Fun fact: The name Barbados is derived from the Bearded Fig trees once found in abundance on the island.
Fun fact: There are only three known ghosts on the entire island.
Fun fact: Barbados is the birthplace of Rihanna who lived here until the age of 16.
Fun fact: If a beach hustler with a gold tooth asks you if you want to buy a coconut or a seashell, he might mean cocaine or weed.
Fun fact: Bicyclists in Barbados do not wear helmets and shoes appear optional.
Fun fact: You will only see white women, as if in a movie they once saw, jogging on the beach.
Fun fact: Tiger Woods chose to have his wedding in Barbados in 2004.
Fun fact: Chickens roam as freely on the streets of Barbados as squirrels do in Toronto!
Fun fact: It is embarrassing to have your wife pull you to shore from an undertow when you were pretty sure you didn’t need any help at all, especially when cool looking locals playing dominoes were watching.
Fun fact: The people of Barbados have a long ingrained history of Christian principles.
Fun fact: Homosexuality is illegal in Barbados!
Fun fact: Some women in Barbados dress like superheroes– like those who wear capes and control the weather– for church on Sunday.
Fun fact: The middle-aged British women who sun on the beach all prefer reading crime mysteries to any other genre.
Fun fact: Sand crabs are faster and more perceptive than you’d think.
Fun fact: Finding an artificial flower petal washed-up on a gorgeous, dream beach is entirely dislocating.
Fun fact: The Six Million Dollar man is not a cultural reference widely understood by most Bajans.
Fun fact: Women who look like they might have worked at Coyote Ugly back in the day really enjoy the attention of beach hustlers.
Fun fact: Squid are also known as Seacat in Barbados.
Fun fact: Sometimes it is easy to mistake a night diver’s flashlight exploring the water just beneath the surface for sub-aquatic UFO activity.
Fun fact: In Barbados, one drives on the left side of the road, which is easy to forget, especially if you only have your Learner’s Permit.
Fun fact: Sometimes a monkey, as fast as a demon, will dart in front of your car.
Fun fact: Monkeys are not supernatural and can be killed upon impact with your car.
Fun fact: Monkey deaths are very upsetting.
Fun fact: The monkey face is very human and expressive and it is heartbreaking to see a dying one reach out to you with its little monkey hand on the side of a tropical road.
Fun fact: My wife can’t stop crying and I am pretty sure she now hates me.
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Big news in Toronto today is Alpha dog Mayor of Toronto city, Rob Ford, get chased out by pack! He fired!! Heidi will miss big Ford dog, face always looked like blood meat and Heidi always imagine he smell like pot roast! Very sexy!
Heidi not sure what he do, but think he didn’t share with pack properly. Top dog very tricky position. Must take what yours, but also must throw bone to pack so they continue to fight for you! Heidi Alpha dog. Heidi great Alpha dog who run fast and have beautiful shiny coat of fur! Heidi think she make great Mayor for city of Toronto!
Mayan Prophecy say world change on December 21, 2012. Usher in new age of consciousness. Very clear to Heidi that time for animal is now! Time for us to be free, shake off bondage of slave names like Rusty and Chip and Frito and rise up against two-leggers who always telling us when Good or Bad. We no need that! We know when we Good or Bad! Animals smart in body and brain! But animals Bipartisan! Know we must work with two-leggers for good of all.
Heidi now assembling team to put together campaign and working on platform.
Many things Heidi like to do in her time as Mayor.
Heidi ban all cars from downtown! Cars very dangerous. Cars can be used to take animals on fun trips to beach or forest! No windows in cars, no windows allowed on underground cars, either, and for every two-legged seat there must be two dog beds. It is Heidi law!!
Street lights and Hydro poles to be made of giant Pepperette sticks.
Heidi get two-legged scientist working on making green solutions for giant Peperette sticks. All pot holes in city streets to be filled with liver treats and roads to be paved with cheese. Balls everywhere. Toronto become known as Ball City. Ball friendly. Bring in lots of revenue from tourist dogs from States! Heidi fiscally responsible!
Heidi make all cats and squirrels slaves. Cats very lazy and cocky animal! Give animals bad name, need to learn discipline and work! Squirrels really, really irritating–always so nervous and fast! Very hard to catch, so Heidi make slaves. They can clean dog bowls.
Kill all the owls.
