These are the text messages I sent my wife Rachelle on Monday:
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Me: Yep.
Me: Dropped Jones off at daycare and am now at the polling station getting ready to cast my vote for mayor!
Me: No.
Me: Mayor McCheese is not on the ballot.
Me: It is a shame. Not only is he VERY experienced, but he’s also delicious.
Me: I agree, we do underestimate taste when it comes to appraising our candidates.
Me: I think Doug Ford would have been a buttery mayor, like wagyu beef.
Me: John Tory? The current mayor? Beef jerky.
Me: He looks creepy. Desiccated and plastic, like if you bred a dry roasted peanut with a Ken doll. Looks like somebody from Blue Rodeo who suddenly got really, really old!
Me: No.
Me: No, that’s not a “dig” at Jim Cuddy.
Me: All I’m saying is that his opponent, Jennifer Keesmaat, has aged pretty well.
Me: What?
Me: Look, all I mean is that she looks as good now as she did 15 years ago. Let’s smash the patriarchy and vote for her!!
Me: Oh.
Me: Well, when you put it like that I guess it does sound a bit like I’m going to smash the patriarchy by voting for a woman I think has aged well.
Me: And you think that’s wrong?
Me: Okay.
Me: Well, in my defence I knew JK back in the day.
Me: Didn’t I tell you?
Me: But look, I also like her transit plan. Very smart. And let me assure you, she’s more than just another pretty face! You should vote for The Keezer!
Me: A nickname I had for her.
Me: Oh, that was so long ago.
Me: Lava Life, I think.
Me: We only went out on one date.
Me: Went to Maine for a long weekend.
Me: Yeah, I guess it was a three day date.
Me: What did we do?
Me: Well, she’s a HUGE Stephen King fan so we went on a tour of his house in Bangor.
Otherwise, we just drank some wine, walked the beaches, talked policy. Stuff like that.
Me: Hunh!
Me: Hadn’t thought about that, but yeah, Stephen King’s house is my screen saver.
Me: Look, I hadn’t even met you yet!
Me: Rest assured, if you were running for mayor I would vote for you!
Me: You would organize the hell out of this city!
Me: You really would.
Me: And I LOVE the idea of making Toronto a Sanctuary City for all the lost animals of the world.
Me: You would be a way better mayor than JK.
Me: I would be a Russian bot for you.
Me: I would lie to congress for you.
Me: You wouldn’t believe how many laws I would break for you political ambition!!
Me: People would be screaming at me every goddamn time I tried to eat out. You can bet your bottom dollar on that.
Me: It’s true. You are the fire with which I burn. You have all of me, my love, you always have and always will.
Me: Yes.
Me: Absolutely. You have my word.
Me: I will change my screen saver.
]]>As many of you know, I grew up in the same part of Ottawa as Canadian Prime Minister and Rolling Stone Cover Boy, Justin Trudeau.
Although I was a few years older, our paths still crossed many times, and even if we’re far from good friends, we have an amicable, nodding relationship that has well positioned me to assist him and the Liberal party in the creation of a series of Justin Trudeau romance novellas.
What follows are excerpts from some of the books:
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Book Title: Never The Same Way Twice
His fame and internationally renowned good-looks made it hard for Justin to live the simple life he so often craved. Sure, he got a lot of satisfaction from being the most influential man on the planet, photobombing wedding shots and ministering to refugees, but what he really missed was just rocking out at concerts like an average Canadian, an average Canadian who was lucky to live in the second best country in the world, according to U.S. News & World Report.
But tonight, tonight Justin was going to let the world save itself.
Disguised as a relatively plain Canadian– but for his fantastically lithe and toned body– Justin was going to let loose at the big Blue Rodeo concert.
It had been a long time since he’d rock n’ rolled.
It’s funny how two lives might entwine, and little did Blue Rodeo super fan Brenna Macdonald know, as she took the number 95 OC Transpo bus in from Orleans to catch the show, that her life was about to be forever altered.
