As many of you know, Rob Ford and I were enrolled at Carleton University in Ottawa at the same time, and it was there where we became last call drinking buddies. Over the years we’ve stayed in contact– usually messaging one another late at night when partying alone–and I’ve been lucky enough to have Rob write some letters for my family and I.
On behalf of my uncle, who was frustrated by his golf club’s new policy that forbid members from feeding any wildlife (squirrels) on the course:
To Whom it May Concern:
Cripes! What’s the harm in tossing a squirrel a bit of your hot dog bun?! A squirrel’s weight is a squirrel’s own goddamn business (LOL!!). What are you, a Soviet golf club? Do you make everybody use the same clubs, too, just to even the playing field so that a man of ambition and means is crippled? I tell you, its a disgusting example of over-governance, is what it is, and if somebody, like Lester Murray, wants to buy a hot dog he should be able to do anything he wants with that damn hot dog, including feeding it to a squirrel!
If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call my AM radio show directly.
Yours Truly,
Rob Ford
On behalf of my wife, who was unable to get on the recreational league ice hockey team that she wanted:
To Whom It May Concern:
This is Toronto Mayor Rob Ford here.
If Rachelle Maynard is not a first-liner on the Annex Assassins for the winter league of 2014, I will shut down Bill Bolton arena and fire all the assholes that work there. Make no mistake, I will do it–closing stuff gives me a hard on.
If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call my AM radio show directly.
Yours Truly,
Rob Ford
On my behalf, as a reference for a job I was applying for at Riverdale Farms.
To Whom it May Concern:
I have known Michael Murray for nearly 25 years, and never in my life have I seen a man who is better with animals. Did you know that he once rescued a baby pigeon and then fed the thing frozen peas– one at a goddamn time– every four hours until it died of natural causes? He did. Jesus damn Christ, he did. I still get weepy just thinking about it.
If you have any questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to call my AM radio show directly.
Yours Truly,
Rob Ford
PS: Just a reminder, municipal funding for Riverdale Farms is coming up for review next year.
]]>It was here, at a pub called Roosters, where we became last-call drinking acquaintances. Ever since that time we’ve maintained sporadic contact, usually in the form of late-night messaging whenever one of us is drunk and alone, but recently, as Ford’s problems have escalated he’s asked me to take on a more strategic role in the maintenance of his public image.
I just want to let everybody know that although I’m not a political or even personal supporter of Rob Ford, I do have some sympathy for him, which is why I help out. I grew up around guys like him, boys who came from wealthy families but preferred sports to school. They liked to party, mostly, and as the years advanced a kind of self-loathing typically settled in right next to their sense of entitlement. Pressured by family toward a measured, presentable career they never wanted, these men hated the pretenses and expectations of the rarified culture from which they were bred, and soon enough felt victimized and angry. As if having tumbled from their family homes up on the hill, I would see them at last-call in marginal bars, places where their peers would never dream to inhabit, places where predictably being able to pay for your own drinks was sufficient to earn you a kind of social capital. Rob Ford is one of these men. He’s a guy who should have become a gym teacher, but propelled by an instinctive fury and a certainty of both his victimization and superiority, he’s lurched swinging into a job for which he’s completely over-matched.
It’s the sort of thing that simply can’t end well.
As the story of the video of Ford allegedly smoking crack cocaine was detonating the news cycle, I got this message from Ford:
MUR:
THE FUCKING SHIT IS HITTING THE FUCKING SHIT FAN!! THERE’S SHIT EVERYWHERE!!! IT’S SHIT STORM CENTRAL!! THE FAKE VIDEO OF ME NOT SMOKING CRACK IN LITTLE SOMALILAND WITH 5-STAR AND CHICKEN WING HAS TO BE DESTROYED. WE NEED TO BUY IT BEFORE THE SHITSTARTER ASSEHOLES DO! IT’S THIRD AND LONG!! GIVE ME A PLAN, LITTLE BUDDY, YOUR BRAIN IS LIKE A RUNNING BACK!!
ROBBER
Slobber:
This is what we do.
