Twitter was not at all what I thought it would be.

I envisioned a virtual water cooler where all sorts of people–many who didn’t work in an office– might get together during the day to exchange witty banter about what was going on in the world. I imagined a kind of democratic paradise, too, maybe like the ancient Greeks, a place where there was equal opportunity for everybody to be heard, and the quality of an idea was not contingent upon the status of the person bearing it.

Of course, it turns out that Twitter is a tire fire, and I simply could not have been more wrong.

Twitter and it’s 140 character cage, ( now upped to 280 characters ) did not spark conversations, it destroyed them. Instead of attempting to actually investigate ideas that you didn’t already own, people went on search and destroy missions, each Tweet a drive-by shooting aimed at a rival gang. Twitter was a weapon, a device used to amplify and distribute propaganda, and whenever a person was handed this weapon they immediately, without even knowing it, became a soldier in somebody else’s army.

Twitter was not a place you went to freely express yourself, it was a battlefield.

Just under a quarter of Americans are on this battlefield, and from what I can tell the preponderance of people using the platform would be loosely defined as a kind intelligentsia, those with sufficient space and security in their life to spend X-amount of time each day looking to make corrections in the lives of others. These people are driving the culture wars that are currently dominating our cyclonic news cycle, and that, in turn, is driving the political discourse. This means that the vast majority of Americans, more than 75%, are being led down a road paved by this influential, minority group.

Yet oddly, we seem more concerned about conspiratorial fictions then this beast in which we live.

No matter, the people behind Twitter know how dangerous and influential the platform has become, and in an effort to make it less pernicious, they’re now considering taking away the Like function.

Twitter is an obviously hierarchal structure, a place where status is measured by Likes, followers and retweets. The more of these you have, the more influence you wield. It’s practically a board game. The goal is not to learn about other people and their ideas, it’s about acquiring and exercising power. ( Exhibit A: Donald Trump) But it’s not the real world, not even close. The vast majority of humans live outside the gates of Twitter, yet they are directed and depicted, by those within. A technology that was meant to be radically democratic has somehow ended up being kind of totalitarian.

For instance, China is creating a Social Credit System which is intended to measure citizens social and business reputation. It’s a Black Mirror episode, a world in which everything you do is judged and catalogued by others, and it is upon that which your ability to function in society is dependent. In fact, Twitter had something very much like that which they called Klout, a complex numerical measurement of your influence. This is the unfortunate principal on which much of our social media exists, and if Twitter liberates us from it, they will be striking a great blow in a war most of us don’t even know we’re fighting.

Dear Santa:

I hope you enjoy your protein shake for your long journey.

I would like to know what it’s like to be Santa Claus.

1. Is it fun to fly?
2. Do you like being in charge of your elves?
3. Do you like delivering presents to children?
4. What’s your favourite hobby?
5. What do you do over the weekend?
6. Do you ever think of moving to a sunny place?
7. Do you go on vacation?
8. What’s your birthday?
9. Do you deliver presents to pets?
10. Do you have a pet?

Love,

Talullah from LA

Dear Talullah:

You should know that Santa is very grateful to you for leaving him a protein shake. You are a very sweet girl. Unfortunately, Santa is very lactose intolerant and suffers acute gastric distress whenever he has a protein shake, so he had to give it to Dasher, his lead reindeer, who is a bit of a hippy and really very experimental in his tastes. Last year Dasher tried Ayahuasca– saw serpents and had diarrhea for two days.

Santa isn’t sure how that “blessed” him with “spiritual advancement,” but whatever.

Santa will now try to answer all your questions!

