It’s just not quality.

Melania is posing naked for a classy magazine.

I’m really happy about this because I want everybody to see what I have and they don’t, so I’m at the photo shoot making sure everything goes Trump perfect. I’m giving Melania instructions on how to pose, and as she’s doing exactly what I tell her to do, I try to Tweet a picture with the words,“Twice with this one last night!” but discover I can’t get into my Twitter account, @realDonaldTrump.

I am building a wall. It’s a great wall, a huge wall. It’s going to be the best wall ever. And then somebody, A Mexican, approaches me and tells me that there are scuff marks on some of the imported marble. A Mexican. What does a Mexican know about imported marble? Nothing. Enraged, I pummel him with the might of an angry white nation, and when I’m finished I’m covered in Mexican blood, which is just disgusting. I try to wash it off but can’t, and the more people I hire to wash it off, the thicker and stickier it seems to get.

I am in the penthouse of one of my many, many luxury apartments. I’m there to evict the deadbeat tenants by forcing them to jump off the balcony. One of them refuses. I wake up in a cold sweat.

I am waterboarding Ted Cruz’s wife because she won’t change her last name to something American.

In spite of her pain and terror and screaming and begging, and that her top was so wet it was completely see-thru, the experience was not nearly as sexually exciting as I had expected it to be. Woke up feeling empty, a sensation that trailed me all day long.

I am Captain of the Starship Enterprise.

I’ve rented out three decks as luxury condos, converted the Holodeck into a casino, crushed the Starfleet union and am running a real estate training program for my promising officers. Federation mismanagement had been costing the tax payers a fortune, but with me at the helm, the Starship Enterprise was making a fantastic profit and had never looked better. And then we’re doing a routine patrol of Quadrant 4 when a Klingon Bird of Prey suddenly materialized before us. As I was negotiating with their Captain, I noticed a stain on my uniform. Laundry had screwed up again!

In this dream I am a boy, lost and alone in the woods with no business plan.

1. It’s late at night and I’m at my laptop playing WordCrack on Facebook.

I’m killing it. Words are just coming to me as if by magic. I’m easily the best WordCrack player who has ever existed. I am happy and at peace, surging through my life with the confidence and brilliance of an elite athlete. And then, amidst all the letters in the scramble, I see the name Jones popping up. I know it means something important and that it’s my duty to highlight and score the letters in order to keep my son safe, but when I try to do this, his name vanishes and appears somewhere else. I’m desperate, frantic in my attempts, but his name keeps eluding me, and then suddenly my time is up and I’ve failed. My score is zero. With a sense of dread I walk toward the nursery to check on Jones, but I know he won’t be there, that he’s gone, and that it’s my fault because I wasn’t a good enough WordCrack player.

2. Laetitia Casta and I are on a beach.

“Do you want me to climb up that tree and get you a coconut, mon cherie?” I ask her.

She says that she does and I shimmy up the tree with the greatest of ease. As I start to shake the tree, Laetitia does a cute, little dance for me down on the beach, “You are such a nimble, little monkey!” she says.

I can feel the sun on my face and the salt water breeze wafting through my hair. I am young and invincible. I shake the tree trunk a little bit harder, hollering like Tarzan, and this makes Laetitia laugh, and a coconut breaks free and begins to fall toward the beach, but instantly, it turns into Jones. I scream and throw myself after him, and I am falling for an eternity through a kind of darkness, never catching up to him, and then I wake up in a cold, poisonous sweat.

3. Rachelle, Jones and I are playing Risk.

I have amassed all my troops in Quebec and have assured myself victory, but Rachelle and Jones make a pact and gang-up on me. I try to be good natured about this, but inside I am burning with anger and jealousy. In short order they eliminate all my troops and knock me out of the game, laughing together as they do so. I start to scream at Jones, “You’ve always loved your mother more than me, always!!” And then I wake up feeling like an asshole, trailing this weight of shame behind me all day long.

I’m walking along the Serengeti like any normal day and suddenly my spots begin to fall off. I’m freaked-out, of course, and I try to roll around on the ground to get them back on me but it just makes it worse and they continue to fall off, but at a faster rate now. I start to run away, but as I’m doing this I realize that my spots have become a trail that will lead my enemies to me.

Lobster

I am just walking along and then I find myself in some sort of trap. It’s like everything is in slow motion and I can’t get back out the way that I came in. I’m in a real panic and then very slowly the trap, with me in it, begins to rise up through the water and I just know that something horrible is going to happen, and that’s when I wake up.

Woodpecker

It’s always the same tree. I’m pecking away, trying to find some grubs or ants to eat and then I break through a barrier and I’m looking into a big room that’s in the middle of the tree where my mother is having sex with my uncle.  My beak is stuck in the tree and I can’t look away. It’s horrible.

Butterfly

I am flying along and then something happens and I’m only able to fly in a straight line. I’m doing everything I can, but still, just a straight line. I feel so out of control, so lost.

Kangaroo

I’m looking in my pouch for my Joey and I can’t find him. I’m frantic and just keep digging deeper and deeper, but all I keep pulling out are tufts of hair and then I’m completely bald and I know, I just know that the Dingo got my baby and that it was my fault.

Squirrel

I’m getting ready to hibernate for the winter and I’m collecting as many nuts as I possibly can. I can’t stop eating them and I’m just getting bigger and bigger and bigger and then I start to float up into the sky and I feel like I’m going to drift away into the vast universe and never be seen again.

Seahorse

I’m floating around and everything is very calm. I don’t feel threatened at all and in a flash there are Sea Monkeys everywhere. The chattering is horrible and there’s nothing I can do to get away, and then they all pile on my back, whistling and teasing, and I try to buck them off but I can’t.

Penguin

I am on an ice floe alone in the middle of the ocean and the water keeps getting warmer.