Remember that guy who used the Internet to trade up from a paper clip to a house? Well, we do the same thing. We’ll create a shell, a grassroots organization that just wants to see the people who report crimes punished rather than those who commit them. We will call it CITIZENS UNITED AGAINST BLACKMAIL, and we refer to ourselves as Cubs For(d) Justice.
The first item we put up is a Rob Ford fridge magnet, just like the ones you were running around putting on cars in a parking lot, when you weren’t high on coke, while that meeting you were supposed to be attending was taking place.
As the drug dealers you don’t know want $200,000 and to move to Calgary, I say our end game is to trade them an expensive home in Calgary for the video you’re not in.
I see the trading (which we will manipulate through CUAB) breaking down in this way:
Rob Ford Fridge Magnet = Hamster = Crack Pipe = Don Bosco Football Helmet (Collector’s edition) = A Vaporizer = Mobility Scooter (you still have the one from the cottage, right?) = Weekend In Niagara Falls= Probable Sex date With Toronto Argonaut Cheerleader= Seat on Toronto City Council = Senate Appointment = $450,00 Home In Calgary With Rental Unit in Basement That Is Near To Inadequately Defended Drug Territory.
We will then trade the house for the crack tape that doesn’t exist, snookering the media elite and winning one for the little guy.
This is the link to the post I have created on Craig’s List:
http://toronto.en.craigslist.ca/tor/bar/3818830265.html
]]>Based on the old New York Times Photo series, What They Were Thinking, I came up with an idea to post the unflattering picture of Ford before it made a splash, and have the Mayor, in his own words, tell the public exactly what he was thinking the moment the photograph was snapped. This way, we would be ahead of the envelope and we could see the inner, vulnerable Mayor.
This photograph, taken late Thursday night at a CJPAC event, shows the Mayor kindly posing for a photograph with a fan.
What The Mayor Was Thinking:
“Well, it was International Woman’s Day, so I was thinking about all the amazing contributions women have made to the world. If it weren’t for women, I don’t think that there would be any cookies, babies, or lingerie football, and I bet Cute Overload would have tanked. There’s tons of other stuff, too, and I was thinking about that, also. I mean, women have written books and starred in movies, there have even been lady Mayors! It’s amazing, when you think about it, and I was considering all of it, the sorts of make-out music they like and how they’re scared of spiders. I was really feeling the lady vibe right then. Like, the way that they smell, the way they feel, and the way that their voices are higher and softer than your own—it’s just so cool. You know, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Aniston, The Kardashians, Jennifer Lawrence, Pamela Anderson, hell, even Lindsay Lohan, and Scarlett Johansson, yeah, her big time…The list just goes on and on. Women are fucking awesome, and I really like it when they’re around, especially when I’m feeling a little lonely, and believe me, even a big, cool Mayor like me gets lonely from time to time.”
*Late on Thursday night while at a CJPAC event, Sarah Thomson, a former candidate for Mayor, posted the photograph of Rob and her at the function, stating that he said she should have been in Florida with him last week because his wife wasn’t there and then grabbed her ass.
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“In this picture I was thinking about the colour of the car, how it was like the bottom of one of those above-ground swimming pools that the poor people put up in their backyards. I grew up with a real pool. We were rich. Pools are a good way of excluding people and creating pecking orders. The football guys liked to hangout at our pool, but without the pool, who knows? I was also wondering about all the sex that took place in that car. A lot, I bet.
“ In this photograph I was thinking about what it would feel like to shoot a monkey, the Ikea Monkey in particular. What was his name? Genesis? Something stupid. Anyway, ever since that monkey became a big media story I’ve been having fantasies about shooting it. Not sure why. It might be the little, gay coat that bugs me. It’s not natural that a boy monkey is dressed that way. “
“ Blow Jobs and the way that pets look at you funny when you’re having sex.”
“I don’t want to sound vain because I’m a man of the people, but I was thinking that I look good in hats. A lot of people say that you can measure a politician’s success by how natural and at ease he looks in different hats. (Don’t know what the policy is for chicks). I think a lot of my political success has to do with my ability to look good in a hat.
