These are the texts messages I sent my wife in a recent conversation:
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Me: Just watered my plant.
Me: No.
Me: No, you’re wrong. The plant is doing great.
Me: I’m really going to look after it.
Me: I am going to be a money tree ninja.
Me: One hundred dollar bills are going to be growing on that fucker!
Me: And each bill will blossom into the exact change for the laundry!
Me: Really?
Me: Well, why do they call it a money tree if it doesn’t grow money?
Me: Marketing?
Me: The fuckers.
Me: Fake news is everywhere! It’s getting hard to know how to navigate this world!
Me: Oh, you think a job would help?
Me: You’d be wrong! Just like you are about my plant’s chances for survival!
Me: It’s way better than 15%!
Me: That plant has at least a 50-50 shot. Easily.
Me: I bought a spray bottle for that plant! It’s getting the five star Murray treatment!
Me: That’s what you’re worried about. Ha-ha.
Me: So very clever.
Me: But listen, not everybody needs a job in order to be fulfilled.
Me: Criminals, for instance.
Me: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I guess they do make license plates and stuff.
Me: Okay.
Me: Deer.
Me: Deer don’t have jobs. They don’t even respect the law, man!
Me: Crush the system!
Me: Look, I will eventually get a job.
Me: I will.
Me: I just need to finish the designs for my cryptozoology tarot cards and then I can open up shop and start reading fortunes!!
Me: I was told I could set up a table at Snakes and Lattes.
Me: Well, yes.
Me: I would have to pay a small rental, but that would come out of my fantasy baseball investment portfolio.
Me: Are you serious???
Me: Really???
Me: Fuck!
Me: I can’t believe somebody else already came up with the idea for cryptozoology tarot cards!
Me: Damn it!
Me: I was really looking forward to going on Dragon’s Den, too.
Me: Oh well, back to the drawing board! Fall six times, get up seven, that’s my motto.
Me: “More like fall six million times?”
Me: Good one, Petal.
Me: It’s true, you are a very funny and talented woman who doesn’t drink too much!
Me: No, I don’t know what you’re doing with me either.
Me: Really does seem an uneven match.
Me: Jones?
Me: Yeah, I think he’s around somewhere.
Me: Oh there he is! Standing up on the wobbly chair right by the window and a bunch of dangerous ledges!
Me: He’s fine, having some quality dad time!
Me: Oh you and your elite mothering!
Me: Fine!
Me: He’s down now, playing with a little brown ball on the floor.
Me: Oh.
Me: It’s actually a peeled apple.
Me: Gross.
Me: Listen I’m going to tell you something.
Me: When he hides, I ALWAYS see him.
Me: He’s just not as smart as he thinks he is.
Me: Fine.
Me: Fine. I will perpetuate the peek-a-boo myth if you insist, and throw out the dirt apple, but I am sure as hell not going back to that job at the Box Factory!
Me: Okay, see you at 5:30! xox
]]>TheBoxFactory: Not only is a box an excellent and unexpected Christmas gift, but it’s also what you put the gift in! #Boxenthusiasts
TheBoxFactory: A Christmas box classic! http://ow.ly/rNgZg
TheBoxFactory: Are you getting excited to find out what Santa has in his box for you?
TheBoxFactory: It is important for Box Factory workers to show up on time for their shifts.
TheBoxFactory: The Ultimate Box: The Box To End All Boxes (as featured in The Hobbit). Don’t forget to add this to your Christmas list! #Boxenthusiasts
TheBoxFactory: Employees of The Box Factory, don’t forget the office Christmas party on Dec. 14!
TheBoxFactory: The fridge in the staff kitchen is disgusting. People need to clean out their own rotting food!!!
TheBoxFactory: This fridge needs to be clean by December 14th!
TheBoxFactory: Life in not like a jar of chocolates, it’s like a BOX of chocolates!! http://ow.ly/rNhxD
TheBoxFactory: Appreciate the excellent work on the fridge! Looks like things will be good to go for our big party tomorrow!! Remember, potluck.
TheBoxFactory: We make the best boxes.
TheBoxFactory: Christmas party tonight!! BYOB!! (Bring your own box! LOL!)
TheBoxFactory: I will be bringing a bucket (I mean box!) of KFC! #MichaelMurrayPartyCentral
TheBoxFactory: Am very disappointed to hear that Manuel will be doing the music tonight. It’s going to be a Christian rock kind of Christmas party. Barf.
TheBoxFactory: Party starts at 5:00 sharp!
TheBoxFactory: The first song that Manuel played was about Jesus and sung by white people. Nobody dancing. Way to go, Manny.
TheBoxFactory: Manuel is a loser who makes shitty boxes.
TheBoxFactory: And wears stupid sweaters.#ReasonsToHateManny
TheBoxFactory: Janice and Sandro just snuck off behind the SBM 86.
TheBoxFactory: I think they’re gonna do it again just like last year.
TheBoxFactory: If you hear somebody yell, “Mother of dragons,” you know that Janice and Sandro are breaking company policy and “God’s law.” #ThingsMannyWouldSay
TheBoxFactory: As a reminder: Company Policy: 9:42: The Box Factory prohibits a dating/sexual relationship between one employee and any other, be they full, part-time or temporary, other than his or her spouse.
TheBoxFactory: If I was DJ this is what would be playing: http://ow.ly/rOA9b #fun
TheBoxFactory: Getting nice buzz on.
TheBoxFactory: Didn’t think I could beat Jelena at arm wrestling, but there you have it!!!
TheBoxFactory: Best party ever. I love you Boxonians!
TheBoxFactory: If anybody wants some dope, Marvin is in the parking lot by the loading bay.
TheBoxFactory: Good shit.
TheBoxFactory: Also, potato salad tastes really weird. Might contain some weird ethnic spice. Be warned!!
(The second half of the party Tweets will appear later)
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