I have been a huge fan of yours ever since Winter’s Bone. You are my Ozark Mountains, and our substantial difference in age, looks and talent does not make the purity of my affection creepy. It makes it real, and you Jennifer Lawrence are real. We should be together.
Michael Murray
Dear Jennifer:
I dreamed that you and I were walking along a beach together, holding hands. I was worried that a small sand crab might bite one of your bare feet, but you weren’t. “Hush now, my little turtle, “ you said, the salt air breezing through your hair.
Michael Murray
Dear Jennifer:
I saw you in The Hunger Games and I have to say, “I’m hungry for you!” Haha! No, that would be creepy and I’m not creepy. Would you come to my birthday party? If the answer is yes, please where a white dress in your next televised appearance, but black if it’s no.
Michael Murray
Dear Jennifer:
I consider myself a feminist and believe in equal rights for women. I just want you to know that. I would fight for your rights.
Michael Murray
PS: Anne Hathaway is a bitch
Dear Jennifer:
I think it’s really cool that you served as an assistant nurse at the summer camp your mother ran while growing up. I tell you, if I was attending that camp, I would have been sick with stomach problems all the time! You should star in a movie about a nurse who falls in love with an older hernia patient and then has a forbidden and torrid affair with him. I have some drawings and notes if you’d like to see them.
Michael Murray
PS: Please send an autographed photograph.
Dear Jennifer:
The other day I had a dream that some breed of super rats were attacking me. I was valiantly fighting them off, but there were too many of them and all I could feel were their horrible teeth and claws slashing at me. And then you came into the room and everything smelled like pumpkins and the rats vanished. Holding hands, we ran together into a forest, the sound of waterfalls in the distance.
Michael Murray
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Me: Holy Mother of God, you are just stunning! You are insanely beautiful! Jesus!!
Marion: Thank you, that’s very sweet of you to say.
Me: Your voice is chocolate, French chocolate.
Marion: I see.
Me: I think I need my inhaler. Sorry. Jesus, this is embarrassing.
Marion: It’s all right.
Me: It’s just that you’re so beautiful. You’re luminous, like a cloud made of gold and light.
Marion: I’m just an actress who has agreed to talk to you about my new movie Rust and Bone that just opened in the United States.
Me: Yes, yes.
Marion: It is a wonderful film, very complex and beautiful.
Me: You train whales in this film, don’t you? You’re a beautiful marine biologist! I bet you look even better with your hair wet. It probably changes the way it smells. If I were a killer whale I would do whatever you told me to do!
Marion: Yes, well, the film is about a whale trainer who suffers a terrible accident where she loses her legs. She is both a physical and emotional amputee, and must let love back into her life. It was a very challenging role for me to play, but as an actor all you want to do is discover more about the human soul.
Me: You have such beautiful legs it would be a shame to lose them, even if it was just in a movie! But yeah, I think I know what you’re saying about the human soul. I get it. You were in Batman, too, weren’t you? I always thought you’d make a great Catwoman. Have you ever thought about being Catwoman? You’re more beautiful than Halle Berry times Michelle Pfeiffer times Anne Hathaway times Halle Berry again, plus all the old TV ones.
Marion: I think that they did marvelous jobs playing that role and I don’t think I’d want to repeat work that had been done so well. I like to always do something new, to always challenge myself.
Me: My wife thinks that I’m a real challenge.
Marion: I am sure that she does.
Me: What movie do you think you were most beautiful in?
Marion: It’s been a pleasure Mister Murray, but I am afraid I’m on a very tight schedule and I have an another appointment to keep now.
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