“ I probably should have been thinking about the owl, but I was deep in thought right there considering the works of Roman poet and philosopher Lucretious and his views on Epicurean principles and Atomism. I think that a lot of people misunderstand hedonism and I was trying to untangle that philosophical quandary and than suddenly I was like, “Oh fuck, an owl!”
Scandal Scenario #1
A sex tape purported to feature Mayor Ford, his brother Councilor Doug Ford and an unknown prostitute has been circulating the Internet. The Mayor’s office wants to assure everybody that this is a hoax perpetuated by the left wing media in an effort to subvert the democratic process and defame hard working civic officials. The faces of the men in the videotape are not visible, as they are concealed by football helmets, and Rob Ford’s famous third nipple is nowhere in sight. It should also be noted that Rob and Doug are very common names, and the fact that they are repeatedly bellowed throughout the video in no way links the Ford brothers to this robust threesome.
Scandal Scenario #2
What the left-wing media has been describing as a Japanese Sex Doll– that Mayor Ford has been seen hauling in and out of his Escalade over the last week– is in fact a Football Tackling Dummy.
Although it certainly has some feminine features, this in no way describes a sexist or degrading attitude toward women. Far from it. In fact, Mayor Ford has been using the Tackling Dummy as an instructional prop in order to help educate his football players in sexual harassment protocols and in the proper treatment of cheerleaders.
Scandal Scenario #3
Mayor Ford, while generously playing Santa Claus at a Dufferin Mall charity event, did not ask a child present if there was black Santa Claus, too, as the left-wing media has been reporting. The boy who cited this story, Abdul Azeem Kazi, is clearly a Muslim and obviously does not believe in Santa Claus. There is just no way he would have been telling Santa what he wanted for Christmas. We have strong reason to suspect that this boy was working for the Toronto Star and that his parent’s are in the country illegally. Stop the gravy train!
Scandal Scenario #4
Although the Mayor tried cocaine back in his youth in the 80’s, he has not knowingly used it in a freebase situation in quite a stretch. The Mayor regrets his youthful experiments (there was no sexual experimentation) with drugs, and hopes for a speedy conclusion to the NHL hockey lockout.
As some of you may know, Rob Ford was enrolled at Carleton University in Ottawa back in the 1980’s and he and I used to be last-call regulars at the same bar. We haven’t seen one another in 20 years and have never had a sober conversation, but we were drinking buddies and as such continue to have short, on-line chats whenever one of us is drinking alone.
On Friday morning at 1:39, I got this message from Rob:
Rob: Hey Mur, you catch the Olympics?
Me: Slobber! It was a Bronze Bonanza for Canada, my man!!
Rob: How ‘bout that Udon Bolt guy, eh? The night before he won all the races he did three chicks from the Swedish handjob, I mean handball team! What a stud!!
Me: Usain Bolt, he should be the new James Bond.
Rob: Yeah, that lightning Bolt guy. If I were in his position I’d do some of the lady divers. It turns my crank when they’re all wet and then shower and go into that hot tub together. Love to party with them, man. SHOOTERS!!!
Me: SHOOTERS!!!!
Rob: asadafsdafdpaaaaf9as9d0as
Me: ????
Rob: Fucken cat just walked over the laptop.
Me: Oh.
Rob: I wana get a big dog, call him Flat Screen, but the wife won’t let me. Says I’ll never take him for a walk.
Me: You wouldn’t.
Rob: HAHAAHAHAHAHA! Ain’t it the truth!
Rob: Mur, I tell ya, I just can’t root for Canada during the Olympics. They’re losers. It’s the USA for me, just respect the way they go about stuff, you know? Look at the way they handle war, football, cars, food and stuff. They got it going on. And Jennifer Aniston, too!!!
Me: She’s always been your special friend.
Rob: BOURBON!!!
Me: Bourbon shooters for all!!
Rob: And US cars rule! I got a new ride, an Escalade.
Me: The Escalade, that’s what all the rappers sing about, right?
Rob: You know it, little brother. Big shit storm up in Toronto about my ride.
Me: What happened?
Rob: Some fart hole took a picture of me reading while driving down the Expressway. Wasn’t even breaking 100! Now all the green-freaks are on my ass. They can kiss MY ASS!! HAAAHAAHAH!!
