Q: Obviously commoners are not allowed to touch Royalty on account of our divine lineage. Sadly, many of the “people” are now ignorant of this and the protocol is often broken, but only at behest of the Royal, who may deem to shake a hand or pose with a commoner’s pet. However, recently, a nouveau riche commoner completely shattered protocol by putting his big, powerful, black arm around me. He was a large commoner, good stock, and covered in the intoxicating musk of the peasant, I felt so small and vulnerable yet protected within his embrace! I have to say, it stirred certain feelings and they’re scary! What should I do?
Confused Kate
Dear Confused:
Many Royals harbour secret desires to go “slumming,” and you shouldn’t be alarmed that this commoner has stirred such feelings in you. However, you must remember that serving your country is of cardinal importance, and that nothing, not even a new and thrilling lust, should get in the way of this holy duty! You must not let the public face of the Royal Family slip!!!
However, you should keep in mind that for millennia Royals have been fulfilling this need for “slumming” by indulging their fetishes in private, behind castle walls, using slaves, concubines and prostitutes. You have a vast and excellent staff working beneath you, utilize them! They will be only too happy to earn a shadow of your gratitude by corralling the vulnerable and desperate to serve as playthings for you! Don’t get hung-up on this one peasant, remember, they’re in limitless supply and completely disposable!
Q: Imagine that a great King was put in a situation where he had to impose a law on his people to prohibit sex for all between the ages of 9 and 18 in an attempt to quell the AIDS pandemic. It would be a wise and just law, no? The King loves his children and wishes to protect them! Imagine then, that this great King, much loved by his people, had 25 wives, and legions of “liphovela,” all trying to become pregnant by the great King in order to prove their fertility and become one of his official brides. If one of them was selected, as is the custom, during the topless virgin reed dance, and she was between the ages of 9 and 18, would the great King then be in conflict of interest?
Great King
Dear Great King:
You are not only above the law, you are the law, so the short answer to your question is a resounding NO! However, it is important for a great ruler to keep harmony amongst his people, lest they rebel, and so I would respectfully suggest that you compensate the family of this particular liphovela with a token bought from your great wealth, which must certainly be in excess of 200 million, such as a cow, cell phone or Nutribullet. Easy-Peasy!
]]>I wanted to stop, too, just to see more than help I think, but obviously we’d only be getting in the way, and so we proceeded slowly past, reverently bearing witness. The tone in the car was suddenly very different, the music playing now all wrong, an insult. We drove by the other vehicle involved in the accident (the mathematics of the crash mysterious and vast) and saw a young man, just as white as the moon, wide-eyed and breathing hard. The blanket wrapped around his shoulders gave him an oddly spectral appearance, and his friends stood around him as if surrounding a miracle– frightened to either be present or to step outside of the moment.
They were all so young.
This accident was just an arbitrary swoosh, something that could have happened to anybody or nobody with equal measure. And the day itself was so vivid and beautiful— surrounding us like an indifferent God, emitting an inexhaustible palette of autumn colour and sun that so clearly, so urgently required our attention and investment. It was such an odd transit that all we could do was give quiet thanks as we passed through, grateful and lucky to have home still waiting.
Uma Thurman
June 2, 2010
9:48 pm
Uma, it’s former president George W. Bush here. I hope you don’t mind, but I got your number from secret service. I’m very young for an ex-president and still very powerful, you know. I wanted to let you know that I’ve always been a big fan of your work, ever since that film with the French title. What was it called? It starred Michelle Pfeiffer and everybody was hoping she was going to take her clothes off, but instead, you peeled off your top, and Holy Smoke! I think you acted a boner out of an entire generation! But Hell, you’ve been great in every movie since, especially all those Kill Bill ones. I want you to know that even though Jesus Christ is my Lord and Saviour, I’ve become very interested in Buddhism and was wondering if you’d like to get together for a drink to discuss it sometime.
Laura Bush
June 7, 2010
10:48 am
Laura, it’s me and I’m at a stupid-ass meeting in Chicago. The guy doing all the talking has a head that reminds me of a potato. I had the dream again last night.
Owl Research Institute
June 12, 2010
2:46 pm
Yeah, it’s George W. Bush here and I had a few questions for you folks about owls. I thought I saw one in my backyard yesterday. Is it true that they can turn their heads around in a complete circle? Will they eat dogs? Is it bad luck to shoot one, and if so, what prayer works best to cast one off your property?
Harold Atkins
June 12, 2010
2:52 pm
Harry, yeah, it’s W. Look, I wanted to discuss the possibility of making a trade in our fantasy baseball league. My pitching is fucked and I could really use a starter. I could maybe give you Cruz for Grienke. Cruz is hitting a ton, a guy with hair on his ass. He’s gonna knock 50 out this year.
Dr. Jeffrey Kuhlman
June 18, 2010
9:17 am
It’s George here and I’m nearly out of my stress pills. Call me.
Laura Bush
June 21, 2010
3:48 pm
It’s me. Jesus, most boring meeting ever. All I could think about during the blabberfest was that guy who’s obsessed with becoming a mermaid. Saw him on a talk show the other day and sweet Jesus, he just gives me the creeps.
Uma Thurman
June 22, 2010
12:27 am
Uma, thanks for making time for me earlier to chat about Buddhism. I did not know that there were Four Noble Truths. Something to chew on, that. I figure I’ve been looking for The Dhamma my entire life, probably why I bombed Iraq. Would love to see you again soon. Your hair looked really pretty.
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