We are sad to announce that Crasher Squirrel was killed on Friday after a truck backed over him while he was trying to retrieve a pizza crust that had been left in a parking lot. May the Rainbow Bridge carry you home, sweet squirrel.
Darwin, who shot to fame in 2012 while wandering a parking lot in Toronto wearing a faux-Shearling coat, was found dead on Tuesday night. Known as the Ikea Monkey, Darwin was a sweet and fashion forward monkey who excelled at flinging pillows and masturbating. The absence of his playful, luminous presence will leave a hole that can never be filled. Dangles, Darwin’s life partner of 2 weeks, is asking that in lieu of flowers donations be made toward a banana tree to be planted in Darwin’s memory.
Chris P. Bacon passed away in a drowning accident on July 2. This wheelchair bound piglet– who had just recently signed a three book deal and had almost 5, 000 followers on Twitter– will leave behind a tremendous legacy of fortitude, inspiration and cuteness. Although he did not have the use of his back legs, he more than made up for that with his tiny, super cute heart. Any donations toward further research for safer, airbag equipped piglet wheelchairs are much appreciated. He was a delicious and beautiful pig.
Scandal Scenario #1
A sex tape purported to feature Mayor Ford, his brother Councilor Doug Ford and an unknown prostitute has been circulating the Internet. The Mayor’s office wants to assure everybody that this is a hoax perpetuated by the left wing media in an effort to subvert the democratic process and defame hard working civic officials. The faces of the men in the videotape are not visible, as they are concealed by football helmets, and Rob Ford’s famous third nipple is nowhere in sight. It should also be noted that Rob and Doug are very common names, and the fact that they are repeatedly bellowed throughout the video in no way links the Ford brothers to this robust threesome.
Scandal Scenario #2
What the left-wing media has been describing as a Japanese Sex Doll– that Mayor Ford has been seen hauling in and out of his Escalade over the last week– is in fact a Football Tackling Dummy.
Although it certainly has some feminine features, this in no way describes a sexist or degrading attitude toward women. Far from it. In fact, Mayor Ford has been using the Tackling Dummy as an instructional prop in order to help educate his football players in sexual harassment protocols and in the proper treatment of cheerleaders.
Scandal Scenario #3
Mayor Ford, while generously playing Santa Claus at a Dufferin Mall charity event, did not ask a child present if there was black Santa Claus, too, as the left-wing media has been reporting. The boy who cited this story, Abdul Azeem Kazi, is clearly a Muslim and obviously does not believe in Santa Claus. There is just no way he would have been telling Santa what he wanted for Christmas. We have strong reason to suspect that this boy was working for the Toronto Star and that his parent’s are in the country illegally. Stop the gravy train!
Scandal Scenario #4
Although the Mayor tried cocaine back in his youth in the 80’s, he has not knowingly used it in a freebase situation in quite a stretch. The Mayor regrets his youthful experiments (there was no sexual experimentation) with drugs, and hopes for a speedy conclusion to the NHL hockey lockout.