Me: I hear you, Slobber.
Rob: Goddamn Escalade drives itself—you don’t need to be paying attention. Things a tank! Couldn’t hurt myself if I tried!
Me: What music do you listen when you’re driving?
Rob: RATT. They really clear the brainpan. Psyche’s me up for the day.
Me: Cool. Did you see the Spice Girls at the closing ceremonies for the Olympics? Still looked pretty good, eh?
Rob: Oh Yeah! Ginger for me, man. And Posh. And Scary. And the other one, Baby, they can all hop in the hot tub with me and the diver girls!!! SPLISHSSSPLASHSPLISHSPLASSH!! But not Sporty, she’s like a dude.
]]>Back in January he launched a public campaign called The Cut The Waist Challenge, where he pledged to lose 50 of his 330 pounds in five months. It was a campy circus, this, with the mayor having public weigh-ins (sometimes with girls in lettuce bikinis!) each week and TV stations reporting on it as if it was a sports event. However, after a period of time the mayor stopped showing up for the weigh-ins, and then gave up on the entire project about month before it was to end.
You should know that I used to drink with Rob Ford back when he was a student at Carleton University in Ottawa. We were both last call regulars at a local bar and we became friendly in the way that only barflies bound by drinking can. The truth is that I don’t think we ever had a sober conversation, but we bonded through this somehow, and even though we haven’t seen one another in over 15 years, we still text one another when drinking alone. A kind of nostalgia, I guess.
I hadn’t heard from Rob in quite a long time, but on Friday, at 1:45 in the morning, he sent me a text.
Mayor Ford: Mur? You thare?
Me: SLOBBER!!!
Mayor Ford: Cowabangle, dude!
Me: How’s it hanging, captain?
Mayor Ford: Straight and strong, straight and srtong!
Me: What up, big dog?
Mayor Ford: Just watched Along Came Polly. Would totally do Jennifer Aniston!!!
Me: She’d be a lucky woman.
Mayor Ford: I’d be her fucking friend, if you know what I mean.
Me: You’d be a glamour couple, like the goddamn Kennedy’s!
Mayor Ford: I wonder what she smells like????
Me: Suntan lotion and misspent money?
Mayor Ford: Ha! She smells like big government! Let me tel u, I would cut the hell out of her deficit!
Me: Wacha drinking?
Mayor Ford: Gin, lotto gin tonight. On the patio throwing ashtrays at squirrels. You?
Me: Playing Angry Birds and drinking rum. I miss the old days, Slobber!
Mayor Ford: Me2, little buddy, me2.
Me: ME2 sounds like a robot in a movie! Saw the Avengers the other day. Awesome!
Mayor Ford: 3-D rules. I completely fucking relate to the Hulk! He my man!!
Me: Puny humans bother Hulk! Hulk smash!
Mayor Ford: SMASH!!SMASH!!SMASH!!
Me: Hey, how’s the weight-loss thing going?
Mayor Ford: SMASH!!SMASH!!SMASH!!
Me: Not so well?
Mayor Ford: SMASH!!SMASH!!SMASH!!
Mayor Ford: You know what my favourite part of the Avengers was?
Me: The smashing?
Mayor Ford: Yeah and Scarlett Johansson’s ass. Love the 3ddee.
Me: Aniston or Johansson?
Mayor Ford: BOTH!!! HAHAAHAHAHA!
Mayor Ford: Fuck, I love gin.
Me: Still get high?
Mayor Ford: Does a bull shit in a chinashop?
Me: Why’d you quit the weight-loss challenge?
Mayor Ford: Barbeque Season. Pulled fucking Pork.
Me: What about austerity measures?
Mayor Ford: Barbeque season ain’t no time for austerity measures!
Mayor Ford: Go Argos!!
Me: YOU THE MAN!
Mayor Ford: Lead, follow or get under the doggamn bus!
Mayor Ford: HULK SMASH BUS!!
Me: Testify!
Mayor Ford: I think globarl warming is real. GEts hotter all thetime. Love ya little buddy! Dizzy bedtime.
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