Heidi got job at Globe and Mail to write Horoscope for dog. Hope you like!

Aries:

Aries dog hate leash. Think they Alpha of the pack but they not! Just dog with big head. Aries dog often scared of cats. Avoid cats this week. Cat know you just faker.

Taurus:

Taurus dog have great inner strength. Can bark for days at tree. In fact, great gift of Taurus dog is bark, which can be very beautiful if cultivated. Why wait, Taurus dog? Now is time to become great barker always wanted to become. Practice now!

Gemini:

Gemini dog famous for being stupid. All German Shepherds are Gemini. Gemini dog have dual nature and can never make up mind. Chase squirrel, not chase squirrel? Gemini dog don’t know! This week, chase squirrel!!

Cancer:

Cancer dog very good at swimming. This make them very weird dog. Heidi no like cancer dog. This week if cancer dog go swimming will be killed by Snakehead fish. It is written in stars.

Leo:

Leo dog very stupid. Think all great because often tall but really just baby-dog who like squeak toy more than blood of enemies. Leo dog disgust Heidi. This week very bad for Leo dog.

Virgo:

Virgo dog just love to travel! Pee on every tree! Virgo dog also have gift of clairvoyance. Can see future with only brain. This week must trust gift and locate missing child in well, then get many treats!!

Libra:

Libra dog must be very, very careful of cars this coming week. Be wary of squirrels! They follow Satan! Do not chase them to onto the hard black dirt of speed machines! Heidi warn you!

Scorpio:

Scorpio dog scared of growing up! Why Scorpio dog, why? You sit around with chew toy, wearing slave outfit of master! Scorpio dog have no pride, disgust Heidi! Time to start own pack! Stop wasting time on Cute Overload! Not getting any younger!

Sagittarius:

Sagittarius dog born under sign of the archer with Jupiter as ruling planet. Oh, Heidi once loved Doberman named Jupiter! So strong, leap high in air to catch Frisbee, so beautiful to watch that Heidi knew God must exist! Heidi so young and so in love, so much tail wagging! Had great time in bushes with Jupiter but never saw him again. Always wonder about Jupiter, what litter might look like.

Capricorn:

Capricorn dog must ask itself: Are you the hunter or the hunted? What “a dog eat dog world” really mean? Stop barking at clouds and take time to consider these questions. Lucky number 7.

Aquarius:

Aquarius dog really, really like people. Very weak dog lacking in character. Given to fleas, inability to control tail and compulsive gambling. Sort of dog that like Christian rock. Special colour this week Electric Blue.

Pisces:

Pisces is sign of very, very good dog! Very pretty dog! Jesus smile on Pieces dog. All week Pisces dog will have important dreams! Pay attention! Very powerful dog, so go kill squirrel and tear cat to stringy bits. Dig hole always dreamed of. You know fetch no game.