This is the battle that ensued:
Greasy, loner neighbour: U DON’T KNOW HOW TO LOOK AFTER A DOG
Me: YOUR MAN BUN IS VERY BRAVE.
Greasy, loner neighbour: AT LEAST I HAVE HAIR
Me: YOU’RE SHAPED LIKE A PEAR & WE CALL YOU CINNABON
Greasy, loner neighbour: YOU LOOK LIKE MR. BURNS
Me: HAVE GONE OFF MY MEDS. FEEL UNPREDICTABLE
Greasy, loner neighbour: ADVANCED TRAINING IN NGUNI STICK FIGHTING. NOT SCARED
Me: VIDEO GAMES DON’T COUNT
Greasy, loner neighbour: YOU’RE ON DISABILITY, RIGHT?
Me: YOU LOOK SHARP IN YOUR BEST BUY T-SHIRT, CINNABON.
Greasy, loner neighbour: U LOOK WEAK & ALWAYS SEE YOU IN HOUSECOAT. CREEPY
Me: ALLERGIC TO GRAINS AND HAVE ASTHMA. WHY I KEEP GUNS
Greasy, loner neighbour: JUST KEEP YOUR DOG QUIET, OK?
Me: NO
Greasy, loner neighbour: WILL CALL ANIMAL SERVICES
Me: THEN WE WILL STICK FIGHT, BUT I WILL HAVE GUNS
]]>
At the core of the velocity and visual charisma that characterizes his films there’s always a sense of sadness, of a longing that can never quite be realized. However, that sorrow, which is always gently romanticized, never comes to the painful fore but is used more as a prop, with the characters ultimately marching eccentrically past their emotional baggage to their self-determined destinies.
Some people see this as a failure on Anderson’s part, proof that he will never become an adult director but will always fuss about in a kind of Never-Never Land where nostalgia, loyalty, ardor and boyish courage take the day. For me, that’s enough, and I’m content in middle age to settle into the soft spot of these modern fairy tales for boys.
However, I’d heard great, almost hysterical things about The Grand Budapest Hotel, with critics and friends hailing it as a masterpiece and Anderson’s best, most accomplished work yet.
For me, coming in with higher expectations than I would typically have, the movie was a mild disappointment. It was so precious and stylized that it may as well have been animated, with the familiar cast of actors playing little more than cardboard cutouts that Anderson had dressed up in costume and quirks.
His tyrannical directorial hold made it a somewhat airless affair, and the movie, which rolled like clockwork, ended up being a parade of constituent elements without ever actually evolving into a movie. The technical virtuosity that governed it rendered the experience like watching a miniature play through a keyhole, and the typical emotional, nostalgic and romantic resonances that Anderson usually creates in me were absent.
No matter, I liked the movie, but it could have been bigger and braver, more about people and less about the gorgeous and strange myths they lived.
]]>*******************************************
R: My Wellness Coach is named Jamie and I think she’s still in high school.
R: It feels like I have to meet her for my session during her spare.
R: Hot?
R: Really? Did you really just ask me that?
R: Oh, it was autocorrect. I see.
R: You wanted to know if she was wearing a hat?
R: If what you say is true, then what you meant to write was, “Is she hat?”
R: It doesn’t make any sense.
R: It just doesn’t seem a likely thing for you to have written.
R: Of course, of course, I’m over-sensitive and always misunderstanding you.
R: Look, you can’t bring Fassbender into this, that’s not fair.
R: Whatever.
R: Look, let’s just get past this, okay?
R: Yes, I love you, too.
R: It’s hard to believe, but I swear this girl weighs about 80 pounds.
R: She practically qualifies as carry-on luggage.
R: She reminds me of Marcel the Shell.
R: I wonder if her parent’s know she’s doing this?
R: She’d make a lot more money than baby-sitting, that’s for sure.
R: Well, I’m on a Paleo diet now.
R: And I have a workout schedule.
R: I know.
R: You were a natural athlete with a very fast metabolism.
R: Not so much anymore.
R: It’s true, my love.
R: You have these, I don’t know, kind of lump handles around your waist now.
R: Mostly on the left side, which is weird.
R: Yeah, maybe you should mention it to the doctor.
R: I don’t think so, dear.
R: I just don’t think you have what it takes to be a doctor.
R: Well, for one thing you could never keep your coat white.
R: It would be covered in stains, like a tornado hit your lunch and sprayed it all over you.
R: It is true.
R: And then there’s the academics.
R: You’re good at other things, yes.
R: I don’t know how much Jesus weighed.
R: My guess would be 185, that sounds like a godly weight to me.
R: I bet Jesus would make for an fantastic Wellness Coach.
R: He’d be an awesome motivator.
R: You’ve always wanted to be on Survivor Island with Jesus, you say?
R: Just you and him in the final.
R: And then you would demand he sacrifice himself for the good of the island?
R: I’m not sure I understand your strategy.
R: All right then, it is the will of the Lord. Fine.
R: You’re right, that is a good argument ender.
R: Remember to take the dog out and get something for dinner, okay?
R: Right, I mean hunt. You and the hound go out and hunt for dinner, please.
R: Like Paleoiths.
R: I’ll be home around 7:00.
R: xoxo
]]>
Game of Thrones
Littlefinger never trusted Rob Ford, but then again, he never trusted anybody.
“Tell me, where have you hidden it?” He hissed at the stout, bastard Stark warrior.
“I’m not answering your dumb face questions.”
