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Angry Birds – Welcome To The Magical Friendship Squad! http://michaelmurray.ca Michael Murray Writes Things Sun, 24 Jun 2012 23:05:25 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=6.5.3 My conversation with Rob Ford about the Cut The Waist Challenge http://michaelmurray.ca/my-conversation-with-rob-ford-about-the-cut-the-waist-challenge http://michaelmurray.ca/my-conversation-with-rob-ford-about-the-cut-the-waist-challenge#comments Mon, 28 May 2012 16:48:07 +0000 http://michaelmurray.ca/?p=2200 As many of you know, Toronto’s fiscally conservative mayor Rob Ford struggles with his weight

Back in January he launched a public campaign called The Cut The Waist Challenge, where he pledged to lose 50 of his 330 pounds in five months. It was a campy circus, this, with the mayor having public weigh-ins (sometimes with girls in lettuce bikinis!) each week and TV stations reporting on it as if it was a sports event. However, after a period of time the mayor stopped showing up for the weigh-ins, and then gave up on the entire project about month before it was to end.

You should know that I used to drink with Rob Ford back when he was a student at Carleton University in Ottawa. We were both last call regulars at a local bar and we became friendly in the way that only barflies bound by drinking can. The truth is that I don’t think we ever had a sober conversation, but we bonded through this somehow, and even though we haven’t seen one another in over 15 years, we still text one another when drinking alone. A kind of nostalgia, I guess.

I hadn’t heard from Rob in quite a long time, but on Friday, at 1:45 in the morning, he sent me a text.

 

Mayor Ford: Mur? You thare?

Me: SLOBBER!!!

Mayor Ford: Cowabangle, dude!

Me: How’s it hanging, captain?

Mayor Ford: Straight and strong, straight and srtong!

Me: What up, big dog?

Mayor Ford: Just watched Along Came Polly. Would totally do Jennifer Aniston!!!

Me: She’d be a lucky woman.

Mayor Ford: I’d be her fucking friend, if you know what I mean.

Me: You’d be a glamour couple, like the goddamn Kennedy’s!

Mayor Ford: I wonder what she smells like????

Me: Suntan lotion and misspent money?

Mayor Ford: Ha! She smells like big government! Let me tel u, I would cut the hell out of her deficit!

Me: Wacha drinking?

Mayor Ford: Gin, lotto gin tonight. On the patio throwing ashtrays at squirrels. You?

Me: Playing Angry Birds and drinking rum.  I miss the old days, Slobber!

Mayor Ford: Me2, little buddy, me2.

Me: ME2 sounds like a robot in a movie! Saw the Avengers the other day. Awesome!

Mayor Ford: 3-D rules. I completely fucking relate to the Hulk!  He my man!!

Me: Puny humans bother Hulk! Hulk smash!

Mayor Ford: SMASH!!SMASH!!SMASH!!

Me: Hey, how’s the weight-loss thing going?

Mayor Ford: SMASH!!SMASH!!SMASH!!

Me: Not so well?

Mayor Ford: SMASH!!SMASH!!SMASH!!

Mayor Ford: You know what my favourite part of the Avengers was?

Me: The smashing?

Mayor Ford: Yeah and Scarlett Johansson’s ass. Love the 3ddee.

Me: Aniston or Johansson?

Mayor Ford: BOTH!!! HAHAAHAHAHA!

Mayor Ford: Fuck, I love gin.

Me: Still get high?

Mayor Ford: Does a bull shit in a chinashop?

Me: Why’d you quit the weight-loss challenge?

Mayor Ford: Barbeque Season. Pulled fucking Pork.

Me: What about austerity measures?

Mayor Ford: Barbeque season ain’t no time for austerity measures!

Mayor Ford: Go Argos!!

Me: YOU THE MAN!

Mayor Ford: Lead, follow or get under the doggamn bus!

Mayor Ford: HULK SMASH BUS!!

Me: Testify!

Mayor Ford: I think globarl warming is real. GEts hotter all thetime. Love ya little buddy! Dizzy bedtime.

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I present to you my work-in-progress, and would be interested in all constructive feedback.

Seattle Mist:

This beguiling scent suggests a woman who is as mysterious and beautiful as the Pacific Northwest itself, and who has reported multiple Bigfoot sightings.

San Diego Seduction:

The woman who wears San Diego Seduction is confident and not afraid to go out and get what she wants, even if it involves a car chase!

Tampa Breeze:

A fine blend of coconut oil and fish, this bewitching fragrance marries the immediacy of the trailer park with the elegance of a Jet Ski.

Philadelphia Passion:

Imagine the energy and street edge of 1970-era Blaxploitation films transformed into a bewitching scent! It should be on the list of every lady on your Christmas list!

 

Toronto Triumph:

This redolence suggests “curvy, not heavy,” and has delicate traces of barn owl and cinnamon.

Chicago Bliss:

This sassy aroma makes it clear to everybody around that the rips in your jeans are intentional!

Green Bay Chill:

With just a tinge of freezer to serve as an accent, this classic scents asks, “Who wants to eat some cheese?”

Orlando Fantasy:

Like a scene airbrushed onto a van, this scent is unmistakable and vivid, a steady and powerful reminder that fortune favours the bold!

Los Angeles Temptation:

This complex blend is best suited to the sophisticated tastes of a woman who can confidently navigate her way through a world of back tattoos and spray-on tans. It’s a scent that says, “I’m here, look at me!”

Vegas Sin:

All the romance of Bloody Caesars, navel piercings and curry by the pool are distilled into this one intoxicating fragrance. Leave your man begging for more, wear Vegas Sin!

Minnesota Valkyrie:

The Valkyrie woman is playful by nature, enjoying a child-like snowball fight with her man, but make no mistake, she knows how to use a crossbow if her nation calls for it!

Baltimore Charm:

A statement fragrance, the wearer of Baltimore Charm is letting the world know that she is a Twilight fan and that she prefers Edward over Jacob.

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