My level of celebrity has gotten to the point where people are digging up my ancient Tweets.
Several of mine, written way back in 2008 when I was only 42, have surfaced. Now that the fires of controversy, anger and hurt have subsided a little, I would like to address these Tweets. First of all, the Tweets themselves:
“More like No Country for Old Mansplaining! Can’t believe that piece of shit won best picture! Tommy Lee Jones was the worst, and there were no nude scenes!!! Zero!! #OscarsSuck!”
“ But it’s true, those goddamn orientals do work like dogs! How can we keep up! I really like the potential of this young buck of a councilor! Look out for Rob Ford, Toronto, he tells it like it is! #Orientaldogs”
“ I wish some great hacker would steal all the private, nudie photographs of hot movie stars and then release them to the general public! #EspeciallyJenniferLawrenceSweetJesusSheismyJesusMySexySweetJesus!
“I don’t know. Just something I don’t like about Barack O’bama. Maybe it’s the ears. Such a Ferengi. And we have no idea where he was born. #WhatAreYouHiding!?
“The blacks sure dominated the Olympics again!” #Beijing2008
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Although it’s difficult to apply the cultural values of one era to another, I categorically apologize for my Tweets and to anybody whom they brought pain. I want to be clear that in no way do I endorse hatred, racism, homophobia, xenophobia or any form of bigotry or intolerance. When I made those Tweets I was young, immature and stupid, but regardless, there are simply no excuses for any of them.
In the fullness of time I have come to realize that No Country For Old Men was a great movie, in spite of Tommy Lee Jones talking an awful lot about weird things and there being no nudity. Women are not purely sex objects. I see that now. I am sorry I didn’t see it earlier.
I had no idea a hacker would take my Tweet as inspiration and that The Fappening would one day occur. I am sorry that I was an unwitting party to this sex crime. In the wake of #MeToo, I have come to understand the constant sexual harassment and intimidation that woman daily suffer, and women out there, I want you to know that not only do I hear you, but I am listening. Thank you.
The Obama family were exemplars, and I am very sorry to have doubted them, particularly the girls. But perhaps more importantly I want to apologize to Star Trek fans and the fictional race of the Ferengis. It was not my intention to imply anything negative about this great and proud and kind of greedy species. In no way was I trying to say that they were Jews, and by assocication that Obama was a jew. That was not my intent. I was drinking heavily that year. I think Jews are great.
Lastly, I want to apologize to the all the blacks of the world. My words were insensitive and ignorant, and I now understand that not all blacks are good at sports. Just look at the Mets. I want to thank you, black people, for this gift of awakening. You have changed me.
I appreciate all the constructive criticism I have received. I’ve genuinely learned so much about how to be a better person and wish everyone all the best.
Namaste,
Michael Murray
PS: Please buy my book A Van Full of Girls. It’s the only chance I got.
Justin Trudeau and Barack Obama, or at least some consultation team associated with them, have made them, and now President Donald Trump, too, is releasing one. What follows are some selections from his playlist, as well as the President’s commentary on each song:
I Wanna Sex You Up by Color Me Badd
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kO6BtpIzIiM
“ This is a classic song. Sold over 6 million copies. Great artists. You ever see the video? In it a guy and a girl get it on in an elevator. Very hot. I had sex with Milla Jovovich in an elevator once. You see her in that movie Fifth Element? She wore nothing but bandaids in it, I mean, that was her costume. Very hot. Bet you would have liked some of that.”
Nadia’s Theme by Henry Mancini
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ttc9aCSRqEY
“What a beautiful, almost fragile piece of music. Made famous by that Romanian gymnast Nadia Comaneci in the 1976 Olympics. She was just a girl then, but she stole our hearts with her spectacular gymnastics. So beautiful. So limber. Later, when she was a woman, she appeared on Season 7 of Celebrity Apprentice. Attractive lady. Great boobs. Think they’re fake, but still pretty amazing. Saw her in the change room. Had to fire her, though. She just wasn’t cutting it.”
In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins
“ Very dramatic. If I was to commit a murder, I would do it to this song. Perfect music for killing. Phil was supposed to appear on Celebrity Apprentice but there was a scheduling conflict. Very short man, doubt he would have done well.”
Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds by the Beatles
“You can’t go wrong with the Beatles, and I particularly like this song because it’s about money. The Beatles should have written more songs about money. If they did, they could have gone on forever, but people were really getting bored of all that love stuff near the end. They were fading. That’s why they had to break up. Had nothing to do with Yoko. Got to say, Yoko was not an attractive woman. Weirdly, Ringo, who was the ugliest Beatles, had the best looking wife. Barbara Bach. She was a Bond girl. A real luxury edition. We used to have sex regularly in a bathroom stall at Studio 56. Ringo had no idea. Such a fool.”
Carmina Burana by Carl Orff
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6rbZr7YoqK0
“You might remember this tune from an Old Spice ad where a guy is surfing. A hot blonde is watching him, just begging for it. Very erotic. The music is incredible, really speaks to me. Used to listen to it turned up real loud before every negotiation. Got me pumped out to head into battle. Never lost one.”
Blurred Lines by Robin Thicke
https://www.vevo.com/watch/robin-thicke/blurred-lines-(unrated-version)/USUV71300526
“Oh man, the titties in that video!”
]]>For years there’s been an obdurate, official position that there is to be no negotiating with terrorists. Negotiation, or worse, capitulation would lead to utter catastrophe and societal ruination.
It was a mantra that echoed, even boomed in our heads, and to so much as question it was to let the terrorists win. It’s all a little bit counter-intuitive, because on an personal level, we all know that if somebody we loved were taken hostage, we would negotiate, doing whatever we could to bring that light safely back into our lives. When the stakes are intimate and truly meaningful to us, we only care about the results, not the precedent we’re setting in achieving that result.
In acquiescing to the Guardians of Peace demands and agreeing not to release the movie The Interview, Sony was acting in self-interest.
They were not concerned with freedom of speech or following the US government’s rulebook on dealing with terrorists, or even protecting the vulnerable part-time employees who’d be working in the threatened cinemas over Christmas, or anything else that wasn’t a part of their bottom line.
A corporation is not a moral agency, and it exists for the singular purpose of making money, and whatever serves that interest, whether it’s long-term or short-term, serves the corporation. In tatters and reeling, their internal system almost destroyed, Sony made a rational, tactical decision. Put the movie on the shelf for now and see how it all played out.
What’s interesting is that when money, when the unencumbered progress of private enterprise was put in peril, objectives were met. Now, all sorts of smoke and mirrors surround this, but it reduces to the valuation of corporations over actual humans.
One could argue that the dominant species on the planet are actually corporations. Single-minded and constantly feeding, they’re boundless, traversing and devouring landscapes and cultures like a predatory science fiction behemoth. They must feed, and in so doing behave in a very reptilian, even predictable (if strategic) fashion. Although they may, very weirdly, have some of the same rights and responsibilities as human beings, they’re not human beings and don’t serve the broad interests of the species—they’re just seeking to metastasize, and any concessions that are made to modernity, social progress or environmental stewardship, for instance, are done purely to ensure they’re continuing to maximize profit within an evoloving host.
The lesson to learn here is that when an economic system is disordered, as was Sony’s, then a meaningful tactical response was achieved. Our hearts might break to see hostages taken in a coffee shop in Sydney or journalists executed in a faraway desert, but the terrorist’s goals are not achieved until what really matters is threatened, and that is the free market. Corporations, massive, powerful and ubiquitous, perhaps more powerful than nations, remind me of dinosaurs, and the cyber attacks now threatening them are a virus to which they might be vulnerable, and could ultimately cripple the entire species.
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Good afternoon, everybody, happy Wednesday! I hope you all enjoyed the poem I posted on Facebook today. It’s about an Amish girl and snow, really sweet. I thought I’d take some questions, but first I want to address something that’s being weighing heavily on my mind.
I have done some things that are contrary to my values. I tortured some folks. I understand why it happened, and I think it’s important that we all remember how lonely, frightened and angry I was feeling after the Twin Towers fell. I was really furious, drinking pretty heavily at the time and the truth is that I wanted nothing more than to lash out. I think many of us were feeling that way, and I know that my partner-in-torturing-folks, Vera, certainly was.
But remember, Vera, who is a patriot, was under tremendous pressure at that time. She was working really hard at two kitchen jobs, unsure about whether to get back with her ex and had just had her bike stolen.