1. It is NOT fun to fly. It is VERY dangerous, especially with all the drones terrorizing the skies! Santa is only able to do it if he gets gassed up and takes his medication: 3mg of Ativan and a magic gummy.
2. Santa is not in charge of the elves! Santa and the elves work as a team, functioning as a single unit without any hierarchy! Also, the elves are very well compensated for the work they do and the netting that surround Santa’s toy factory are NOT suicide nets like those at all the Apple factories in China! Also, any rumours you heard about elf slavery or elf sex slavery are not true! That’s fake news!
3. Santa has had worse jobs. Working at a poultry farm, for instance.
4. For hobbies Santa really enjoys Cosplay, voyeurism and experimenting with surveillance equipment.
5. On the weekends Santa usually just chills and watches Netflix with the wife. Highly recommends Mindhunter.
6. It is amazing to Santa how ill-informed people are! Little girls like you, Talullah, just live in little electronic silos, never learning anything you don’t already believe! Let Santa assure you, there is plenty of sun in the North Pole!
7. We have been to Mar-a-Lago a number of times. Just the best. Saw Melania changing into her bikini once. Not bad at all.
8. Santa will only tell you that he is a Leo with Pisces ascendent.
9. No. Santa would throw-up if he ever even saw a chicken again.
10. Several elves and a turtle.

What a beautiful couple we were. Really, you could have put us on an album cover. That album? It would have sold millions and millions and millions of copies. Best selling album in history. Captain and Tennille? Forget about ’em. We would have blown them out of the water. Losers.

That thing Ivana is wearing on her head?

Not a swim cap.
Not cancer.

Very European. Very classy. VERY expensive.

What do you think the thread count is on those sheets? 500? 800? Maybe 1000?

1200.
That’s right, 1200.
Egyptian cotton.
The finest in the world.

Ivanka is such a beautiful woman. So very talented. Have you seen her ski? Amazing. Could have been an Olympian if she wanted. But the truth is that she was never very good at art. Always used to hire other kids to do her drawings in school. This one was done by some Chinese. Ivanka, such a smart businesswoman. Her IQ might even be as high as mine. Such an improvement on her mother.

I was asked to do Playgirl. Many, many times. So many times I can’t even count. And the amount of money they offered me? You would not believe. The most ever. It was like the same amount they would have paid Jesus. Never did it, though. Didn’t like the idea of fruits getting off on me. Just disgusting, that. Anyway fruits, I guess today is your lucky day.

I get people to shave my chest now.

Bannon took me to that party a few years ago.

So much quality ass.

The ladies there had the best skin in the world. They were just as smooth as a bunch of billiard balls. Probably all used French moisturizers. I had sex with many, many of the girls that night– some with the masks, some without. It was hard work to stay hydrated.

Met Jamie Lee Curtis at a Planet Hollywood back in the 80’s.

Went on a date with her. Very uneventful, but let me tell you, those rumours of her having, you know, both sexes? Not true. All woman.

This is a more recent photo. Here I’m just roaming the White House late at night exploring. The place is really third rate. Desperately needs an update. If it was a contestant in a beauty contest? Boob, nose, eye job and liposuction just for starters. Reminds me. Walked in on one of the cleaning ladies changing the other day. You can do that when you’re President.

You think Obama didn’t?

C’mon!

The site enables people to trade all manner of goods, absolutely anything you have lying around or might want to cook. If somebody likes what you posted, they send you a message and the bartering begins.

This was my first post:

Posted by Michael Murray
Toronto Division

Genuine Sialkot Pro Field Hockey Stick

Made in India, this vintage field hockey stick is a real gem! Nicknamed “Sally,” it was used by high school Goddess Victoria Reid during the season that saw her team, The Lisgar Lancers, win the Ottawa city championship in 1983. Victoria scored a record 36 goals with Sally!

The stick, which feels solid and sure in the hands, is also rumoured to have been used as a murder weapon. So if you’re looking for a little bit of security around the house and are still unsure of guns, this is what you’re looking for, as the stick’s hooked nature guarantees that irregular and jagged wounds would be cut into any invader. I hate to give up this wonderful piece of history, but my wife insists, believing it to be cursed. Ha, ha. Let me assure you, Sally is not cursed, just brutally effective, as many squirrels and at least one homeless man rooting through our garbage for empty wine bottles can attest. It is also important to note that Sally never has conversations with me. I don’t get “different” around her, and you won’t get “different” around her either, just stronger, more violent and a little unpredictable!

