Fun fact: The name Barbados is derived from the Bearded Fig trees once found in abundance on the island.

Fun fact: There are only three known ghosts on the entire island.

Fun fact: Barbados is the birthplace of Rihanna who lived here until the age of 16.

Fun fact: If a beach hustler with a gold tooth asks you if you want to buy a coconut or a seashell, he might mean cocaine or weed.

Fun fact: Bicyclists in Barbados do not wear helmets and shoes appear optional.

Fun fact: You will only see white women, as if in a movie they once saw, jogging on the beach.

Fun fact: Tiger Woods chose to have his wedding in Barbados in 2004.

Fun fact: Chickens roam as freely on the streets of Barbados as squirrels do in Toronto!

Fun fact: It is embarrassing to have your wife pull you to shore from an undertow when you were pretty sure you didn’t need any help at all, especially when cool looking locals playing dominoes were watching.

Fun fact: The people of Barbados have a long ingrained history of Christian principles.

Fun fact: Homosexuality is illegal in Barbados!

Fun fact: Some women in Barbados dress like superheroes– like those who wear capes and control the weather– for church on Sunday.

Fun fact: The middle-aged British women who sun on the beach all prefer reading crime mysteries to any other genre.

Fun fact: Sand crabs are faster and more perceptive than you’d think.

Fun fact: Finding an artificial flower petal washed-up on a gorgeous, dream beach is entirely dislocating.

Fun fact: The Six Million Dollar man is not a cultural reference widely understood by most Bajans.

Fun fact: Women who look like they might have worked at Coyote Ugly back in the day really enjoy the attention of beach hustlers.

Fun fact: Squid are also known as Seacat in Barbados.

Fun fact: Sometimes it is easy to mistake a night diver’s flashlight exploring the water just beneath the surface for sub-aquatic UFO activity.

Fun fact: In Barbados, one drives on the left side of the road, which is easy to forget, especially if you only have your Learner’s Permit.

Fun fact: Sometimes a monkey, as fast as a demon, will dart in front of your car.

Fun fact: Monkeys are not supernatural and can be killed upon impact with your car.

Fun fact: Monkey deaths are very upsetting.

Fun fact: The monkey face is very human and expressive and it is heartbreaking to see a dying one reach out to you with its little monkey hand on the side of a tropical road.

Fun fact: My wife can’t stop crying and I am pretty sure she now hates me.

I have been a huge fan of yours ever since Winter’s Bone. You are my Ozark Mountains, and our substantial difference in age, looks and talent does not make the purity of my affection creepy. It makes it real, and you Jennifer Lawrence are real. We should be together.

Michael Murray

Dear Jennifer:

I dreamed that you and I were walking along a beach together, holding hands. I was worried that a small sand crab might bite one of your bare feet, but you weren’t. “Hush now, my little turtle, “ you said, the salt air breezing through your hair.

Michael Murray

Dear Jennifer:

I saw you in The Hunger Games and I have to say, “I’m hungry for you!” Haha!  No, that would be creepy and I’m not creepy. Would you come to my birthday party? If the answer is yes, please where a white dress in your next televised appearance, but black if it’s no.

Michael Murray

Dear Jennifer:

I consider myself a feminist and believe in equal rights for women. I just want you to know that. I would fight for your rights.

Michael Murray

PS: Anne Hathaway is a bitch

Dear Jennifer:

I think it’s really cool that you served as an assistant nurse at the summer camp your mother ran while growing up. I tell you, if I was attending that camp, I would have been sick with stomach problems all the time! You should star in a movie about a nurse who falls in love with an older hernia patient and then has a forbidden and torrid affair with him. I have some drawings and notes if you’d like to see them.

Michael Murray

PS: Please send an autographed photograph.

Dear Jennifer:

The other day I had a dream that some breed of super rats were attacking me. I was valiantly fighting them off, but there were too many of them and all I could feel were their horrible teeth and claws slashing at me. And then you came into the room and everything smelled like pumpkins and the rats vanished. Holding hands, we ran together into a forest, the sound of waterfalls in the distance.

Michael Murray