That’s quite a bit to handle, and she was simply doing the best she could under difficult circumstances. However, having said all that, the simple truth is that we did some things that were wrong.
Waterboarding violates my ideals and values.
Nothing, not even finding out where Vera’s stolen bicycle was, and if it was her ex who stole it, is worth violating our values for. Vera and I crossed a line, and this needs to be understood and accepted, and we, as drinking buddies, need to take responsibility so that hopefully we don’t torture any more folks in the future.
Kids, let me say to you, torturing folks is wrong. It’s not what Michael Murray stands for, and it’s my hope that this sad series of incidents over the summers of 2011 and 2012 and 2013, remind us once again, that our character has to be measured not by what we do when things are easy, but what we do when things are hard.
Q. What is your idea of perfect happiness?
A. To live a life free of false reports about Syria, and the constant threat of US propaganda and weaponry insulting and destroying our lives!
Q. What is your greatest fear?
A. Bombs.
Q. Which living person do you most admire?
A. I admire my brothers in the Syrian Electronic Army.
Q. What is your favourite journey?
A. It is when I journey online to hack American systems. I feel like I am visiting the nation myself and that I fight for truth and freedom. Of course, I also look forward to the Haj once I am older, have more money and less threats hanging over my head, and as strange as it may sound, I would also like to see Disneyland.
Q. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?
A. Physical strength. It is more important to be strong in the heart and mind. It amazes me that girls– Amira in particular– never seem to see this truth.
Q. On what occasion do you lie?
A. To protect the secrecy of the Syrian Electronic Army.
Q. Which living person do you most despise?
A. I hate Barack Obama very much, as I do Bush 1 and Bush 2, but I truly despise Harout. He is dishonest with the girls that I know, particularly sweet Amira, and he does not care about them, only himself and wrestling. He will know the wrath of the Syrian Electronic Army!
Q. What do you dislike most about your appearance?
A. I would like to be physically bigger and stronger so that I might punch Harout and win Amira from him. I would hit him in the throat so hard he would no longer be able to eat.
Q. What is your greatest regret?
A. It is personal, but it has to do with Amira.
Q. What or who is the greatest love of your life?
A. Next question, please.
Q. What is the trait you deplore most in yourself?
A. Ha! That one is as easy to hack as The Huffington Post! I am terribly messy and you can ask any of my brothers if this is the truth! Also, I do not spend enough time with my pet.
Q. What is the trait you most deplore in others?
A. It is the hypocritical bombing of a free people.
Q. What is your greatest extravagance?
A. Sneakers. I have many pairs, perhaps 20.
Q. When and where were you happiest?
A. It was on the beach at Ras Al Bassit. Amira and I laughed and played in the waves as it rained one early evening. We were dolphins.
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Day 1:
Spent half the goddamn day looking for the thing. Turns out Lupita put them in my desk drawer. Never know what that woman is thinking. I don’t hate illegals or anything, but I think she might be stealing from me. Why would she hide magic glasses unless she didn’t want me to see what she was up to?
Day 2:
Had soup.
Chunky Sirloin Burger with Country Vegetables.
Came out of microwave way too hot.
Glasses failed to respond to voice command, “Soup, cooler!”
Very disappointing.
Day 3:
Found on button.
Day 4:
Magic glasses allow me to watch TV in my head. Barack Obama continues to destroy the nation with his socialism. Clint Eastwood doesn’t want or need any help from the government. Government, just get out of my damn way!
Also, squirrels making a mess out of the backyard. I won’t need any government intervention to handle this one.
Day 5:
Heard something about that new pope washing the feet of juvenile delinquent girls. Don’t like the sounds of that. Isn’t the Pope just supposed to wash man feet? What the hell has Easter become? Thank God baseball’s started.
Couldn’t find glasses again, then later discovered I was wearing them. Fell asleep early.
Day 6:
Wore magic glasses on shopping expedition to get a heating pad. Woman at the cash was making a big deal about me being ‘the famous Clint Eastwood.” Hate big womanly fusses. She kept asking me to point my finger at her and say, “Do you feel lucky, Rose?” Glasses failed to weaponize upon command and so I just left without buying heating pad.
Very dissatisfied with glasses—Rose still alive, not even wounded, no heating pad and vision hasn’t improved. Google, I’m no longer going to play your game.
