Dear Santa:
I hope you enjoy your protein shake for your long journey.
I would like to know what it’s like to be Santa Claus.
- Is it fun to fly?
- Do you like being in charge of your elves?
- Do you like delivering presents to children?
- What’s your favourite hobby?
- What do you do over the weekend?
- Do you ever think of moving to a sunny place?
- Do you go on vacation?
- What’s your birthday?
- Do you deliver presents to pets?
- Do you have a pet?
Love,
Talullah from LA
Dear Talullah:
You should know that Santa is very grateful to you for leaving him a protein shake. You are a very sweet girl. Unfortunately, Santa is very lactose intolerant and suffers acute gastric distress whenever he has a protein shake, so he had to give it to Dasher, his lead reindeer, who is a bit of a hippy and really very experimental in his tastes. Last year Dasher tried Ayahuasca– saw serpents and had diarrhea for two days.
Santa isn’t sure how that “blessed” him with “spiritual advancement,” but whatever.
Santa will now try to answer all your questions!
- It is NOT fun to fly. It is VERY dangerous, especially with all the drones terrorizing the skies! Santa is only able to do it if he gets gassed up and takes his medication: 3mg of Ativan and a magic gummy.
- Santa is not in charge of the elves! Santa and the elves work as a team, functioning as a single unit without any hierarchy! Also, the elves are very well compensated for the work they do and the netting that surround Santa’s toy factory are NOT suicide nets like those at all the Apple factories in China! Also, any rumours you heard about elf slavery or elf sex slavery are not true! That’s fake news!
- Santa has had worse jobs. Working at a poultry farm, for instance.
- For hobbies Santa really enjoys Cosplay, voyeurism and experimenting with surveillance equipment.
- On the weekends Santa usually just chills and watches Netflix with the wife. Highly recommends Mindhunter.
- It is amazing to Santa how ill-informed people are! Little girls like you, Talullah, just live in little electronic silos, never learning anything you don’t already believe! Let Santa assure you, there is plenty of sun in the North Pole!
- We have been to Mar-a-Lago a number of times. Just the best. Saw Melania changing into her bikini once. Not bad at all.
- Santa will only tell you that he is a Leo with Pisces ascendent.
- No. Santa would throw-up if he ever even saw a chicken again.
- Several elves and a turtle.
My most recent invention is a dating service called Hater Mater, where people are paired based on the things they dislike rather than the things that they like.
This is the preliminary questionnaire I have written for people using the App:
1. On a scale of 0-10, how much do you hate the sky?
2. Please choose the stupidest fucking sign in the zodiac.
3. Order these celebrities in the sequence in which you would most want to see them surreally injured in a crossbow incident:
Amy Schumer
The Ikea Monkey
Ethan Hawke
The entire cast from Orange is the New Black
Eric Trump
Adam Driver and Terry Richardson
4. On a scale of 0-10, how much do you hate the ocean?
5. Which Margaret Atwood novel gives you the worst stabbing stomach pain?
6. What do you hate more, squirrels or birds? (Please elaborate)
7. Do your parents hate you more than you hate them, or do you hate them more than they hate you?
8. Is you best friend kind of an asshole?
9. Do you find chopsticks to be infuriating and stupid and pretentious?
10. Do you often find yourself fantasizing about making over-rated Canadian author Margaret Atwood cry?
11. Which part of this passage from a celebrated Margaret Atwood novel do you despise the most?
“Who are you? And I mean really. Who are you?”
My gut tells me that if I tell her right now, in this moment, it will not be well-received. “A friend,” I say, my gaze lowering to her lush mouth and lifting. “And the man who wants to kiss you. Really kiss you. Can I kiss you, Myla?”
“You’re asking?”
“Yes. I’m asking. After all you’ve been through-”
“He hasn’t destroyed me. He hasn’t beaten me and I don’t like that you think he has.”
“I don’t think he’s beaten you.”
