In it, I am wearing a costume that is clearly racist and offensive.

This picture was taken from a Christmas Assembly at Lisgar Collegiate in Ottawa, Ontario, and I was performing a rap as an “urban Santa.” Although I was not in black face as some have asserted, my family and I had just returned from a vacation in Hawaii and I had a very uncharacteristic tan. I am deeply apologetic for that triggering tan, the privilege that implies, and for my blatant cultural appropriation.

It is also true that I wrote, “I HAVE ALWAYS HAD A CRAZY CRUSH ON YOU!! in Marie-Therese Vitzhum’s yearbook in 1983. I am deeply embarrassed by my insensitivity to my brothers and sisters who struggle with mental illness. After finishing in the bottom third of the standings in a fantasy hockey league two years ago, I, too, fell into a depression, so I need you to know you have an ally in Michael Murray, not an enemy.

I love you.
I hear you.
And I am listening.

These past behaviours of mine are not in keeping with who I am today or the values I have fought for throughout my career as Commissioner of the Dirty Pigeon Fantasy Hockey League. I want to offer my sincerest apology, and to state my absolute commitment to living up to the expectations the Dirty Pigeon Fantasy Hockey Community set for me when you elected me Commissioner. I understand why your faith in me has been shaken, and I recognize that it will take time and serious effort to heal the damage this conduct has caused.

I am ready to do that important work.

Humbled and grateful for this teachable moment.

Your fantasy hockey Commissioner,

Michael Murray

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Heidi like to make short statement.

Heidi only a dog.

Everybody think Heidi perfect because she so cute and strong and smart and sexy, but Heidi not perfect. Heidi like Instagram account, just looks like perfect life you’re jealous of. Truth is, some days Heidi actually a BAD DOG, and Heidi not scared to own it.

Heidi now like to address some of accusations being made on social media.

Heidi has engaged in Nonconsensual leg-humping.

It true.

Heidi now understands that even if told she “SuperAdorable,” and, “OHMYGODICANTEVENBELIEVEHOWGORGEOUSYOUAREYOULITTLECHOCOLATEKISSYOU!!” , even if she picked up and kissed on nose and have velvet ears stroked, still not invitation to leg-hump. Also, Heidi now knows that when two-legger sits down, even if two-legger wearing shorts and smell like cheeseburger, it still no consent. Heidi knows even if cheeseburger or ice cream cone spill on leg, STILL not consent.

Heidi gets it.

Heidi learn from mistakes and now ready to listen.

To really listen.

Heidi very sorry for pain she caused and regrets trying to normalize her attempts to assert dominance in pack hierarchies through leg-humping.

Heidi hopes that over time, and with continued hard work, she win back your trust.

I recently started a business in which I provide sexual misconduct apology letters for a wide variety of clients. If you need a sexual misconduct apology letter, please consider my affordable and highly effective services. Here are some excerpts of work I have done for various clients:

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1. It is with great anguish that I heard of that lady’s recollection about our night together in 1991. While her memory of that evening is very different from mine, it is now clear to me that her feelings of fear and intimidation are real. After all, I am a powerful Alpha male with many yachts and yes-men. However, in spite of this I have never been unusually violent, although I have been thoughtless and insensitive in some of my relationships over my many decades of sexual activity, and I sincerely and humbly apologize for accepting any blowjobs that were given out of ambition rather than love.

I am an ally to women everywhere.

2. Recently, there has been a little bit of coverage about some of my past behaviour in the “news.” I have made many mistakes and I am so very sorry that I have disappointed my friends, family, fans and beautiful team. My behaviour was wrong and there are no excuses. Although it is very difficult at the top, I take full responsibility for whatever my actions were, because that’s what a leader and Master Chef does.

Sharing the joys of Italian food with all of you each week is an honour and privilege. Without the support of all of you—my fans—I would never have a forum in which to combat the scourge that is sexual misconduct, so I want to thank you for giving me an opportunity to advance the cause for women all over the world. And in case you’re searching for a holiday-inspired breakfast, especially the mother’s out there, this link to Pizza Dough Cinnamon Rolls are a fan favourite!

3. As a college student on staff at a church in Texas more than 20 years ago, I regretfully had a sexual incident with a female high school senior in the church. At the time I thought ******’s form fitting sweater was a sign that my sexual gratification was God’s will. I see now that this wasn’t true, and that her sweater and strawberry lip gloss were in fact the devil’s beguiling handiwork. I sinned, Holy Spirit, I sinned, and I humbly ask if you would take this prayer and touch ******’s heart in the way that only you can and heal her of the pain that was caused from this sin 20 years ago. #Metoo #Timesup #IBelieveEve

4. Some of what is being said about me is untrue or mischaracterized, but there is enough truth in these stories to make me feel embarrassed and ashamed. Repairing the damage will take a lot of time and soul searching and I’m committed to beginning that effort. I have hired three lovely assistants to coach me in this endeavour, and have quit kite surfing in Barbados in order to better focus my energies on the important task at hand. The last two days have forced me to take a very hard look at all of my surviving sex tapes, and I see now that I was not acting the way a leading ally to women should have acted. I am very sorry, and ask all of those feeling pain to please apply this coupon code for a 15% discount on your next Cineplex experience!

The bland and genial-appearing host of The Today Show was fired by NBC News after they received a detailed complaint about his inappropriate sexual behaviour in the workplace. Perhaps it’s not surprising at all, as women have always known, and men have always presumed, that the entertainment industry is one in which sexually predatory men feed on the ambition of women.

