Well, the time has come!
Having experienced many medical crises in my lifetime, I know a thing or two about the chattering beast that is anxiety. However, my story is one of hope, as I was able to conquer my anxiety using a variety of techniques that I hope to share with the public.
This is a partial transcript of Anxiety Nation, my first podcast:
(Introductory music of Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie plays)
“Hi, I’m Michael Murray, host of Anxiety Nation!
It’s on this podcast where I hope to create a safe space for you, a place where we can openly share our experiences with anxiety and strategies to overcome it. Although I’ll be our guide on this journey, I want you to know that we’re all equal partners in this voyage, and that it will be always be a collaborative, team effort.
I just want to take a moment to identify our introductory music, the classic Under Pressure by Queen and David Bowie. It’s just an amazing piece of music. Although its true the artists who brought us this great song both died before their time, and that we’ll all die much sooner than we expect, you shouldn’t let that cold, barren fact alter your mood! No, that would be NEGATIVE thinking, and we’re about positivity here!
“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see a shadow.”
Helen Keller said that.
She was deafblind.
Imagine that.
She couldn’t see or hear her enemies approaching.
Anyway, if Helen Keller could manage her anxiety, then so can we!
Okay, how’s everybody feeling? Good, I hope! Before we proceed with today’s lesson, I just want to remind you that you shouldn’t still be thinking or obsessing about how Freddie Mercury and David Bowie died.
It was from AIDS and cancer for those of you who might have forgotten, and it’s true, these diseases kill without prejudice– they just take you. Anyway, that should be out of your heads! DON’T FOCUS ON THE NEGATIVE, because by doing that you can start a cycle that’s nearly impossible to break.
Okay, let’s clear our heads of death and disease.
Let’s all close our eyes, take a deep breath and think about all the beauty that Freddie Mercury and David Bowie brought into our lives. Breathe in the good, exhale the bad, breathe in the good, exhale the bad.
Good. Feel better?
Yes, yes.
Okay, I’ve created a 21 day program that I’d like to share with you that should help alleviate any anxiety you might be suffering and put a little spring in your step.
Day 1
Drink eight glasses of FILTERED water each day. It’s very important to stay hydrated. Your mental health is directly tied to your physical health. They say Freddie Mercury weighed less than 100 pounds at his death. David Bowie probably did, too. People associate weight loss with health, but really, when most people die they’re at their thinnest. Just something to think about.
No tap water, by the way. Chemicals in there. Heavy metals and God knows what else. Tap water is VERY dangerous. Just look at Flint, Michigan.
You must drink FILTERED water. Eight glasses. Nine is too many, something could happen. Just drink eight.
(Beeping sound from a phone goes off)
Jesus! What the hell is that??!!
Does anyone else hear it?
(Something falls and a dog begins to bark hysterically, podcast ends.)
]]>Q: Obviously commoners are not allowed to touch Royalty on account of our divine lineage. Sadly, many of the “people” are now ignorant of this and the protocol is often broken, but only at behest of the Royal, who may deem to shake a hand or pose with a commoner’s pet. However, recently, a nouveau riche commoner completely shattered protocol by putting his big, powerful, black arm around me. He was a large commoner, good stock, and covered in the intoxicating musk of the peasant, I felt so small and vulnerable yet protected within his embrace! I have to say, it stirred certain feelings and they’re scary! What should I do?
Confused Kate
Dear Confused:
Many Royals harbour secret desires to go “slumming,” and you shouldn’t be alarmed that this commoner has stirred such feelings in you. However, you must remember that serving your country is of cardinal importance, and that nothing, not even a new and thrilling lust, should get in the way of this holy duty! You must not let the public face of the Royal Family slip!!!
However, you should keep in mind that for millennia Royals have been fulfilling this need for “slumming” by indulging their fetishes in private, behind castle walls, using slaves, concubines and prostitutes. You have a vast and excellent staff working beneath you, utilize them! They will be only too happy to earn a shadow of your gratitude by corralling the vulnerable and desperate to serve as playthings for you! Don’t get hung-up on this one peasant, remember, they’re in limitless supply and completely disposable!
Q: Imagine that a great King was put in a situation where he had to impose a law on his people to prohibit sex for all between the ages of 9 and 18 in an attempt to quell the AIDS pandemic. It would be a wise and just law, no? The King loves his children and wishes to protect them! Imagine then, that this great King, much loved by his people, had 25 wives, and legions of “liphovela,” all trying to become pregnant by the great King in order to prove their fertility and become one of his official brides. If one of them was selected, as is the custom, during the topless virgin reed dance, and she was between the ages of 9 and 18, would the great King then be in conflict of interest?
Great King
Dear Great King:
You are not only above the law, you are the law, so the short answer to your question is a resounding NO! However, it is important for a great ruler to keep harmony amongst his people, lest they rebel, and so I would respectfully suggest that you compensate the family of this particular liphovela with a token bought from your great wealth, which must certainly be in excess of 200 million, such as a cow, cell phone or Nutribullet. Easy-Peasy!
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Donald J Trump 39 m
Our nation is a once great nation divided.
Donald J Trump 43 m
Our country is now in serious and unprecedented trouble…like never before.
Donald J Trump 49m
Our country is a total sham and travesty. We are not a democracy!
Donald J Trump 51m
More votes equals a loss…revolution!
Donald J Trump 51m
Let’s fight like hell and stop this great and disgusting injustice! The world is laughing at us.
Donald J Trump 53m
We can’t let this happen. We should march on Washington and stop this travesty. Our nation is totally divided
Donald J Trump 54 m
The phony electoral college made a laughing stock out of our nation. The loser one!
Donald J Trump 1 hr
He lost the popular vote by a lot and won the election. We should have a revolution in this country!
Donald J Trump 1hr 2 m
I can’t stop crying. America died.
Donald J Trump 1 hr 9m
I make the best luxury golf resorts in the world. Quality. 10% off for Revolutionaries.
Donald J Trump 1 hr 21m
Don’t miss the Trump Universe Pageant in Atlantic City 2013. We will rebuild with sexy ladies!
Donald J Trump 1 hr 23m
I offer 5 million dollars to the first patriot that maims our imposter president or lures him into sex tape situation.
Donald J Trump 1 hr 23 m
Patriot also gets a Lexus, quality vehicle with power windows. Gold.
Donald J Trump 1 hr 37m
Hate his imposter president’s monkey ears! Streets must flow with blood!
Donald J Trump 1 hr 39m
It will be AIDs blood, so wear rain boots!
Donald J Trump 1 hr 41m
Out of vodka and bored of my hookers.
Donald J Trump 1 hr 42m
Burning cigarette into woman’s flesh less energizing than would have thought.
Donald J Trump 1 hr 48m
She a good screamer, though, I’ll give her that.
Donald J Trump 1 hr 51m
Takes a lot of moxie to get on the Apprentice.
Donald J Trump 1 hr 52m
Moving to Dubai. Fuck America in the face. America, you’re fucking fired!
Donald J Trump 2hr 2m
Condos starting from just $1,699,000. Be amongst the first to live in most prestigious location in all of NYC!
Donald J Trump 2 hr 7 m
Thanks a lot Christians for not showing up to vote. You disgust me.
Donald J Trump 2 hr 18m
Can’t believe we have a Korean President! They eat dogs!!
Donald J Trump 2 hr 24m
Building a quality bomb. Trump quality. Will get the job done.
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