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Ponderosa

By Dan

Fucking A.

The Ponderosa delivers like a goddamn steak mailman.

Unlimited chocolate milk? Unlimited awesome.

Love the swinging doors and bacon bits, and almost everybody working there was wearing a hairnet, so you know that they’re serious about their crap. I’d definitely go back. Yippee ki-yay, motherfucker!

The Pink Dragon

By Keo

The food is very good here but I swear to God the place is haunted! I went down to the basement to use the bathroom and while I was washing my hands I saw a pale Asian man standing behind me in the mirror, but when I turned around there was nobody there. I didn’t think much of it at the time, but later I was told that the Pink Dragon was built on an old Chinese morgue and was known to be haunted. Apparently a dishwasher stabbed a cook to death there too, and after that they erected those lion-dog sculptures out front to ward off evil spirits. If you take a close look, you’ll notice that there’s no #9 on the menu, and this is because the cook was murdered on the 9th day of September, the 9th month of the year.

Der Speisewagon

By Anthony

Lauren and I used to go to Der Speisewagon together. It was kind of our place. Felt weird, sad-weird to be there alone. When Lauren and I were together German food seemed kind of fun, like a campy polka, but now it just seems blunt and obnoxious. I don’t really remember what I had, some sort of sausage and a shit ton of beer, I think, so you know, just not very memorable. Lauren, she’s memorable. She was my schnitzel.

Chuck E. Cheese’s

By Susan

Look, I know that this is a place for kids, but Jesus Fucking Christ! The food was awful, like garbage they dug out of a hole. Not even a drunk person could eat it. I ordered the “chicken sandwich,” and I am damn sure positive that what they served was not chicken. Maybe goat. Or squirrel. God knows. The staff was lobotomized and dirty, and the kids unsupervised savages. I saw one 6-year-old girl with hot, greasy cheese strands in her hair and two pepperoni slices covering her eyes. The plus side is that they sell beer. I had four. And then, drunk, I drove my son home, swearing to never, ever set foot in that accursed place again. The horror, the horror.

I know it’s not politically correct to do this but I’m going to do it anyway, Merry Christmas everybody! I could say something like “Happy Holidays,” or “Season’s Greetings,” like the nerds in the office want, but I’ve got to be me! Rob Ford is Rob Ford, and if that means taking the difficult path of the warrior, then that’s the car I gotta drive, and if you don’t like it, well, you can just sit on it. So if you’re gay or an Indian or Jewish and don’t respect Jesus and commerce, well, just ignore this and continue with your Chinese food and movies. (By the way, if you’re looking for a movie to see I’d recommend The Hobbit. It is WAY cool! I’ve seen it three times and consider it an early Oscar favourite.)

Now that I’ve gotten the “politics” out of the way, I just want to say, WOW!!!!

What a freakin’ year!

Our very own Toronto Argonauts won the Grey Cup, there was a bunch of black on black killings in gangtown, and until the left-wing media drove me to quit, I went on a diet. Even more, we’ve all had to battle through the NHL lockout and the subsequent hockey pool draught it’s caused, we shared in the emotional roller coaster that was the Ikea Monkey, and finally we all survived the Mayan Apocalypse! (I tell you, I was never happier to have a vacation property in Florida (two swimming pools) than I was on December 21^st when I thought it was all coming down! Anyway, I want you all to know that it was my honour to serve as your captain through all this joy and pain, all this sunshine and rain. Toronto, you can always count on me to be your quarterback.

I want to add that at city hall we’re really proud that we’ve been able to slow down the gravy train. It’s third and long for the socialists and downtown elite and soon we’ll have a casino the size of an airport right in the middle of Toronto, firmly establishing us as a world-class city. We have an awful lot to look forward to in 2013, so rock on, T.O!

Here’s hoping you all fight hard, but fight fair on Boxing Day, and that you get the stuff you want!

Rob

PS: And remember, if you get stopped during a holiday ride program, always say that you haven’t had anything to drink so that the police officer doesn’t have reasonable cause to give you a breathalyzer!