Dear Iceland:
You know who I am.
I am Leonardo DiCaprio.
My resume speaks for itself. I am arguably the greatest actor of my generation (sorry Christian Bale), wealthier and more powerful than many small nations and have a Klout score of 88.2. I can make it rain.
You should know that I am a HUGE fan of your work as a weird island nation and am really impressed with your buzz. You’re punching above your weight, little guy, and you’ve got some great PR people in your corner!
I think that the two of us could do some great work together and with that in mind I’d like to attend the Iceland Writer’s Retreat this year in order to research a role for a film I hope to shoot in Iceland in 2016.
What is Leo DiCaprio’s project you ask?
It is to be the blockbuster of 2017. It’s to be called Written in the Ice, and I will star as an ex-CIA operative who has made a break from the dark world of Black-Ops he mastered in his past. Having been given a new identity, Leonhard Jónsson, now a fisherman and aspiring writer, is living a humble village life in Iceland.
He is crazy talented and charismatic, but he’s suffering a form of PTSD and has writer’s block. However, this lifts when he attends the Iceland Writer’s Conference and meets a quirky, hipster Icelandic woman (hotter and younger than Bjork, but suggesting Bjork) who believes she communicates with elves. They have sex.
Through one of her nocturnal communications with the elves, (she falls into an automatic writing trance but must be naked for it to work) she is given a secret for renewable energy that will save the world from global warming, but before Leonhard and her can get the secret out and save the world, evil government forces and big oil seek to kill them and destroy the information.
It will be the best movie ever, sweep all the awards and be a “Titanic” success for the Iceland tourism, but for me to properly play all the dimensions of Leonhard Jónsson, I will have to attend the Iceland Writer’s Conference, free of all expenses for myself and my staff of 28.
A few other requests:
For the process to properly work, I need to be in the presence of lots of beauty. Please ensure that the class is populated with beautiful women. I cannot stress the importance of this enough.
I will require a beach, and if it is off-season, then I will require that it is artificially heated so it simulates the tropics.
I will need a helicopter and a yacht.
I will only attend 45 minutes of the conference each day and will not be required to “turn in” any work for grading.
Legal immunity from the laws that govern Iceland will also be required.
Nobody is permitted to look directly at my man bun.
Looking forward to working with you, and my lawyers will be in touch shortly!
Regards,
Leo
]]>“The Invisible Gays” was a Black-Ops project undertaken by the CIA that lasted through the 1950s to 1980. The highly classified covert operation implemented weather manipulation technology, chemical warfare, mind control and the paranormal in an attempt to influence social behaviour and undermine the USSR. Like a weather system, the CIA sought to create “Homosexual Clouds,” with which they could then target various key groups of Soviet society. This imperceptible cloud would infiltrate certain groups creating gays, or at very least feminine, neutered sensibilities, from what was otherwise very vigorous, heterosexual stock. Through this process the USA hoped to gain the upper hand in the Cold War by emasculating, demoralizing and destabilizing the male-dominated, warrior culture of the Russian empire.
The success and even existence of the operation is still in some debate, although there are many in the West who believe The Invisible Gays played a large role in the eventual collapse of the Soviet Union.
The Invisible Gays and hockey
The “enigmatic” Russian hockey player is said to be a direct result of The Invisible Gays project. Historically, hockey was a very violent sport in Russia, but over the course of the 1970s the game took on an artistic character that saw fighting almost entirely eliminated even though it had always been a beloved and encouraged part of the sport. According to sources within the CIA, “Homosexual Clouds” were directed in greater and greater number into the locker rooms of powerhouse Russian hockey teams like the Red Army and Moscow Dynamo during the 70s, resulting in an effete style of play that lingers in the national character to this day.
Vladimir Putin and The Invisible Gays
It’s believed that Vladimir Putin’s current anti-gay laws have much to do with his knowledge of The Invisible Gays from when he was working for the KGB. Although it has never been confirmed, it is believed that Putin worked exclusively as an anti-The Invisible Gays operative for 6 years, at which time he was exposed to many Homosexual Clouds. Some have posited that this exposure has had lasting effects on the man, leaving deep within him homosexual desires which are now expressed as a repressive rage. Some argue that is a False Flag, and that Putin simply knows from personal experience how dangerous and what a threat The Invisible Gay project, and thus homosexuality, is to stable Russian society.
The Invisible Gays and popular culture
Reclusive American author Thomas Pynchon wrote a novel called The Invisible Gays.
Me: Are you Nikita?
Woman: No, it’s just my job to hand out these notifications.
Me: Who is Nikita?
Woman: The role is played by Maggie Q.
Me: Maggie Q?
Woman: Yes, it’s her third season in the role. She leads a black ops organization in charge of hunting down rogue spies all over the world. Very thrilling and dramatic!
Me: That sounds like a job with a lot of responsibility. Am I suspected of being a rogue spy?
Woman: Well, I’m not sure, I’d have to ask Nikita.
Me: Could you do that, please. I’m going to have to juggle a few things around if I’m going to be hunted.
To my surprise the woman seemed amused and picked up her phone and called Maggie Q, the actress who plays Nikita.
Woman: Maggie, hi, it’s Janet. I’m just doing a flyer run on the street where we’re going to be shooting on Friday and a man here needs to know if you’re going to be hunting him down as a rogue spy. Yes, I think he must have a past.
Me: Let me speak to her.
Woman: Maggie, he has me hostage. He has spy skills. He’s demanding to speak to you.
The woman then handed me the phone.
Me: Maggie, what sort of assurances can you give me that I won’t be harmed during the shooting of this episode?
Maggie Q: You have full assurances.
Me: I need to know more about what’s going to be shot. I frequently take the dog for a walk and for a spy I’m surprisingly clumsy. Are you going to be kicking people or wielding a sword? I would consider those hazardous activities.
Maggie Q: Mostly, I’ll be looking sultry and intense. My hair will be messy but still sexy and I’ll be forced to point a gun at somebody. My look will suggest it hurts me more than it hurts them.
Me: (Covering the phone and speaking to the woman who was now scratching the ears of our dog, Heidi) She says she might have to kill somebody.
Woman: Well that’s unfortunate. Let me speak with her, maybe I can persuade her to change her mind. (The woman turned her back to me and there was muffled talking.)
Woman: Okay, here’s the deal, Maggie will pass on the killing if you agree to be an extra in a shot, we think an older-dad type walking his little dog down the street might be the perfect illustration of how Nikita keeps the innocent and helpless safe from the dangers of the world. What do you say?
Me: But I’m a rogue spy.
Woman: (Smiling) Oh, no, I’m sorry, but you’re so not.
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