The only thing it said was, “Stop.”
Intrigued, I called the number to investigate and see who had left the mysterious message and what it might mean, but was immediately sent to a voicemail box that gave no indication of who, or what, might reside at the receiving end. Not wanting to give up on this communication, I texted back. These are the messages that ensued:
*********************************************************
Unknown Texting Entity: Stop
Me: Stop??? Stop what???
(One day passes)
Me: Can’t stop.
Me: Won’t stop.
Me: Maybe in the name of love. Maybe I will stop in the name of love.
(Another day passes)
Me: No. Changed my mind. Will NOT stop in the name of love.
(Two days pass)
Me: Is this the Instant Pot?
Me: You can see into the future, can’t you, Instant Pot?
Me: Is it true? Is it death by water for me? The Tarot reader said it was, but I’m not sure I believe her. I think she might have been unreliable. She was weird, smelled exactly like a Harveys. Very suspicious.
( One day passes)
Me: And I’m never even in the water.
( One day passes)
Me: My wife told me that the Instant Pot cannot send texts, so sorry. I guess you’re not the Instant Pot.
( One day passes)
Unknown texting entity: Just stop.
Me: STOP WHAT???? YOU’RE KILLING ME HERE!!! JUST KNOCK OFF THE MEAN GIRL BULLSHIT AND TELL ME WHAT IT IS I HAVE TO STOP DOING!!!
Me: Sorry. I don’t normally lose my temper like that.
Me: I haven’t been sleeping well.
Me: Lots on my mind.
( Two days pass)
Me: You’re a demon, aren’t you?
Me: I always knew a demon would pick me to seed.
Me: I knew this would happen. Ever since I read The Amityville Horror when I was eleven.
Me: That’s when I created a portal for you to enter into my life, wasn’t it?
Me: Fuck it!
( One day passes)
Me: Well demon, as you can see into my soul, you know that I’ve wanted to stop for a long time.
Me: The problem is I can’t stop.
Me: That’s why I haven’t been sleeping well.
Me: I. Just. Can’t. Stop.
Me: It’s all I fucking think about.
Unknown Texting Entity: Paske, gen anpil moun ki rebèl, plen diskou sans ak desepsyon, espesyalman sa yo ki nan gwoup la sikonskripsyon. Yo dwe bese, paske yo ap deranje tout kay ki nan kay yo lè yo anseye bagay yo pa ta dwe anseye-e ke pou dedomajman pou malonèt.
Me: Is this you, Jen?
Me: Are you fucking with me?
Me: If so, this is NOT funny.
Me: So not funny.
Me: I just had to take two Lorazepams, you fucker.
(One day passes)
Me: Okay, this is Michael’s wife Rachelle writing now. Listen, if you actually are a demon, why did you start off communicating in english and then switch to whatever you switched to, when you saw my husband start to panic? Why not just continue with english? Seems like a rookie mistake to me.
Me: I think you’re a false prophet!
Me: Demon! It’s Michael here again! The above, the blasphemy about you being a false prophet? That was written by my wife, not me! I would NEVER say that about you!!
Me: Rachelle here, demon. Could you make yourself useful and tell me where Jones put the car keys? And if you’re the reason why the remote is always disappearing, you’d better knock it off. Don’t think I won’t holy water the shit out of this whole place. I will. And I have a Bissel steam cleaner that can suck you right out of the sofa.
It’s a real ghostbuster, so just consider yourself on notice.
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Dear Santa:
I hope you enjoy your protein shake for your long journey.
I would like to know what it’s like to be Santa Claus.
- Is it fun to fly?
- Do you like being in charge of your elves?
- Do you like delivering presents to children?
- What’s your favourite hobby?
- What do you do over the weekend?
- Do you ever think of moving to a sunny place?
- Do you go on vacation?
- What’s your birthday?
- Do you deliver presents to pets?
- Do you have a pet?
Love,
Talullah from LA
Dear Talullah:
You should know that Santa is very grateful to you for leaving him a protein shake. You are a very sweet girl. Unfortunately, Santa is very lactose intolerant and suffers acute gastric distress whenever he has a protein shake, so he had to give it to Dasher, his lead reindeer, who is a bit of a hippy and really very experimental in his tastes. Last year Dasher tried Ayahuasca– saw serpents and had diarrhea for two days.
Santa isn’t sure how that “blessed” him with “spiritual advancement,” but whatever.
Santa will now try to answer all your questions!
- It is NOT fun to fly. It is VERY dangerous, especially with all the drones terrorizing the skies! Santa is only able to do it if he gets gassed up and takes his medication: 3mg of Ativan and a magic gummy.
- Santa is not in charge of the elves! Santa and the elves work as a team, functioning as a single unit without any hierarchy! Also, the elves are very well compensated for the work they do and the netting that surround Santa’s toy factory are NOT suicide nets like those at all the Apple factories in China! Also, any rumours you heard about elf slavery or elf sex slavery are not true! That’s fake news!
- Santa has had worse jobs. Working at a poultry farm, for instance.
- For hobbies Santa really enjoys Cosplay, voyeurism and experimenting with surveillance equipment.
- On the weekends Santa usually just chills and watches Netflix with the wife. Highly recommends Mindhunter.
- It is amazing to Santa how ill-informed people are! Little girls like you, Talullah, just live in little electronic silos, never learning anything you don’t already believe! Let Santa assure you, there is plenty of sun in the North Pole!
- We have been to Mar-a-Lago a number of times. Just the best. Saw Melania changing into her bikini once. Not bad at all.
- Santa will only tell you that he is a Leo with Pisces ascendent.
- No. Santa would throw-up if he ever even saw a chicken again.
- Several elves and a turtle.
