Now, in the 21st century, forward thinking Klan members are looking at ways to financially exploit this successful brand, giving the organization a more corporate sheen and putting the defining racist principles that govern the organization on the backburner. In an effort to accomplish this goal, they’ve put out a broad call to agencies and individuals across the globe to help in a rebrand, and I was one of the people lucky enough to be contacted.
1. KKK’s Fried Chicken Shack
A fast food franchise throughout the rural south would serve as an excellent transition business, moving the KKK from violent hate group to an affordable, family-friendly eatery in no time. Competing with KFC, but with a more authentic, regional flavour, a Klansman with smiling face exposed–but still wearing the distinctive white hood– would be the corporate logo, much like Colonel Sanders for KFC. KKK’s Fried Chicken Shack would be racially inclusive, thus combating any negative connotations that might linger about the past of this emerging corporate titan.
The signature dish would be fried chicken skin crisps, and like MacDonald’s Happy Meal, KKK’s would serve The Hooded Order, which would be two pieces of chicken, an order of fries and a bottomless Coke, as well as a KKK action figure for the kids.
2. KKKSN Klu Klux Klan Sport’s Network
There’s nothing, excluding beauty pageants and guns, that’s’ more American than sports, and the marriage between the KKK and sports entertainment is a no-brainer. The network should focus on competitive eating (cross-marketing with KKK’s Fried Chicken Shack), crossbow hunting, street fighting and various rural soldier type programming. Over time, the network could expand to include more conventional sports, but to start it must specialize in that which it’s core audience loves best.
3. KKK: Guardians of the Earth
In the era of Global Warming, nothing could be more important to the public than the appearance of trying to save the environment. The KKK, showcasing their defining uniforms, could roam the land as a kind of cross between Forest Rangers and Guardian Angels, policing the public and making sure that people are not polluting, using too much hot water or otherwise disrespecting the land. One of the bonuses of this is that the KKK could still position itself as anti-government.
4. KKK Dog Walking and Pet Care
This would essentially be a corporate shell, existing primarily to keep members of the KKK in the public eye and achieving the positive association of being caretakers of the pets that American’s so love.
CLASS AND QUALITY
Our future leaders and business tycoons will learn about gold plating, Chinese food, sports pedicures and Europe from some of the loveliest contestants in the history of The Apprentice. This intensive course is uptown.
“The course I took on Class and Quality at Trump University really helped me become the man that I am. I owe Donald Trump a lot more than just money.”
–Dennis Rodman
If you want to climb the ladder to success, you need to take this course.
THE ART OF TWITTER
Trump, long known for his devastating wit and ability to conjure Le Mot Juste, is a master of communication. In this course, students will acquire the skills and techniques needed to learn to use Twitter to their best advantage so that they may enhance their brand, network effectively, disseminate message and defeat their loser enemies. We will do an in depth reading of the famous Twitter exchange between Donald Trump and loser TV writer Danny Zuker. *1
HYGIENE AND COLOGNE: “A MAN IS ONLY AS RICH AS HE SMELLS (* This course is only open to men)
Donald Trump knows that the key to success is more than just business acumen and acquiring the appropriate trophy wives. A man has to look good: he has to be clean. In this class many of Donald Trump’s secret grooming tips will be shared with, and only with, this exclusive group of quality and classy students. You will learn how to wear socks that make a winning statement, how to keep your nails clean without looking like a pushover in the boardroom and how often to bathe/shower/hot tub and whether it is appropriate for servants to see you naked. The answer might surprise! A clue, from Donald Trump, “Intimidation is key to any success in business.” (Includes a field trip to a sauna at a cost of $85 per student.)
BUSINESS AND BIG GAME HUNTING (Discontinued)
BEAUTY PAGEANTS AND SEX TAPES (Graduate level course)
After extensive viewing of course material, students in this seminar will learn how to expertly avoid being trapped in sex tapes by bitter ex-wives, business associates, competitive, ambitious friends of your daughter and prostitutes, and how to profitably and successfully navigate the complex, often dangerous landscape of beauty pageants.
*1 http://variety.com/2013/more/news/donald-trump-modern-family-writer-spar-on-twitter-1200487989/
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