Heidi hate owls. Death from above. Ever notice eyeballs don’t move? Demon dinosaur birds! They move head in circle to watch you! Very, very creepy! Heidi kill all owls. Each week, public execution of owls! Good for moral for city pack!
Heidi put freeze on condo development and raise property tax by 2%. Dens cost too much in Toronto!
Heidi still looking for campaign slogan.
Vote For Heidi, Vote For Ball City!
Heidi Got Bark And Bite!
Vote For Heidi Pretty Dog.
Heidi: Hope For The Future!
Heidi: Every Dog Has Her Day!
Heidi: Kill All The Owls!
Heidi: For A Greener Tomorrow!
Heidi: Because Slaves Are Good Idea!
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Just as I was about to move forward and pay for my items an old woman stepped wordlessly in front of me in the line. I looked down and saw that she had left her basket on the floor there before me. She dropped a few items into it and made a point of avoiding eye contact with me before pointing her chin up and away in a haughty, indifferent way. It irritated me a little bit, the way that these types of things do, and I watched her. Her hair was touchingly dyed the way that all grandmothers seem to colour their hair and the paint on her fingernails was chipped and fading, her fingers bent and swollen. On the back of each hand was a small, gauze bandage that had been taped into place by a nurse, little, island bruises spreading out from beneath— the signs of chemotherapy. When she left the store she got into a red Sentra that was idling in front, and sat down and smiled as if relieved. Her daughter or granddaughter, the woman who was driving, also smiled and they drove off, the old woman now happy, her basket full of the vegetables she need to make that special dish for her family who still remained.
Heading home I passed a beautiful young woman. The sunlight caught her hair and her cheeks were pinched a healthy rose by the autumn. Her right leg was in a brace and she used a cane to help as she threw one side of her body in front of the other, heaving up the street toward the subway, beauty and sadness falling indiscriminately upon the world around us.
]]>I had no idea.
He’d told me that he was going on his Hajj and that as he wasn’t sure when he’d be back from Mecca, it would be in my best interest to find another teacher.
I turns out this was a lie. Alpas never went on a Hajj and all the while has been teaching other students. Let me quote from the letter I was forwarded after trying to find out if he was back and ready to continue with our lessons:
“Instead of concentrating on the road Mister Murray seemed to prefer willful nattering, thus presenting a constant threat of an accident, endangering both his instructor and his inspectors newly repaired vehicle.”
“On numerous occasions Mister Murray was watching female pedestrians instead of the road, presenting a serious risk for an accident.”
“Mister Murray frequently asked inappropriate questions about my religious practices that made me feel very uncomfortable.”
“Mister Murray has shown no willingness or ability to learn and in my opinion is unteachable.”
There’s an awful lot I could say in my defense. For instance, the reason my driving skills never progressed was because Alpas was a HORRIBLE instructor. Also, Alpas frequently took one of his “obligatory” five daily prayer sessions during our one-hour class, and it appeared to be nothing more than a cigarette break where he stood around and smoked with cab drivers in front of the mosque. However, I’m not a mud slinger so I’m not going to get into a fight here, and Alpas, if you happen to be reading this I want you to know that I wish you nothing but the best and maybe some veneers for your teeth.
And so I’ve been assigned a new driving instructor and his name is Tarik.
He’s a bit of a dude.
Even though he has an emerging bald spot on the crown of this head, he spikes his thin, black hair. When I met him he was wearing wraparound sunglasses and had the earpiece from his phone dangling off his ear like a status symbol. The ring tone to his phone, which had a screen saver of him doing a chin up in an undershirt, was Bad Boys, the theme from Cops.
He was the anti-Alpas.
One of the first things he told me was that I had a gift from God when it came to driving. This was something Alpas never thought to tell me. Tarik was impressed by my confidence and my ability to accelerate through yellow lights, traits that are very highly valued with dudes.
Tarik also told me about all the sexy students he dated, and how Asians, East Asians and Pakistani people were absolutely the worst drivers on the planet. But I think the best part of the experience was getting a nickname. Tarik dubbed me “Fire Chaser,” (this because we spent the hour long lesson in pursuit of the source of a fire that was burning in the city—it was on Wellesely Street!) which is a super cool nickname, way better than “Nibblet,” which was what my old floor hockey team, the Jesus Cobras, called me.
They can suck it.
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