“He hasn’t,” she insists. “I’m not giving him that power and damn it, you better not either by treating me like I’m broken and fragile. So kiss me if you’re going to kiss me or let me go, if you don’t want-”
I cup the back of her head, and slant my mouth over hers, my tongue sliding against hers, stroking, caressing, and the taste of her, one part hunger I welcome, but the other part, the torment, I intend to drive away. I deepen the kiss, my hand pressing beneath her tank top, finding warm, soft skin. My fingers splay over her rib cage, while my mind reminds me that no matter how big she talks, she wants this escape for a reason. She has been abused, used, hurt. “
12. “Everybody loves a parade,” true or false?
13. Is Real Estate for fools?
14. When you hear the word “Mindfulness” do you want to build an attack drone or buy a magic killing sword?
15. What do you hate more, having to use a sink or writing with a pen?
16. Which superhero would you most like to beat-up in a fight?
17. Do you hate it when people say, “Good Morning!”
18. Are relationships insanely unrealistic and entirely impossible?
19. On a scale of 1 to 100, how much do you hate non-Spanish speaking people who pronounce Nicaragua as ‘Knee-ah-rah-hah?”
20. If you heard that Margaret Atwood opened a restaurant and that all the sandwiches were named after her poems, would you immediately vomit?
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This is a vast question, one that the Globe and Mail is trying to answer by asking some writers their thoughts on the matter. I am flattered to say that I was one of the writers they asked, and this was my response:
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A real man must have a healthy respect for nature.
A real man knows that humidity is a festering curse, so if the Humidex rises much above 30, he will stay inside with the AC cranked. He does this because he is smart and powerful and worldly. The real man never retreats, he merely lies in wait until favourable conditions arise.
A real man is also wary around birds.
He believes flight to be cheating and does not trust cheaters.
If any cheater birds come around a real man’s family, that bird would be a fool. A real man will wave his arms about and shriek, he will do whatever it takes to keep that bird from attacking his family.
Even if his family can be ungrateful and mocking.
That sort of stuff just rolls off a real man’s back.
A real man knows how to build a scarecrow to keep birds off the property he rents, too. If the real man lacks money because of his integrity, because he’s unwilling to be a sheep and get a “job” working for some soulless corporation or media conglomerate, then he will scavenge goods to create his scarecrow, and his scarecrow would be just as good, and a lot more scary, than any fancy, professionally manufactured scarecrow.
A real man is not scared to use coupons.
He is industrious.
And his fearfulness makes him fearless.
And if he cries easily, like when Jon Snow had to kill his red-headed, Wildling girlfriend on GOT, or when a sweet, little gymnast just nails the program she’s worked so hard on, it is only because he feels things so strongly.
A real man feels it in the gut.
He feels it in the gut hard.
You must understand that.
When at a party and spotting a turntable, the real man knows that it is his duty to assume all DJ responsibilities. He doesn’t shirk from this the way a not-real man might, but he owns the goddamn responsibility. He was born to educate the world by playing the barely recognizable esoterica from his youth. He was born to explain things to people.
And so, the real man won’t be bothered by all the pretty women rolling their eyes and leaving the dance floor. He won’t care that they call him DJ BuzzKill and make fun of his leather bomber jacket. In such a situation, the real man would be crying because the complicated beauty of his music had touched him in a holy way, that is all.
The real man used to be really good at sports.
]]>(https://twitter.com/HeerJeet/status/529749811906764804 )
Impressed by his work and his form, I have also been experimenting with the Twitter Essay:
- Okay, let’s talk about Art Garfunkel.
- He was part of the influential 60’s duo Simon and Garfunkel who were responsible for so many classic hits.
- He had crazy hair that reminded me of big bird.
- Nobody thought he had any talent.
- I don’t think he wrote any songs, he just sang in that high voice.
- Does anybody out there know if he wrote any songs?
- No?
- Nobody knows?
- Okay.
