I hailed a cab and in the car the song Another Brick in the Wall by Pink Floyd was playing. The driver, silent and seeming tense, was leaning forward and very aggressively keeping beat to the music with his fingers against the steering wheel.
“Hey teacher, leave those kids alone!” Pink Floyd sang from past.
The driver was lost to the music, and the look on his face indicated an angry agreement with it, rather than a pleasant remembrance of the time the song recalled. Thirty seconds or so likely passed, and then as if thinking out loud, in a hard, Jamaican accent, he said, “Some music stays with us, man.”
“Yeah, but it always brings something else with it, doesn’t it?” I responded. “I mean, it’s never alone.”
He shot me a look, an unfriendly one, that suggested I had intruded somewhere I wasn’t welcome, and I receded into the back seat– the rest of the drive was quiet, but for his small, out of key voice occasionally singing along to the radio, “All in all it was all just bricks in the wall, we wuz all just bricks in the wall…”
]]>Obviously, I’d make a great leader. I have the physical charisma our culture demands of its politicians, have an agile, encyclopedic brain, speak 6 languages and have a PHD in people. However, since I sincerely believe that fame is a curse, I refuse to put my wife and dog through the constant, ceaseless scrutiny that my taking office would entail, so I say, once again, I will not be running for Mayor of Toronto.
This does not mean that I am abdicating my civic duty to the great, multicultural, world-class city of Toronto. I have just signed on (salary and benefits part of a non-disclosure agreement) to be a part of the Duck For Mayor (@duckformayor on Twitter) team working to elect a duck for mayor of Toronto. My duties will be vast, but one of the first things I will be doing is forming a coherent platform that serves all Torontonians, something that I will be unveiling through a series of Tweets on Twitter.
@duckformayor: The carnage in Chinatown must be stopped!
@duckformayor: When I am mayor of Toronto, I will raze Chinatown!
@duckformayor: Both of them!
@duckformayor: Duck for Mayor will be a just Mayor, but a vengeful one!
@duckformayor: Tough on crime!
@duckformayor: Not afraid to walk the walk.
@duckformayor: Duck for Mayor supports the brave police officers of the Greater Toronto Area!
@duckformayor: Unlike some candidates, Duck for Mayor has never been convicted of drunk driving! #RobFordHas
@duckformayor: Plan to restructure transits includes, canals, canals, canals!
@duckformayor: Subways already flooding, why not leave them that way?
@duckformayor: HUGE taxpayer savings in foregoing repair costs!
@duckformayor: Also, tourists will love gondola rides through Toronto’s famous underground canals!
@duckformayor: Come on, Toronto, think big, vote Duck!
@duckformayor: Rumours of my affair with Margaret Atwood have been greatly exaggerated. #TorontoStarIsTrash
@duckformayor: Classy lady, though, don’t have a bad word to say about her.
@duckformayor: Did some great camping together back in the day.
@duckformayor: Canals, canals, canals!
@duckformayor: Anybody else missing GOT as much as I am? #OnlyWithdrawlThisDuckKnows
@duckformayor: Death to Chinatown!!
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1. ROCK THE VOTE!!
In an effort to help remind Torontonians that it’s their duty to vote in the upcoming city election on October 27th, CondomTO would put out a series of prophylactics featuring various City Councilors and Mayoral candidates. Personalities should include:
Rob Ford
David Soknacki
Doug Ford
Karen Stintz
Olivia Chow
Sarah Thomson
- TORONTO: PROUD OF OUR WILDLIFE!!
This series of condoms would feature some of the urban wildlife that makes Toronto such a distinctive blend between big-city cosmopolitanism and natural green space, also serving as a reminder that animals are our neighbours and partners in city living! Creatures that should be considered for inclusion:
Pigeon
Raccoon
Small dog (As so many Torontonians are apartment dwellers, the city has a preponderance of small dog breeds such as Dachshund, Pug, Yorkshire Terrier, etcetera)
Rat
Squirrel
Bed Bugs
- CELEBRATE JURASSIC PARK!!
In honour of the Toronto Raptors basketball team’s great run into the playoffs, CondomTO would feature some of the star personalities involved with the team! Suggestions include:
Amir Johnson
The Raptor (Mascot)
Jonas Valanciunas
Kyle Lowry
Drake (Ambassador of team)
Nav Bhatia (Superfan)