“Always the wily fellow, you are quite the adversary, Mister Ford, quite the adversary.”
Littlefinger, his hands pressed together in contemplation turned his back to the great man. “Perhaps these ladies will help to stir your memory?” He clapped his hands together and two of the most stunning women Rob Ford had even seen in his life walked so softly, so beautifully into the room as to be practically levitating. “Jesus,” Ford stammered, “are they models or cheerleaders or something?” Littlefinger snorted, “They are from the land of Seks Guzellik, home to the most breath-taking women the world has ever seen, trained in the arts of love from, oh, a very tender age. They are yours, Rob Ford, yours, all you have to do is tell me where it’s hidden.”
A look of uncertainty came across Ford’s porcine features, “Frig,” he said, “frig.”
Homeland
It was completely quiet. That was the first thing Carrie noticed, the complete noiselessness that enveloped her, enveloped them. It was awkward. She felt that he was maybe giving her the silent treatment, which was odd, because Rob Ford had invited her into his Escalade. It was also eerie—a sense of foreboding seemed to loom.
She was always thinking of him. She thought of him when she woke in the morning, when she took her pills after she showered, as she picked out her clothes, as she passed through the security gates at Langley, as she came home in the evening, as she lay in bed trying to sleep. RobRobRob. She could not remember the last time she wasn’t thinking about him, and in that way she believed that she knew him intimately. They had been driving for ten minutes—although it seemed more to Carrie—before he said something, “You need to meet my brother, Doug.”
Crepúsculo (Twilight)
Etobicoke es un lugar hermoso, aunque algunos lo ven como una ciudad sangrienta. Soy Rob Ford y yo 26 y tener un corazón del tamaño de una pelota de fútbol. Tengo ojos rojos y mi sed no es agua en absoluto, sino más bien precisa sangre. Yo soy un vampiro, una manera diferente, alrededor de uno. Tengo una dieta muy baja en la sangre comparada con otros vampiros, mientras que matan cinco humanos para satisfacer su sed diaria, estoy satisfecho con la sangre de un humano y puedo vivir con eso durante dos días. Vampiro Rob Ford, tengo un montón de autocontrol y soy muy selectiva con mi presa. Yo puedo ser un vampiro, pero tengo sentimientos.
The Flintstones
Roughly, Rob Ford took Wilma by her red bun. Wilma shrieked, but nobody came to her aid. Fred and Barney were bowling. Rob Ford laughed, high-pitched and nasally, and put his hand on her breast, palming it like a football. He thrust his tongue, that golden tongue that through great oratory had so often dazzled Bedrock, into her ear. “No, Rob Ford,” Wilma whispered, and then even quieter, “no.”
*************************************
1. Furmer sur le banc (1984)
This brilliant French film follows the life of cab driver Henri Beaumont as he ferries customers through the streets of Montreal during Guy Lafleur’s astonishing 60goal season as a star winger on the Canadiens. Divided into sixty, two-minutes segments, the hockey game on the cab radio (Lafleur scores in each one) serves as the connective tissue between Henri and his passengers as they talk about life. Stylistically innovative, the movie is by turns funny, intimate and revealing, a precursor to the popular show Taxi Cab Confessions. (Cameo by Guy Lafleur at the end.)
2. Chinese People (1949)
Directed by Alfred Hitchcock, this little known film blurs the line between racist satire and disorienting sexual fetish. Hitchcock has never been more exposed or vulnerable in his craft. Starring Jerry Lewis.
3. Amish Furniture (1969)
This Swedish drama takes an unflinching look at suicide and the aftermath as it settles on an unsuspecting Amish community. Soundtrack by Jimmi Hendrix.
4. Incident at the White Tower Motel (1972)
Directed by Japanese master Kurosawa, this stands as the greatest horror film ever made. Watch for a young Jamie Lee Curtis in the bear pepper spray scene.
5. Star Wars (1977)
Directed by George Lucas, this science fiction masterwork reinterprets the bible and features a gay robot dressed in gold lame. It changed movie making forever.
6. La Sangre de la caza de la polla (1958)
Director Octavio Getino explores the often-dark relationship between man and chicken in this classic example of Spanish neo-realism. He paints a brutal, even savage portrait of cockfighting, but still, we empathize with the cock wranglers and marvel at the nobility of the cocks themselves– a troubling film that will stay with you long after your viewing.
7. Dingleberry (1934)
This silent film follows “Dingleberry,” an optimistic and naïve dog, as he travels through America during the Great Depression. One of the most remarkable social documents of the country ever made.
8. The Underground Railroad Disco Party (1977)
This film, a dazzling mix of Blaxploitation and Documentary, mines the history of the disco movement, showing us the political background that informed the music that is all too often thought of as little more than a hedonistic spasm. Explicit nudity throughout, it’s a movie that film critic Pauline Kael famously described as “boner-inducing.”
9. Chico y el frijol (2008)
This piece of magical realism centers on the tempestuous relationship between a Latin truck driver and his headstrong girlfriend as they wind their way through the unpredictable, often surreal landscape of communist Cuba. Uproariously funny, with a brilliant performance by Sean Penn, this film transcends the road movie genre, lifting the audience up into profound and sublime precincts rarely encountered in cinema.
10. Game of Poems (2003)
This expertly crafted Michael Bay movie follows the lives of three poets as they vie for a $500 grant. Each story– that at first seem entirely disconnected–all come together in a rising and unexpected crescendo. It’s a taut, stylish thriller. (4 hours and 23 minutes)
]]>