Fake News, Boo!

Fake News is just about as bad as the terrorists!! Poor President Trump, he just wants to make America great again, and he has to fight terrorists AND fake news!! Such a hero!! Elmo loves heroes! Let’s all stand up and clap our hands for heroes!! Yay!!!

Elmo wants to say that although it is true President Trump briefly sized up the sun during yesterday’s eclipse, the President is not blind and is in perfect health!

That was fake news!! Elmo hates fake news! Elmo thinks that President Trump has such energy he might live forever! He is healthiest, most patriotic President of all time!! But even if the President had suffered significant blurring and fading of his vision during his encounter with the sun, which he hasn’t, there have been many great blind people in history! Do you like history?? Elmo loves history!

History says that America is great!

History also says that Daredevil was blind! And even blind Daredevil could still destroy all his enemies!!

Maybe Daredevil will visit Afghanistan?! Elmo thinks that would be so much fun! Wouldn’t that be fun?!

Remember to check Twitter to see when Daredevil might be appearing in Afghanistan!!

History also says that the great poet Milton was also blind, as well as musician Jose Feliciano!

And look, here’s Mister Jose Feliciano! Would you play a song for Elmo Mister Feliciano?!

Yay!! But first, Elmo thinks it is important to say that Mister Jose Feliciano is from Puerto Rico, not Mexico as many seem to think!

Elmo loves you Mister Jose Feliciano, thank you for the beautiful song!

Such a fun press conference!

Before Elmo leaves today Elmo wants to say just a few words about Jerry Lewis. That man kept us all laughing for over half a century, and his incredible charity work touched the lives of millions. Jerry lived the American Dream—he truly loved his country, and his country loved him back. Our thoughts are with his family today as we remember the extraordinary life of one of our greatest entertainers and humanitarians. Thank you, Jerry. You will be missed.

Elmo loves you all!!

Kiss, kiss!

(As of this writing there have been 1,901 gun deaths in the US since the Sandy Hook killings.)

Given the revolutionary context from which the United States was forged, the 2^nd Amendment makes some sense. As a hedge against despotic governance, the populace must be permitted the opportunity to defend itself, to be playing on a relatively even playing field so to speak.

Fair enough.

However, this right was enshrined nearly a quarter of a millennia ago, and the world, America in particular, has changed in unfathomable ways since then, whereas the 2nd Amendment has not. Then, a musket (firearm) was a realistic way in which to do battle with evil overlords, who were similarly bound by the technology of single loading weaponry.

Now, of course, the difference between the technology owned by the government and that of its citizens has widened to unimaginable proportions. The US military, widely recognized to be the most awesome martial presence in history, spends more than the next 13 nations behind it combined.

If the 2^nd Amendment were to have kept the people and the Government at commiserate technological levels, it would have had to be amended every generation so that the people had not just the right, but were enabled to have jet fighters hidden under tarps in their corn fields. As it is now, with the American government having a mighty arsenal of firepower that includes the media, lasers from space, drones and aircraft carriers, to name just a few, the 2^nd Amendment enthusiasts are little more than Stone Age tribesmen running out of the jungle and shooting arrows at the mysterious airplanes screaming above. Telling the people that they have the right to bear arms is like telling an impoverished and over-taxed populace that they have the right to buy lottery tickets.

It seems to me that the 2^nd Amendment exists as a symbol now, a vestigial relic of a political principle. It’s abstract, really, but it has concrete and ruinous effects on the society at large. (For instance, statistics suggest that a young, black man has a greater chance of being shot and killed in Philadelphia than if he were serving in the conflicts in Iraq or Afghanistan.) In a sense, the gun owner in the States is making a moral decision that his right to feel secure by owning a weapon is more important or valid than your right to feel secure in knowing that he doesn’t own a weapon.

It’s a fuck-you, kind of thing.

If the American people need some “hammer” with which to strike back at a tyrannical governing force, then they should be demanding that education is constitutionally enshrined. For surely, it will not be survivalists rising up from the misty hills of West Pennsylvania that saves America from herself, but an informed populace and people living in the 21^st century, people who can hack computers, shut-down operating systems and disseminate information.

These are a collection of Taliban Tweets:

The Taliban cannot tolerate biased media.

Too long have we been mocked and misunderstood.#Unclesamisunclean

8 puppets killed, 3 vehicles destroyed in Langham battle: bit.ly/XnJr2m

Victory! A Mujhadeed has seized a motorbike from the unholy invaders!

Invader General Petraeus should be shot by relatives from his mistress’s family or stoned to death.

Mondays always make me feel blue, and this cold is not helping. Sinuses clogged.

@Puppetobama what sort of man would kiss another?! It is unholy!

I do not like the rain. May it rain on America for an eternity!

An invading infidel walks into a market and asks for nuts and the patriot vendor says, “ We have no nuts, puppet!!”

The Taliban has enduring patience and long-term Jihadist strategies against the malicious plots of the enemy!

Mortars hit infidel invader camps. The Blood of our enemies flows: bit.lu?MoYr6h

I fear that one of my wives has fallen out of love with me. We used to laugh together so much, but now, never.

The Taliban will not abandon the struggle for freedom and will not pardon you until the withdrawal of your last soldier. #Unclesamisunclean

RT: America you are a Big Mac! Fat and greasy!

Taliban fun fact: The Pathans are notorious for family feuds, often the result of disputes over zar, zan or zamin – gold, women or land.

@anglinajolie You are a whore.

A woman is like having a flower. You water it and keep it at home for yourself to look at and smell. It is not supposed to be taken out of the house to be smelled. #truth

Landmines eliminate 2 US-nato tanks in Khan-e-Sheen district: bit.ly/SFi7oA

2 puppets of special-forces killed in bomb attack.

RT The Lakers have contacted Phil Jackson. He’s reportedly interested in the job. #WeWantPhil bit.ly/SWgLK8

@Amir Please feel free to DM me—bored at work.

Taliban shout-out to Aarif who proudly declared that he had killed seven male members of a Mahsud family for having insulted his wife, and so far only his brother had been killed in the revenge!

I wish Taylor Swift were one of my wives. I would cover her in the finest raiments and play for her the rubab.