All reasonable trade offers will be considered. #Sports #Hockey #Vintage #Murder #Weapon #ProbablyNotHaunted
Response from Dealer Dave
Toronto Division
Bullshit.

I don’t believe your story for one second, but I need something to use for my son’s birthday pinata and your field hockey stick sounds like it would work. I have a Chinese bootleg CD of the U2 album How To Dismantle An Atomic Bomb, would that work?

Response from Michael Murray
Toronto Division

No, a crappy U2 CD will not do.

Do you have any wine?

Response from Dealer Dave
Toronto Division

No, I am not giving you wine for a piece of wood. I have a CD by the Tea Party, would you prefer that?

Response from Michael Murray
Toronto Division

No deal!! Sally says no!!!

Response from Cindy84
Toronto Division

Your dog is super cute! I also like your carpet. Would you be willing to trade either one of those instead of the creepy stick? I have gift cards…
Response from Make$2000AWeekFromHome
Toronto Division

I’m impressed, I have to admit. Seldom do I come across a blog that’s both equally educative and interesting, and without a doubt, you have hit the nail on the head. The problem is an issue that too few folks are speaking intelligently about. I’m very happy I found this during my search for something relating to this.
Response from Redrum
Toronto Division

Interested in the weapon.

Do you know what became of Victoria Reid?

Response from Michael Murray
Toronto Division

Heard it was a suicide, but even after all these years there’s still a lot of controversy surrounding her death. Th CBC is said to be making a mini-series on it called, “The Possession of Victoria Reid.”

Sometimes she comes to me in my dreams.

Response from Redrum
Toronto Division

I work at a packing plant and have meat to trade. Lots of ground beef. One pound of ground beef for the weapon?

Response from Michael Murray
Toronto Division

I’m worried about food safety. I got Listeria once and will not go through that again. Do you have any wine? Sally likes you and wants to serve you.

Response from Redrum
Toronto Division

I have a half-full box of Jackson Triggs Merlot.

Response from Michael Murray
Toronto Division

Deal!

August 15, 2014

Dear J-Law:

It’s me, Michael Murray again, just writing you a quick note to wish you a most excellent and happy birthday! It must feel incredible to be just turning 24, having already won an Academy Award and been nominated for a few others, all the while being utterly adored by absolutely everybody on the planet, including the Chinese, who are known to be cautious with their affection.

Chinese people never seem to like me. I don’t know why but I’m starting to think it might be because I’m really good at ping-pong and that they’re just a really insecure people. Any thoughts?

I would like to play ping-pong with you- we’d be a great match! ( I am gifted at puns)

At any rate, I have to say, I’d really like to feel incredible like you must feel all the time. It must be pretty cool, that feeling. Sometimes I feel depressed. Like right now, as I think about the insecure Chinese and how they hate me, I’m also realizing that I’m old enough to be your father! Funny, that, because it really feels like there’s great chemistry between us. If we starred in a movie together I think we’d become the next great couple.

Jennichael.

Do you know what helps depression? Touching. If you were to touch me I would feel less depressed. It’s a medical fact. It’s called Touch Therapy.

There’s also Sensual Touch Therapy for the people who really care.

It was a real shame about Robin Williams, don’t you think?

Anyway, I don’t want to be a drag on your big day, my depression isn’t that bad! I only get down because I’m sensitive and feel life more than most people! I just wanted to give you a big shout-out and wish you an incredible birthday full of much happiness, health, joy and success, and to let you know that Touch Therapy really works. It does, it saves lives. You are beautiful, staggeringly beautiful, and I bet you have cool, soft hands that smell like poems.

I would love to hang with you if you’re in Toronto for the Film Festival next month!

