I was suprised to be contacted by Ontario Premier Doug Ford recently.

As many of you will remember, I was an old drinking buddy of his brother Rob, who was mayor of Toronto for a controversial stretch of time back a few years ago.

Rob and I attended Carleton University in Ottawa at the same time in the 80’s and it was there that we became drinking buddies at Rooster’s, the campus pub. We were never best friends or anything, but much later, when I moved to Toronto and we re-connected on Facebook, Rob would habitually open chats with me when he was drinking and looking to revive the “good, old days.” According to his brother, Rob truly valued what I had to say and as Doug put it, “If you were good enough for Robbie, you’re damn sure good enough for me!” and with that he offered me a job as a staff writer at his office. My first job has been to write some follow-up ads promoting that fact that Doug’s new government made good on their promise to make it legal for beer companies to lower the price of a beer—if they want to—from $1.25 to $1.00.

This is the script for my first ad:

( Doug Ford speaking to camera from his basement den )

“ I haven’t had a drink in over 25 years– not because I have any sort of problem. I don’t and I never did, and I will sue the bejesus out of anybody who says different.

Just try me. ( Two second pause)

No, I stopped because I’m disciplined. Good governance and fiscal restraint require discipline, a quality I learned as a shotputter and as the no-nonsense businessman who steered Deco Labels and Tags to be voted– by the readers of Etobicoke Style magazine– as one of the top three Label and Tag operations in all of the region.

For four years running.

We’re proud of that.

But none of this means I don’t remember what it was like to have a nice cold one. I do. And I remember how powerful it can make you feel. You and your crew, cruising the streets of the city looking to blow off some steam. Not looking for trouble, but sure as hell not afraid of it, either, and The Stones are blasting, maybe Street Fighting Man, and you’re all piled into your dad’s Beemer, roof down, and it feels so good. Oh, and all the ladies in their summer clothes? (Doug–make direct eye contact with then camera and then smile, teeth showing) Ah, the stories I could tell… (Doug– chuckle to self) Well, those were different times, I guess, but we felt like rowdy, young gods, and the Progressive Conservative Party of Ontario thinks everybody should be able to afford to have that feeling, too, which is why we’ve now made it possible for Ontarians– both men and women– to enjoy a 25 cent reduction in the price of a beer!

Government by the people, for the people.

I’m Doug Ford, and I’m your premier.”

( This is the first ad the Doug Ford ran before I got involved:

https://toronto.citynews.ca/video/2018/08/03/doug-ford-says-buck-a-beer-coming-by-labour-day/ )

I’m a big fan of the Proust Questionnaire that runs in Vanity Fair each month, and I was wondering if you’d answer one of the questions for me. What do you consider the most overrated virtue?

Christopher Alexander

Dear Mr. Alexander:

This one is easy.

Confidence.

Only assholes are confident. At a certain point in your life, likely when you yourself were an asshole but only suspected rather than knew it (think your 20s), confidence probably seemed like the cardinal virtue. It was the one thing you truly wanted to have, what you hoped beamed out of your eyes like James Bond sex lasers.

For most, confidence is just another manifestation of bullying. It lacks generosity and usually ends up being a self-referential imposition thrust upon the unwelcoming– like an unbidden boner at a dance class.

Don’t get me wrong, self-assurance is good, it’s inward, but confidence needs an audience, and that audience has to be subordinate. The gift of intelligence, for instance, is to help all those around you feel smarter about themselves, not stupider. The confident person, the one so determined to lead, to write the year’s most decorated novel, get a prestigious teaching position and then marry a headstrong and winsome PhD candidate from old money, all the while snickering at the small humourists working on the margins, never sees this. The confident person wants to win, and there can be no winning unless there is also losing. They solve your problems quickly, mathematically, rather than talk to you about them. They wear sunglasses at stupid times. They are crippled and broken inside and you should throw rocks at their BMWs, for that is always, always, their car of choice.

And the holy ones who ride bicycles are even worse.

Please send all letters to Bitter Writer to mm@michaelmurray.ca or post in the comments section of this page.