(https://twitter.com/HeerJeet/status/529749811906764804 )

Impressed by his work and his form, I have also been experimenting with the Twitter Essay:

1. Okay, let’s talk about Art Garfunkel.
2. He was part of the influential 60’s duo Simon and Garfunkel who were responsible for so many classic hits.
3. He had crazy hair that reminded me of big bird.
4. Nobody thought he had any talent.
5. I don’t think he wrote any songs, he just sang in that high voice.
6. Does anybody out there know if he wrote any songs?
7. No?
8. Nobody knows?
9. Okay.
10. So, he probably didn’t write any songs, he just looked weird and sang like a woman.
11. That was enough. It was the 60’s.
12. I wonder if he got a lot of groupies?
13. Does anybody know? Did anybody out there sleep with Art Garfunkel?
14. No one willing to admit?
15. Fair enough
16. Does anybody else think Art Garfunkel looks like Rex Murphy?

17. Look at this picture:

18. Now look at this picture:

19. DEAD. FUCKING. RINGERS.

20. I hate Rex Murphy.

21. He talks like Russell Brand writes, and he’s always crabby.

22. CBC should fire him.

23. Truth be told, CBC should just clear the decks and fire everybody.

24. Art Garfunkel turns 73 today.

25. He’s a Scorpio, the sign characterized by being stubborn and insensitive.

26. I had a girlfriend who was a Scorpio.

27. We met on Lavalife.

28. Here’s a picture, she’s the one with the nice smile and headband:

29. She broke up with me that day because I wouldn’t do the nude bicycle run.

30. Didn’t care about my physical insecurities, she just insisted it was a way for me to get over them.

31. I’ve had surgeries and am embarrassed by my scars, okay??

32. I don’t want to ride around naked on a fucking bike!

33. She’s the VP of bank now.

34. Art Garfunkel was an actor for a while.

35. Whenever you saw that he was going to be a guest star, like on the Rockford Files or something…

36. You knew it was going to be a good one to miss.

37. James Garner was a real actor.

38. He was a class act.

39. Just look at him!

40.What a man!

41. Art Garfunkel was the son of a traveling salesman.

42. Well, now is probably a good time to wrap up.

43. In sum, Art Garfunkel’s impact on popular culture has been negligible and certainly subordinate to Paul Simon and James Garner.

*I will post this on Storify for those who wish to save a copy for future reference.

August 15, 2014

Dear J-Law:

It’s me, Michael Murray again, just writing you a quick note to wish you a most excellent and happy birthday! It must feel incredible to be just turning 24, having already won an Academy Award and been nominated for a few others, all the while being utterly adored by absolutely everybody on the planet, including the Chinese, who are known to be cautious with their affection.

Chinese people never seem to like me. I don’t know why but I’m starting to think it might be because I’m really good at ping-pong and that they’re just a really insecure people. Any thoughts?

I would like to play ping-pong with you- we’d be a great match! ( I am gifted at puns)

At any rate, I have to say, I’d really like to feel incredible like you must feel all the time. It must be pretty cool, that feeling. Sometimes I feel depressed. Like right now, as I think about the insecure Chinese and how they hate me, I’m also realizing that I’m old enough to be your father! Funny, that, because it really feels like there’s great chemistry between us. If we starred in a movie together I think we’d become the next great couple.

Jennichael.

Do you know what helps depression? Touching. If you were to touch me I would feel less depressed. It’s a medical fact. It’s called Touch Therapy.

There’s also Sensual Touch Therapy for the people who really care.

It was a real shame about Robin Williams, don’t you think?

Anyway, I don’t want to be a drag on your big day, my depression isn’t that bad! I only get down because I’m sensitive and feel life more than most people! I just wanted to give you a big shout-out and wish you an incredible birthday full of much happiness, health, joy and success, and to let you know that Touch Therapy really works. It does, it saves lives. You are beautiful, staggeringly beautiful, and I bet you have cool, soft hands that smell like poems.

I would love to hang with you if you’re in Toronto for the Film Festival next month!

Michael Murray

PS: Bradley Cooper (pretentious name) is much older than you. Did you sleep with him when you made Silver Lining Playbook? I have seen that movie 24 times, once for every year you’ve been alive.

Monica Lewinsky 40:

Dear Monica:

I just want to say that it’s amazing and impressive that you’ve lived this long. I think everybody in the media was sure you’d die in a self-loathing pit of drugs, despair and faded memories, but no! You took up knitting! That is completely awesome, and I wish more borderline celebrity types would do this. MC Hammer? He should be knitting. Anyway, I just wanted to wish you a most excellent and happy 40^th and continued success in living an anonymous and not disastrously adjusted life! You’re doing great!

Lynda Carter 62

Dear Lynda:

You probably know what you meant to me when I was a boy growing up, so I won’t get into that here. But sweet Jesus, you were hot. My friend Ian used to hump the TV when your show Wonder Woman came on. Can you imagine that? I tell you, young boys will put their dicks on anything. Sorry, maybe I shouldn’t have written that to you, it’s kind of gross, I guess. But I don’t know, maybe it makes you feel kind of proud, too? You are getting old, after all. I don’t mind admitting that women, even Wonder Women (LOL) have always confused me. Anyway, you’re beautiful on the inside and out, and all of us are very proud of you for being a spokesperson for Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I’m on a gluten-free diet, myself. Happy birthday!!

Kevin Spacey 53

Dear Kevin:

I have to say, and you’re now old enough to hear it, you’re a VERY over-rated actor. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a happy birthday, you should, but you just need to stop hamming it up so much.

Elisabeth Moss 31

Dear Elisabeth:

I just want you to know that I think that Peggy Olson, your character on Mad Men, is made of steel. She takes no shit!! I mean, it’s a man’s world where she works, but Peggy stands up for herself, changes with the times and learns how to dress! It’s awesome. How does it feel to have your own doll? Pretty cool, I bet. I’d like to have my own action figure. He’d be playing table tennis. Do you know Jennifer Lawrence? Happy birthday!

Selena Gomez 21

Dear Selena:

You know what’s weird? It’s weird that on your birthday I was riding my bicycle by a fancy hotel in Toronto that was being swarmed by gitchy teen girls in really short shorts all waiting to see Justin Bieber, the guy you dumped. What a bunch of losers! Like you, I’m not a Belieber, and you know what? I’m old enough to be your father but still find you really sexy! Funny, eh? Happy birthday, Selena, may your 20s be wild, unpredictable and very experimental!