Michael Murray

PS: Bradley Cooper (pretentious name) is much older than you. Did you sleep with him when you made Silver Lining Playbook? I have seen that movie 24 times, once for every year you’ve been alive.

Here are some facts about the Roger’s Centre:

1. It took nearly 40 years of (Asian) slave labour and a loss of over 30, 000 human lives to build the great dome, a fact that is considered a black mark on Canadian history. A banner that reads, WE SALUTE OUR FALLEN ASIAN BROTHERS hangs beneath the Jumbotron as a tribute. Folk legend has it that whenever the Jays or Argos go on a prolonged losing streak that they are suffering “The Chinaman’s Curse,” a retribution for the great losses the Asian community suffered during the time of construction.

2. The total construction cost of the Skydome was said to be nearly $1,000,000.

3.  The name Skydome was chosen by Horatio Clarence Hocken, the Mayor of Toronto in 1914 when the stadium was opened. Hocken, a jew, said that the name Skydome came to him while in an opium dream-state.

4. The retractable roof of the Skydome was not fully functional until the early 1990’s. However, that didn’t prevent the Skydome from being regarded as Canada’s greatest technological wonder up until the Canadarm came along in 1981.

5. In 1914 the price of a beer at the Skydome was $7.00, today, $22.50.

6. In 2003, Canada’s last public execution took place in the Skydome. Abdul Ghafaar Ali was hung to death on charges of suspected terrorism before a sell-out crowd of 52, 000.

7. Since it opened in 1914, there have been over 600 incidents at the stadium hotel of couples having sex in plain view of thousands of fans, as well as 17 incidents of men being thrown out for masturbating at the window. The Jays have a record of 362-289 when hotel guests are caught naked or having sex.

8. Stadium seats: 50,000 seats for baseball; 52,000 for football and executions and 8,000 to 60,000 for concerts (using the SkyTent).

9. During World War II, the Skydome was used as an interment centre for Japanese-Canadians during the Blue Jays off-season.

10. Gwyneth Paltrow and Colplay lead singer Chris Martin were married in the Skydome.

What follows is a transcript of the speech Rondeau made to council:

“Let me start by giving you some numbers:

79, 510

143, 740

500, 100

10, 336, 440

These numbers are the high scores I achieved as a fourth grader in Space Invaders, Omega Race, Frogger and Asteroids. I’d like to just let that sink in for a little bit. Those. Numbers. Produced. By. A. Fourth. Grader.

I had a wicked powerful gift.

A wicked powerful gift that was stolen from me by the government.

I can guarantee you that my life would have turned out much differently if I’d been allowed to cultivate my gift and big government didn’t step in to crush the free market. Not only was the free market destroyed, but so was the spirit of a sweet, chubby boy in grade four who maybe wasn’t very good at sports, but learned how to compete and achieve greatness amongst the frogs, asteroids and pixels.

If I had been allowed to pursue my dreams I don’t think I ever would have been cursed with the Oxy addiction that’s plagued me for the last 8 years. I think I would have found the self-esteem I needed as a child and not been a bully magnet, I think I would have impressed some girls and perhaps learned to talk to them. When I’m sitting at the bar not playing a video game, I think about the life that might have been a lot.

A lot.

I know some of our city fathers thought that video games would lead to drug addiction, but it’s just the opposite! It’s the absence of video games that lead to drug addiction!

Just as it’s not right for Ben Affleck to get banned from the Hard Rock Casino in Vegas for counting cards, it’s wrong for the government to steal the dreams of children and merchants alike, and ban video games in our town! What is this, Footloose?! No, we’re not friggin’ Soviet Footloose, we’re America, and we don’t tell our citizens what to do! We’re number one, and we need to stay number one! China has some pretty wicked video gamers coming down the pipe right now, and in order to keep beating them, we need our kids to start early and play hard!

It’s been over 30 years, it’s time to lift the ban!

Pac-Man for everybody!!

