These are the text messages I sent my wife Rachelle on Monday:
*******************************
Me: Yep.
Me: Dropped Jones off at daycare and am now at the polling station getting ready to cast my vote for mayor!
Me: No.
Me: Mayor McCheese is not on the ballot.
Me: It is a shame. Not only is he VERY experienced, but he’s also delicious.
Me: I agree, we do underestimate taste when it comes to appraising our candidates.
Me: I think Doug Ford would have been a buttery mayor, like wagyu beef.
Me: John Tory? The current mayor? Beef jerky.
Me: He looks creepy. Desiccated and plastic, like if you bred a dry roasted peanut with a Ken doll. Looks like somebody from Blue Rodeo who suddenly got really, really old!
Me: No.
Me: No, that’s not a “dig” at Jim Cuddy.
Me: All I’m saying is that his opponent, Jennifer Keesmaat, has aged pretty well.
Me: What?
Me: Look, all I mean is that she looks as good now as she did 15 years ago. Let’s smash the patriarchy and vote for her!!
Me: Oh.
Me: Well, when you put it like that I guess it does sound a bit like I’m going to smash the patriarchy by voting for a woman I think has aged well.
Me: And you think that’s wrong?
Me: Okay.
Me: Well, in my defence I knew JK back in the day.
Me: Didn’t I tell you?
Me: But look, I also like her transit plan. Very smart. And let me assure you, she’s more than just another pretty face! You should vote for The Keezer!
Me: A nickname I had for her.
Me: Oh, that was so long ago.
Me: Lava Life, I think.
Me: We only went out on one date.
Me: Went to Maine for a long weekend.
Me: Yeah, I guess it was a three day date.
Me: What did we do?
Me: Well, she’s a HUGE Stephen King fan so we went on a tour of his house in Bangor.
Otherwise, we just drank some wine, walked the beaches, talked policy. Stuff like that.
Me: Hunh!
Me: Hadn’t thought about that, but yeah, Stephen King’s house is my screen saver.
Me: Look, I hadn’t even met you yet!
Me: Rest assured, if you were running for mayor I would vote for you!
Me: You would organize the hell out of this city!
Me: You really would.
Me: And I LOVE the idea of making Toronto a Sanctuary City for all the lost animals of the world.
Me: You would be a way better mayor than JK.
Me: I would be a Russian bot for you.
Me: I would lie to congress for you.
Me: You wouldn’t believe how many laws I would break for you political ambition!!
Me: People would be screaming at me every goddamn time I tried to eat out. You can bet your bottom dollar on that.
Me: It’s true. You are the fire with which I burn. You have all of me, my love, you always have and always will.
Me: Yes.
Me: Absolutely. You have my word.
Me: I will change my screen saver.
]]>********************************
Heidi recently had major back surgery.
It pretty big deal, but Heidi very strong pack leader and bounce back in no time, but still, make you think. Heidi no longer young dog. Heidi six.
Heidi think about her life and realize Heidi make a lot of bad decisions. No know why so many bad decisions but seem to happen all the time, and Heidi must now take ownership of this! Heidi have capacity to grow!!
Cheeseburger. When Heidi see cheeseburger she lose control and fight to steal cheeseburger. Not even thinking. Just cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger. When Heidi try to take cheeseburger this always make two-legged treat-givers mad and they yell, “ BAD DOG, HEIDI, BAD DOG, NO, NO, BAD DOG!!” But Heidi never listen and steal cheeseburger and eat it in quick, greed bites!! Taste so good!! But later Heidi always have belly ache, maybe stealing cheeseburger is bad decision? Heidi not sure. Have to look inside herself.
Jupiter. Jupiter stud Doberman Pinscher Heidi sometimes see. Jupiter very hot. To watch Jupiter play fetch is to lose yourself in beautiful clouds of meat! And Jupiter just smell, you know, like Alpha Dog! So dreamy! Heidi do things with Jupiter Heidi not proud of, things that make Heidi feel shame, and Jupiter always treat Heidi like just another slut dog! Jupiter no respect Heidi, just using her! Heidi think sex with Jupiter might be bad decision. Next time, just say no to Jupiter, see how he treat Heidi after that!
Holes. Heidi not sure why always putting head in holes. Heidi never know what in hole. Sometimes horrible thing in hole! Bad decision to just put head in hole. Heidi need to work on impulse control. Heidi will take ownership. Begin to change life.
Heidi also think it bad decision to bark and chase Sparkles. Sparkles Siamese cat that live down street and is pure evil!! Heidi on slave leash with two-legged four-eyed treat giver and when Heidi bark, Sparkles just attack like fur lightning! Nothing Heidi can do! Heidi handicapped and can’t run or bite, and Sparkles always think he so strong and tough and smart but not strong and tough and smart! Just ugly, stupid cat-face! Heidi so hate Sparkles! Heidi like to rip Sparkles into million pieces!!! Heidi would play fetch with Sparkles head. Heidi fucking kill Sparkles a thousand blood times over and over again!! Heidi very upset. Must go to calm place.