- So, he probably didn’t write any songs, he just looked weird and sang like a woman.
- That was enough. It was the 60’s.
- I wonder if he got a lot of groupies?
- Does anybody know? Did anybody out there sleep with Art Garfunkel?
- No one willing to admit?
- Fair enough
- Does anybody else think Art Garfunkel looks like Rex Murphy?
17. Look at this picture:
18. Now look at this picture:
19. DEAD. FUCKING. RINGERS.
20. I hate Rex Murphy.
21. He talks like Russell Brand writes, and he’s always crabby.
22. CBC should fire him.
23. Truth be told, CBC should just clear the decks and fire everybody.
24. Art Garfunkel turns 73 today.
25. He’s a Scorpio, the sign characterized by being stubborn and insensitive.
26. I had a girlfriend who was a Scorpio.
27. We met on Lavalife.
28. Here’s a picture, she’s the one with the nice smile and headband:
29. She broke up with me that day because I wouldn’t do the nude bicycle run.
30. Didn’t care about my physical insecurities, she just insisted it was a way for me to get over them.
31. I’ve had surgeries and am embarrassed by my scars, okay??
32. I don’t want to ride around naked on a fucking bike!
33. She’s the VP of bank now.
34. Art Garfunkel was an actor for a while.
35. Whenever you saw that he was going to be a guest star, like on the Rockford Files or something…
36. You knew it was going to be a good one to miss.
37. James Garner was a real actor.
38. He was a class act.
39. Just look at him!
40.What a man!
41. Art Garfunkel was the son of a traveling salesman.
42. Well, now is probably a good time to wrap up.
43. In sum, Art Garfunkel’s impact on popular culture has been negligible and certainly subordinate to Paul Simon and James Garner.
*I will post this on Storify for those who wish to save a copy for future reference.
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Otter Jan 20- Feb 18
Otters are typically very strange, many ultimately suffering from some form of mental illness. Left to their own devices they usually become unscrupulous and disease prone.
Wolf Feb 19- Mar 20
The Wolf is good with weapons.
Falcon Mar 21- Apr 19
The Falcon is a decisive, natural born leader, although they typically hate other people. The Falcon can often be a little bit conceited, but as their judgment is often very good, a little bit of arrogance is understandable. Falcons must be wary of gluten.
Beaver Apr 20-May 20
Mostly business, the Beaver gets the job at hand done with maximum efficiency and aplomb. Practical and unsentimental, the Beaver has a terrible sense of direction and will often get lost, thus making for very poor scouts.
Deer May 21- June 20
The Deer is the quick-witted joker of the zodiac. The Deer is also known for it’s wonderful voice, one that’s capable of mesmerizing people with song or creating perfect imitations of all manner of wildlife. Both Prince and Curtis Mayfield are Deers.
Woodpecker Jun 21-Jul 20
Woodpeckers are extremely irritating and often shunned. Notorious gossips, they’re known for spreading discord throughout the community and are often assigned the most dangerous tasks facing the tribe, like tasting suspicious meat or vegetation. Very stingy and lacking in generosity, there has never been a Woodpecker chief.
Salmon Jul 21- Aug 21
Electric, unpredictable and wholly creative, the Salmon is a true live wire. Many Salmons gravitate toward story telling or work as shamans. Generous, intelligent and empathetic, the Salmon never has a shortage of friends. Lucky number is 6.
Bear Aug 22- Sep 21
Pragmatic and methodical, the Bear is the one to call when a steady hand is needed. However, the Bear will always be lazy, prone to obsessive masturbation and very easy to manipulate. Few Bears live beyond the age of 40.
Raven Sep 22- Oct 22
Ravens, noted for their great physical beauty are demanding, inconsistent, vindictive and abrasive. Favourite food: maize.
Snake Oct 23- Nov 22
The Snake is a natural in all matters of the spirit. This preoccupation with the ethereal plain often leads other to view them as mysterious and sometimes frightening, but the truth is that they are often funny, inspiring and helpful, although prone to abnormal mood swings and chest infections.