Book Title: A Song Of Ice And Fire And Good Governance
Sansa’s heart was racing, galloping so hard that she was sure he must hear it. He took her chin in his hands, his hands made so strong by all the beautiful planks he regularly executed, and raised her lips toward his. At that moment he ceased to be Justin Trudeau, the widower Prime Minister of Canada, the lost Parliamentary Democracy of Westeros and only hope in the battle against the White Walkers, the White Walkers who had taken his bride, and he became something else. He became a vessel of passion.
“Je veux faire un amour doux mais ferme envers vous, ma reine,” he said to her in his mystical language, as he pulled her to him.
She could feel his manhood pressing against her, his lips now so passionately, so respectfully, on hers, and her release was so great that Sansa felt as if she was marble melting under the light.
Book Title: For Love Of Country
It was the best Pride parade that Toronto had ever seen, and the joy of Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as he marched the streets– his white shirt soaking wet and clinging to his smooth body from all the water gun fights– was infectious. Sal, like everybody else, could not stop smiling as he watched from the crowded sidewalk. And then, as if a divine hand had ordained it, Justin’s eyes locked with his. The free-spirited and inclusive leader of a great nation beckoned for Sal to join him on the street, and immediately security parted the sea of people to make way for him. Sal, in a wheelchair and impotent since the mortar explosion in Kandahar, rolled out to him. The Prime Minister asked for permission, and then playfully sat on his lap and put his arm around him as they proceeded down Church Street and into a future neither one of them could have imagined.
R: My hockey game just ended and I should be there in about 10!
R: No fights.
R: There are never any fights.
R: Well, thank you, I guess.
R: I appreciate that you think I would be good in fight.
R: It’s one of the nicest things you’ve ever said to me.
R: Very romantic.
R: Oh, you got the best seat in the house!
R: Well done, Pickle!
R: Yes, your charm is considerable.
R: I bet the hostess didn’t stand a chance.
R: Those new sneakers really give you a lot of confidence, don’t they?
R: Imagine how you’d feel if you had a driver’s license and a job, too??
R: You’d be made of confidence! You’d probably take over a country or something!
R: I’m not being sarcastic.
R: I’m being cute, playful and funny.
R: Hockey doesn’t make me mean.
R: Oh, Pickle, you know I love you, and I do appreciate that you got there early and used your charm to get us the best table in the place.
R: Yes, you do have a commanding presence. It’s clear from the way that animals always obey you.
R: Our dog, for instance, she really listens!
R: And remember when the squirrel knocked you over and gave you a bloody nose when it stole a lozenge from you?
R: No? Well, you did hit your head pretty hard, it’s possible you got a concussion.
R: Yes, you just keep up with the online brain games and I’m sure you’ll be fine.
R: I know you skipped grade three, but honey, that was a very, very long time ago.
R: WHAT????
R: REALLY??? HOLY FUCK!!
R: For the love of Christ, DO NOT SAY A WORD TO HIM!!
R: I CANNOT BELIEVE JIM CUDDY IS IN THE RESTAURANT!! OMG!
R: NO!!! Do not tell him that you really admired his work in the Bare Naked Ladies!
R: You know damn well he was in Blue Rodeo.
R: But it’s true, I would be a bare naked lady for him!
R: How does he look?
R: Yes, it is interesting that you got the best seat in the house and not him. HOW DOES HE LOOK?
R: Oh, he’s wearing ugly sneakers, is he?
R: I still love him. I would love him in any weather.
R: Whatever you do, pleasepleaseplease don’t speak to him.
R: Please, promise me that.
R: Look, I’m allowed celebrity crushes.
R: I know you’ve been looking at the nudes of Jennifer Lawrence.
R: I know you say you’d never violate her and that it’s a sex crime to look at stolen photos, but your Internet history tells a different story.
R: Look, let’s cut the bullshit, just make sure I’m sitting where I have a clear sight line to him, I’ll be there in 30 seconds.
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