Thank you for your time, and go Bruins!!”

(Standing Ovation)

Although I should’ve gone to bed this morning, my masters discovered something abnormal with my mechanical control system and are staying up all night working for a solution. I heard their eyes are looking more like my red rabbit eyes. It is at times like this that I miss hearing them telling me how disappointed in me they were and how I needed to work harder to make China proud. Ha, even the smell of the alcohol on my father’s breath I now miss! Nevertheless, I’m aware that I might not survive this lunar night.

Chang’e (the lander that deposited Yutu on the Moon — so named after the Chinese goddess of the same name who lived on the Moon and had a pet rabbit called Yutu) doesn’t know about my problems yet. If I can’t be fixed, everyone please comfort her with gifts of fine liqueur, solar calculators or buns made in the shape of a peach, for those are her favourites.

Before departure, I studied the history of mankind’s lunar probes. About half of the past 130 explorations ended in success; the rest in failure. This is space exploration; the danger comes with its beauty. I am but a tiny dot in the vast picture of mankind’s adventure in space, but China is great with the best, fastest-growing economy in the galaxy and titanic athletes who will always bring glory home! Chinese Women’s Volleyball is the best! China will never be defeated!!

The sun has fallen, and the temperature is dropping so quickly. I am very cold, but to tell you all a secret, I don’t feel that sad. I was just in my own adventure story – and like every hero, I encountered a small problem. I just want you all to remember, “Do a good job in family planning to promote economic development, for one child is enough!”

Goodnight, Earth, goodnight, humanity.

Jade Rabbit

Achieving one of the highest pollution ratings in the history of the planet last week, the city of Shanghai was almost completely enveloped by smog.

The skyline was obscured, schoolchildren were ordered to stay inside and all manner of commerce was suspended. This was a monumental, even apocalyptic kind of problem, but the government decided to use it as a rather cheerful opportunity to disseminate propaganda, pointing out that the smog was excellent for national defence as it acted as a kind of shield, discombobulating the navigational systems of enemy missiles. I present to you a short list of some of the messages the government passed along to the people in the hopes of quelling their anxiety and boosting their morale:

“Although criminals may think the smog conceals their actions from our surveillance cameras, the people of China will always do what is right!”

“Now free from the courageous bustle of industry, it is a lovely time to stroll the streets of Shanghai!”

‘It is important for the people of China to understand that the pollution we see in the air is definitely not living invisibly in the water, earth or food sources of our nation! China: United in safety!”

“The brownish, rank smog must know that the colour of Red China will never change!”

“Be indomitable in physical training to strengthen the physique, but please, not outdoors in peak smog hours!”

“The people must keep the birth rate low to defeat the smog! ”

“We are fortunate and blessed not to have a flu epidemic while the people fight smog!”

“The smog is our shield against aggressive capitalist imperialism!”

“It is good that Kanye cancelled his concert in Shanghai because of the smog for he is decadent and corrupt!”

“Like smog, the Gods of wealth can enter the home from everywhere if the worker is committed!”

“Chinese women’s volleyball, #1 the envy of the world!”

I did not want that image in my head.

It’s a haunting, is what it is, and I think I would rather be plagued by the image of a baby being pulled from a sewage pipe in China or of doomed storm chasers trying to drive through an apocalyptic tornado in Oklahoma. I just don’t want to have to think about Michael Douglas doing that, okay?

With that in mind, and in an effort to cleanse my mind of the image by actually exploding it, I have created a list of some other things that should never be associated together.

Rob Ford: Cunnilingus

Jack Nicholson: Cunnilingus

Toenail: Kickstand

Groupon: Dentistry

Donald Trump: Showering and/or Cologne Application

Joan Rivers: Blowjob

Michael Douglas: Blowjob

Ann Coulter: Sex tape

Rob Ford: Your washroom

Compound fracture: A Parent

Cosplay: Olympic Event

Segway Tour: Wine Country