Owl Nov 23- Dec 21
As changeable as the wind, the Owl is a tough one to pin down. A vicious temper keeps most people at a distance, but when properly nurtured and supported, the Owl can often become an adept cook, excelling particularly with soups.
Goose Dec 22- Jan 19
Persevering, dogged and ambitious to a fault, the Goose always achieves their goals. Indifferent to the approval of others, the Goose is determined to succeed at all costs. Those born to this animal sign make for excellent assassins.
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This is what is said:
Anna:
On Saturday, at about two in the morning, I stepped into a cab that was blaring opera.
It was completely unexpected and absolutely beautiful. The taxi was speeding through the mild, winter night with such light and joy contained within—we were a dazzling secret. Oh, I did not want to get out of that cab–the two of us, the driver and I, we could have gone until dawn as far as I was concerned. Keep the meter running, cabbie, let’s unroll the windows, let’s pour the music out into the streets and have the stars fall in.
I wish I had moved to Toronto with you, I wish I had loved you better.
RM
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Heidi got job at Globe and Mail to write Horoscope for dog. Hope you like!
Aries:
Aries dog hate leash. Think they Alpha of the pack but they not! Just dog with big head. Aries dog often scared of cats. Avoid cats this week. Cat know you just faker.
Taurus:
Taurus dog have great inner strength. Can bark for days at tree. In fact, great gift of Taurus dog is bark, which can be very beautiful if cultivated. Why wait, Taurus dog? Now is time to become great barker always wanted to become. Practice now!
Gemini:
Gemini dog famous for being stupid. All German Shepherds are Gemini. Gemini dog have dual nature and can never make up mind. Chase squirrel, not chase squirrel? Gemini dog don’t know! This week, chase squirrel!!
Cancer:
Cancer dog very good at swimming. This make them very weird dog. Heidi no like cancer dog. This week if cancer dog go swimming will be killed by Snakehead fish. It is written in stars.
Leo:
Leo dog very stupid. Think all great because often tall but really just baby-dog who like squeak toy more than blood of enemies. Leo dog disgust Heidi. This week very bad for Leo dog.
Virgo:
Virgo dog just love to travel! Pee on every tree! Virgo dog also have gift of clairvoyance. Can see future with only brain. This week must trust gift and locate missing child in well, then get many treats!!
Libra:
Libra dog must be very, very careful of cars this coming week. Be wary of squirrels! They follow Satan! Do not chase them to onto the hard black dirt of speed machines! Heidi warn you!
Scorpio:
Scorpio dog scared of growing up! Why Scorpio dog, why? You sit around with chew toy, wearing slave outfit of master! Scorpio dog have no pride, disgust Heidi! Time to start own pack! Stop wasting time on Cute Overload! Not getting any younger!
Sagittarius:
Sagittarius dog born under sign of the archer with Jupiter as ruling planet. Oh, Heidi once loved Doberman named Jupiter! So strong, leap high in air to catch Frisbee, so beautiful to watch that Heidi knew God must exist! Heidi so young and so in love, so much tail wagging! Had great time in bushes with Jupiter but never saw him again. Always wonder about Jupiter, what litter might look like.
Capricorn:
Capricorn dog must ask itself: Are you the hunter or the hunted? What “a dog eat dog world” really mean? Stop barking at clouds and take time to consider these questions. Lucky number 7.
Aquarius:
Aquarius dog really, really like people. Very weak dog lacking in character. Given to fleas, inability to control tail and compulsive gambling. Sort of dog that like Christian rock. Special colour this week Electric Blue.
Pisces:
Pisces is sign of very, very good dog! Very pretty dog! Jesus smile on Pieces dog. All week Pisces dog will have important dreams! Pay attention! Very powerful dog, so go kill squirrel and tear cat to stringy bits. Dig hole always dreamed of. You know fetch no game.
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