Back in January he launched a public campaign called The Cut The Waist Challenge, where he pledged to lose 50 of his 330 pounds in five months. It was a campy circus, this, with the mayor having public weigh-ins (sometimes with girls in lettuce bikinis!) each week and TV stations reporting on it as if it was a sports event. However, after a period of time the mayor stopped showing up for the weigh-ins, and then gave up on the entire project about month before it was to end.
You should know that I used to drink with Rob Ford back when he was a student at Carleton University in Ottawa. We were both last call regulars at a local bar and we became friendly in the way that only barflies bound by drinking can. The truth is that I don’t think we ever had a sober conversation, but we bonded through this somehow, and even though we haven’t seen one another in over 15 years, we still text one another when drinking alone. A kind of nostalgia, I guess.
I hadn’t heard from Rob in quite a long time, but on Friday, at 1:45 in the morning, he sent me a text.
Mayor Ford: Mur? You thare?
Me: SLOBBER!!!
Mayor Ford: Cowabangle, dude!
Me: How’s it hanging, captain?
Mayor Ford: Straight and strong, straight and srtong!
Me: What up, big dog?
Mayor Ford: Just watched Along Came Polly. Would totally do Jennifer Aniston!!!
Me: She’d be a lucky woman.
Mayor Ford: I’d be her fucking friend, if you know what I mean.
Me: You’d be a glamour couple, like the goddamn Kennedy’s!
Mayor Ford: I wonder what she smells like????
Me: Suntan lotion and misspent money?
Mayor Ford: Ha! She smells like big government! Let me tel u, I would cut the hell out of her deficit!
Me: Wacha drinking?
Mayor Ford: Gin, lotto gin tonight. On the patio throwing ashtrays at squirrels. You?
Me: Playing Angry Birds and drinking rum. I miss the old days, Slobber!
Mayor Ford: Me2, little buddy, me2.
Me: ME2 sounds like a robot in a movie! Saw the Avengers the other day. Awesome!
Mayor Ford: 3-D rules. I completely fucking relate to the Hulk! He my man!!
Me: Puny humans bother Hulk! Hulk smash!
Mayor Ford: SMASH!!SMASH!!SMASH!!
Me: Hey, how’s the weight-loss thing going?
Mayor Ford: SMASH!!SMASH!!SMASH!!
Me: Not so well?
Mayor Ford: SMASH!!SMASH!!SMASH!!
Mayor Ford: You know what my favourite part of the Avengers was?
Me: The smashing?
Mayor Ford: Yeah and Scarlett Johansson’s ass. Love the 3ddee.
Me: Aniston or Johansson?
Mayor Ford: BOTH!!! HAHAAHAHAHA!
Mayor Ford: Fuck, I love gin.
Me: Still get high?
Mayor Ford: Does a bull shit in a chinashop?
Me: Why’d you quit the weight-loss challenge?
Mayor Ford: Barbeque Season. Pulled fucking Pork.
Me: What about austerity measures?
Mayor Ford: Barbeque season ain’t no time for austerity measures!
Mayor Ford: Go Argos!!
Me: YOU THE MAN!
Mayor Ford: Lead, follow or get under the doggamn bus!
Mayor Ford: HULK SMASH BUS!!
Me: Testify!
Mayor Ford: I think globarl warming is real. GEts hotter all thetime. Love ya little buddy! Dizzy bedtime.
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