Dear Queen Elizabeth II:
Happy birthday!!!
I just want to say that you look absolutely fantastic for 88! Really, I could see in the photograph that your skin was just glowing so I really want to congratulate you on that. I had my passport photograph taken yesterday, after only a five year interval, and I’m very sorry to say that I looked asymmetrical, angry and jaundiced, like a hard drinking 68 year-old. Really, I looked like I live in Russia or something, and I don’t!
I’m actually from Canada, so I’m one of your subjects, and when I was a boy I used to collect stamps with you on them. There must have been hundreds of them, and they all looked pretty much alike—you, looking regal in front of some aspect of Canadian industry.
None of them were valuable for collectors as so many were printed and used to mail letters. (You remember mailing letters, don’t you? Or maybe you don’t. Maybe you always had a fancy butler to mail them for you and put the stamp on the envelope, otherwise I guess it would have been pretty weird to put a stamp of yourself on the envelope. That’s the sort of thing that could go to a person’s head, I think.) At any rate, they were everyday stamps, the sort that filled the pages between the cool ones of Grizzly Bears or hockey players, but every once in awhile for a special occasion they’d put out a stamp of you that was practically the size of a hockey card. It would be either silver or gold and it was like finding a jewel. Suddenly, we got to see you in all your majesty, if that makes any sense.
Everybody has regrets, but I imagine a queen might have more than most. You were locked into a very particular life from the time you were born and you must always wonder about that boy you thought cute way back when, or what it would have been like to have been a hippy and get high with a Beatle. What would you say your biggest regret is?
I regret never learning how to fire a gun.
And if you could sleep with either Colin Firth or Russell Brand, which one would you choose?
Don’t be shy, it’s your birthday.
Michael Murray
PS: Is Gwyneth Paltrow really British?
]]>These are some of the emails of encouragement that I sent–via his 2nd cousin– to Andy over the years:
Andy:
Hey, superstar! It’s your cool cousin Michael Murray, here! Remember me? We met about 20 years ago and I took you on your first Crop Circle hunt.
It was pretty awesome. We got kind of lost, though, and your father had to come and get us in his jeep. Boy, he really has the Murray temper, eh? Anyway, it was too bad about your parents splitting up when you were at such a vulnerable age, but I have to say, we all saw it coming.
By the way, I’m really good at tennis, too. It must run in the family! LOL!! 
Michael Murray
Andy:
I really think that if you want to get better at tennis you’re going to have to improve your first serve percentage.
Michael Murray
PS: I am sure you are very busy so I understand why you haven’t responded. I just want you to know that I’m not at all mad. I don’t have the Murray temper.
PPS: I can think of at least six tennis players who are better than you. You look like a gangly, diminished version of Colin Firth, so you’d really better up your game.
Andy:
Jesus!
I just saw a picture of your girlfriend and I have to say, she is crazy hot! You are really punching above your weight! I mean, shit!
By the way, you should write back. You’re not the king of the world, nor are you better than me just because you’re really rich, good at tennis (try playing me in Scrabble) and have a hot girlfriend.
Michael Murray
PS: I beat Friends star Matthew Perry in tennis. Have you?
Andy:
Wow.
Just wow.
I can’t believe you won Wimbledon. I guess Djokovic was really tired after his semi-final match, because normally he’d beat you pretty easily. By the way, when you “limped” into the crowd after you didn’t lose the championship and started hugging all of your handlers and yes-men, I noticed you avoided your mother. (She really does look like an aging Glenn Close) Was that intentional? Are you still stinging from the divorce?
Remember, it was me who told you that you needed to increase your first serve percentage. Don’t forget that. Don’t forget whose shoulders you’re sitting on as you receive all your glory.
Michael Murray
PS: I always return correspondence, especially if received from my family. We, the Murray’s, are very disappointed in you.
I present to you my work-in-progress, and would be interested in all constructive feedback.
Seattle Mist:
This beguiling scent suggests a woman who is as mysterious and beautiful as the Pacific Northwest itself, and who has reported multiple Bigfoot sightings.
San Diego Seduction:
The woman who wears San Diego Seduction is confident and not afraid to go out and get what she wants, even if it involves a car chase!
Tampa Breeze:
A fine blend of coconut oil and fish, this bewitching fragrance marries the immediacy of the trailer park with the elegance of a Jet Ski.
Philadelphia Passion:
Imagine the energy and street edge of 1970-era Blaxploitation films transformed into a bewitching scent! It should be on the list of every lady on your Christmas list!
Toronto Triumph:
This redolence suggests “curvy, not heavy,” and has delicate traces of barn owl and cinnamon.
Chicago Bliss:
This sassy aroma makes it clear to everybody around that the rips in your jeans are intentional!
Green Bay Chill:
With just a tinge of freezer to serve as an accent, this classic scents asks, “Who wants to eat some cheese?”
Orlando Fantasy:
Like a scene airbrushed onto a van, this scent is unmistakable and vivid, a steady and powerful reminder that fortune favours the bold!
Los Angeles Temptation:
This complex blend is best suited to the sophisticated tastes of a woman who can confidently navigate her way through a world of back tattoos and spray-on tans. It’s a scent that says, “I’m here, look at me!”
Vegas Sin:
All the romance of Bloody Caesars, navel piercings and curry by the pool are distilled into this one intoxicating fragrance. Leave your man begging for more, wear Vegas Sin!
Minnesota Valkyrie:
The Valkyrie woman is playful by nature, enjoying a child-like snowball fight with her man, but make no mistake, she knows how to use a crossbow if her nation calls for it!
Baltimore Charm:
A statement fragrance, the wearer of Baltimore Charm is letting the world know that she is a Twilight fan and that she prefers Edward over Jacob.
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