But still, the nearly universal breadth of female experience, as evidenced by the #MeToo movement, and the scope of the charges laid and jobs lost, is staggering. Even though none of us should be surprised by any allegations, or whom they might be directed at, I found myself particularly saddened by the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs:

Doc:

In the home that Snow White shared with six other dwarfs, Doc allegedly summoned her to the bathtub, where he was nude, and pressured her to take off her clothes and, “Help polish the diamond.”

Grumpy:

After making sexual comments over dinner about Snow White, Grumpy allegedly went to her room, pushed her onto the bed and groped her. When she complained to other dwarfs about this, they all said, “Oh, that’s just Gropey!”

Happy:

After Snow White rejected Happy’s sexual advances, he locked the door, exposed himself and began to masturbate into a potted plant while blocking her exit. As he was unlocking the door and leaving, he turned and commented,  “Don’t you just love a happy ending?”

Sleepy:

Sleepy asked Snow White if she would sweep the floors naked and when she refused he then requested that she let him rub himself against her. He then threatened her with violence if she said anything about the encounter to the other dwarfs.

Dopey:

Snow White awoke from a nap to discover Dopey, completely nude, ejaculating on the sleeve of her nightgown. When reached for a comment, Dopey admitted that he had, “engaged in conduct that was inconsistent with his core values.”

Sneezy:

After serving lunch to the Seven Dwarfs, Snow White asked if they needed anything else, to which Sneezy replied, “ A blow-job would be nice.”

Bashful:

Bashful repeatedly came up behind Snow White while she was doing the dishes, pressed himself against her, grabbed her breasts and tried to rip her gown off before she would escape to the basement. Bashful made a statement saying, “I did flirt with her, and I remember trying to help Snow White with the dishes as part of what I thought was a consensual seduction ritual that went on and on for many years,” he said. “I am horrified and bewildered to discover that it wasn’t consensual. I didn’t get it. It makes me reassess every relationship I have ever thought was playful and mutual.”

All the same, family members told her that I had been writing about my feud with Atwood ( http://michaelmurray.ca/atwood-condo-tweet-fight#more-6562 ), and that some of the things I had been saying about her weren’t very kind. My mother was very, very disappointed in me and demanded that I write her an apology. We got in a huge fight about this, of course, and since I refused to do what she wanted, she went ahead and wrote Margaret Atwood a letter herself:

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Dear Ms. Atwood,

Hi, how are you?

I am fine, although I have to say that the weather in Ottawa has been very unpredictable! One day it’s hot as the blazes and the next it’s so cold Frito won’t even go outside!

Just last week ( in late September) it was far too hot to shampoo the carpet, so I called up Bea and asked her if she wanted to go to the Second Cup for a coffee. She said Ok, but first she had to finish watching her show, and so I waited, and then once we got there Bea insisted on sitting out on the patio. I have no idea why she wanted to sit there. It was so humid it was like being in a sauna! It’s no wonder she felt faint, she’s lucky she didn’t have another heart attack!

Anyway, I hope that the weather is better in Toronto than it is here.

It has come to my attention that my son, Michael Murray, has been saying some mean things to you on the computer. That’s not nice at all. Just cheap. It’s elder abuse, is what it is, and he’ll find out exactly how that feels when he’s older. He’ll get his, he will, and then he’ll be sorry. Let me assure you he was definitely not raised to be so cheeky and disrespectful, and the ENTIRE Murray family is very sorry for the way he has behaved toward you. It’s shameful, and although no one likes to say it, the truth is that he’s never been the same since the bee sting. It changed him, even if the doctors said it didn’t. A mother knows.

By the way, congratulations on winning an Emma for The Handmaid’s Veil! Such a fancy event! It must have been nice to have all those lovely starts applauding the great work you’ve done! Did you see Hugh Jackman? Such a handsome, classy man!

Yours sincerely,

Barb Murray

PS: Just awful about Las Vegas! I don’t know what’s gotten into people!

PPS: I have inclosed some hand sanitizer (There is a special on at Shopper’s Drug Mart) as you can never be too careful during flu season!!

Ford, perhaps anticipating all of the apologies he’s going to have to make as part of his 12-step program, is said to have already written one to Stintz:

Dear Karen:

Geez, I can’t tell you how sorry I am for saying that I wanted to fucking jam you. It was inelegant of me, and you are a classy lady who deserves better. In fact, when I get back (I will have a tan and expect to have lost another 30 pounds) I would like to take you out for an elegant dinner at Splendido (Spendido!).

Just the two of us.

On me, not the city.

I can apologize in person and we can talk policy and then you could listen as I explain how business and government work. You are easily the most attractive of my opponents, and it wouldn’t bother me in the least to give a pretty lady like you a little help.

I think it would have been cool if we went to high school together. I was really good at sports, rich and quite a bit thinner than I am now, and I bet we would have gone out. Do you ever think about alternate universes? I do all the time. In one alternate universe I bet we’re together, in an open kind of relationship, and are political dynamos. In another alternate universe I live in California and spend a lot of time on the beach and in another I’m an MMA fighter.

But right now I’m confronting reality head-on. It’s what a man does.

Anyway, now that I’ve wrestled and vanquished my demons, it’s time to forget the past and move forward. I’ve survived a terrible disease now, showing a lot of courage in doing so, and I’m no longer going to be a victim to drug monkeys, the media or left-wing politics. I am going to be a new and improved Rob Ford, slimmer and more deserving of having an affair with a woman like you. I swear, you’re so pretty that you could be a figure skater or a hot sportscaster.

I really respect you, Karen and look forward to working with you in the future!

Cheers,

Rob Ford