In talking to a doctor about this, it was suggested that I try Mindful Meditation as a way to help ground this impulse, the idea being that I’d learn to live more attentively in the moment and bring some stillness to my life. I should state that that I am the opposite of a Mindful person, by which I mean I barely exist in the moment, possessing an analytic mind that almost exclusively inhabits the future or past, and that slowing down and not thinking—just “being”–is virtually impossible for me.
Before the classes began, I had an orientation session. The waiting room had rugs on the wall, constantly flowing water, plants and little statues of Buddha all over the place, emitting an aggressively, “mindfully” organic ambience. The woman who walked out her office to greet me had a creepy tranquility beaming from her eyes and looked at me with unnerving sincerity. She spoke in an even, robotic voice that never varied. It was creepy, like Nurse Ratched, and it made me nervous, and the more she talked in this manner, the more anxious, almost angry, I felt myself becoming.
Her: What are you doing?
Me: (Hastily putting away my iPhone.) Not being Mindful?
Her: What would a Mindful person be doing?
Me: Experiencing the fabric of the chair I’m sitting on?
Her: That’s good Michael, now follow me.
Me: You know, the music in the waiting room surprises me.
Her: That’s interesting, Michael. What is it about the music that causes you such anxiety?
Me: Well, it doesn’t make me anxious, it was just something I noticed.
Her: (Silently staring back at me, waiting for elaboration.)
Me: With the whole Buddhist thing going on here, all the fountains and enforced serenity, I did not expect AM radio to be playing.
Her: I see. What did you expect?
Me: Maybe Brian Eno, some gentle, distant gongs, perhaps, but certainly not somebody excitedly trying to sell me cars, you know?
Her: Have you started your Happiness Jar?
Me: No, I forgot. I’ve been really busy.
Her: You haven’t been Mindful.
Me: No.
Her; I want you to think of something you’re happy for, write it down on a piece of paper and put it in your Happiness Jar when you get home, okay? Michael, tell me, what are you happy for?
Me: My iPhone.
Her: How about this blue, shining day, this day that just is, are you happy for that?
Me: (An angry sigh, and words now tense) Yes. I am happy for this blue, shining day, dammit.
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Uma Thurman
June 2, 2010
9:48 pm
Uma, it’s former president George W. Bush here. I hope you don’t mind, but I got your number from secret service. I’m very young for an ex-president and still very powerful, you know. I wanted to let you know that I’ve always been a big fan of your work, ever since that film with the French title. What was it called? It starred Michelle Pfeiffer and everybody was hoping she was going to take her clothes off, but instead, you peeled off your top, and Holy Smoke! I think you acted a boner out of an entire generation! But Hell, you’ve been great in every movie since, especially all those Kill Bill ones. I want you to know that even though Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour, I’ve become very interested in Buddhism and was wondering if you’d like to get together for a drink to discuss it sometime.
Laura Bush
June 7, 2010
10:48 am
Laura, it’s me and I’m at a stupid-ass meeting in Chicago. The guy doing all the talking has a head that reminds me of a potato. I had the dream again last night.
Owl Research Institute
June 12, 2010
2:46 pm
Yeah, it’s George W. Bush here and I had a few questions for you folks about owls. I thought I saw one in my backyard yesterday. Is it true that they can turn their heads around in a complete circle? Will they eat dogs? Is it bad luck to shoot one, and if so, what prayer works best to cast one off your property?
Harold Atkins
June 12, 2010
2:52 pm
Harry, yeah, it’s W. Look, I wanted to discuss the possibility of making a trade in our fantasy baseball league. My pitching is fucked and I could really use a starter. I could maybe give you Cruz for Grienke. Cruz is hitting a ton, a guy with hair on his ass. He’s gonna knock 50 out this year.
Dr. Jeffrey Kuhlman
June 18, 2010
9:17 am
It’s George here and I’m nearly out of my stress pills. Call me.
Laura Bush
June 21, 2010
3:48 pm
It’s me. Jesus, most boring meeting ever. All I could think about during the blabberfest was that guy who’s obsessed with becoming a mermaid. Saw him on a talk show the other day and sweet Jesus, he just gives me the creeps.
Uma Thurman
June 22, 2010
12:27 am
Uma, thanks for making time for me earlier to chat about Buddhism. I did not know that there were Four Noble Truths. Something to chew on, that. I figure I’ve been looking for The Dhamma my entire life, probably why I bombed Iraq. Would love to see you again soon. Your hair looked really pretty.
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