I often pass Hand Job Park as I take our dog Heidi for a walk, and as fate would have it, I’ve become friendly with Billy, one of the men who spends time there.
Because I have really lousy teeth and travel with an oxygen tank, Billy believes that I am a reformed crackhead, and am thus something of an inspiration to him, evidence that you can turn your life around and one day inhabit a beautiful family. As such, he’s always asking me for advice, and I have taken on the unofficial role as Billy’s Life Coach.
Every Sunday, I walk down to the park, talk to him about his week, and give him a written list of daily goals for the next week. This was my last list:
Monday:
Find public fountain and wash clothes.
Scavenge with your head, not your heart. Look for healthy, nutritional garbage opportunities such as a discarded smoothie, for instance!
Say it out loud to yourself, again and again, “My name is Billy and I will Scavenge Smart!”
Walk for at least six hours.
Learn how to tune guitar.
Affirmation of the day: THERE IS A GIFT FOR ME IN EVERYTHING THAT I EXPERIENCE.
Tuesday:
When busking, perhaps do it in front of Shopper’s instead of the liquor store? Why tempt yourself? Remember Billy, GOOD CHOICES.
Stay away from Hyena’s Old Lady. Remember what happened last time she gave you a hand job?
Walk for at least six hours.
Practice guitar for an hour.
Affirmation of the day: THE VOICES IN MY HEAD ARE NOT REAL. I AM IN CONTROL.
Wednesday:
Today I would like you to go some place quiet (perhaps the Green P Carpark) and center yourself with some light stretching and meditation. Be mindful, Billy. Feel the sun upon your skin and hear the birds singing. You are not separate from nature, but are a perfect and integral component of nature.
Surrender to oneness. Think of everything in your life (guitar, Bo Jackson football jersey, etcetera) that you are grateful for and carry that with you throughout the day like it was a weapon in your backpack.
Remember to walk at least six hours.
Practice guitar for an hour.
Affirmation of the day: THE PAST IS OVER AND MY FUTURE IS NOW!
Thursday:
While busking, take an interest in the lives of those passing by. Remember, they’re people, too. However, remember not to take too intense an interest in the lives of the nearby Sorority girls.
Although you may mean “spicy” as a compliment, they may not take it that way.
Just because you’re homeless doesn’t mean you can’t be a part of society. Make inquiries into joining Choir! Choir! Choir!
Walk for six and a half hours.
Practice guitar for one.
Love yourself for twenty-four. : )
Affirmation of the day: EVERY MOMENT I STEP INTO THE WONDERFUL UNKNOWN
Friday:
Treat yourself to a nice wash in a public fountain.
Feel rejuvenated, in love with yourself and the world around you!
As today marks the opening of the Olympic Games in Rio,
why not jazz up business with a Brazilian theme? When strumming your guitar, add some latin flair! Try to scavenge for food that is unique to Brazil, and if one of the voices in your head speaks Portuguese, have a conversation with it!
Today is a reward day, so score some dope or booze if you can and celebrate the beautiful life that is Billy!
Affirmation of the day: REMEMBER TO GIVE HAND JOBS AND NOT JUST RECEIVE THEM!
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Ford, perhaps anticipating all of the apologies he’s going to have to make as part of his 12-step program, is said to have already written one to Stintz:
Dear Karen:
Geez, I can’t tell you how sorry I am for saying that I wanted to fucking jam you. It was inelegant of me, and you are a classy lady who deserves better. In fact, when I get back (I will have a tan and expect to have lost another 30 pounds) I would like to take you out for an elegant dinner at Splendido (Spendido!).
Just the two of us.
On me, not the city.
I can apologize in person and we can talk policy and then you could listen as I explain how business and government work. You are easily the most attractive of my opponents, and it wouldn’t bother me in the least to give a pretty lady like you a little help.
I think it would have been cool if we went to high school together. I was really good at sports, rich and quite a bit thinner than I am now, and I bet we would have gone out. Do you ever think about alternate universes? I do all the time. In one alternate universe I bet we’re together, in an open kind of relationship, and are political dynamos. In another alternate universe I live in California and spend a lot of time on the beach and in another I’m an MMA fighter.
But right now I’m confronting reality head-on. It’s what a man does.
Anyway, now that I’ve wrestled and vanquished my demons, it’s time to forget the past and move forward. I’ve survived a terrible disease now, showing a lot of courage in doing so, and I’m no longer going to be a victim to drug monkeys, the media or left-wing politics. I am going to be a new and improved Rob Ford, slimmer and more deserving of having an affair with a woman like you. I swear, you’re so pretty that you could be a figure skater or a hot sportscaster.
I really respect you, Karen and look forward to working with you in the future!
Cheers,
Rob Ford
At any rate, Rob officially registered to run for re-election on January 2, being the first and so far only candidate to do so. It was at this time that Rob unveiled the official campaign slogan for the October 27th election: Ford more years!
This is where the mayor and I run into a disagreement. I think it’s a bad campaign slogan and that he should have gone with one of the suggestions I made to him during one of our late night brainstorming sessions:
- EVERYTHING IS FINE
- ROB FORD: BRINGING THE NFL TO YOU
- ELITES MAKE ME PUKE
- ROB FORD: THE DARK KNIGHT
- FORD TOUGH
6. ROB FORD: FOR A BIRDLESS TORONTO
7. MOVING FORWARD AND FORDWARD.
8. GET LUCKY.
9. IN FORD WE TRUST
10. ROB FORD: A FORMULA FOR SUCCESS
11. FORDING OUR STRUGGLES TOGETHER
12. ROB FORD: WORKING FOR THE WEEKEND
13. FORD YOU!
14. ROB FORD: SHOOTING THE PAST IN THE HEAD
15. IT’S ROB’S JOB, DAMMIT!
16. A PUSSY IN EVERY POT
17. HOPEFULLY CUTTING THE WASTE/WAIST
18. FORDAPALOOZA
19. ROB FORD: TOO LEGIT TO QUIT (This one has theme music and signature campaign parachute pants)
Black was once a Canadian media tycoon. Nauseatingly epicurean, he employs the most ornate, complex vocabulary available. He does this as if it was the side effect of some medication, like a spasm he can’t control. It drives most people crazy, but Black seems unable to temper it, always hopeful that his erudition and verbal mastery will intimidate and dazzle anybody caught in its bright glare. Really, every time he speaks, you just want to start swinging a lead pipe.
Further, back in 2001 Black got in a spat with the Canadian government over whether he could accept a UK peerage in the British House of Lords that would confer upon him the title Baron Black. He renounced his citizenship over this. Canada was simply too small-minded and parochial for his talents and ambitions so he would leave, soon after getting convicted of fraud in the US where he served nearly four years in prison. Now, at 69, he’s back in Canada co-hosting a TV show on a network called the Zoomer.
Anyway, on Monday he interviewed Rob Ford on the show. It turns out that as they both hate big government and the law, they got on like a publicity hungry house on fire. They were practically combing one another’s hair by the time it was done. The union has been made, and from now on Conrad Black has pledged to serve as Rob Ford’s official mouthpiece, translating whatever our multi-tasking mayor happens to spit out.
This is a sample of some recent Ford quotes and their subsequent reinterpretation by Conrad Black:
Ford Quote: “I’ll rip his fucking throat out, I’ll poke his eyes out … I’ll make sure that motherfucker’s dead! I need ten minutes to make sure he’s dead.”
Blackification: “The villain had best protect his vital regions for my rage is just and unlimited. If I have but 10 minutes with that blackguard, he will know he has encountered a true gentleman, and et factum est in morte.”
Ford Quote: “That is not a crack house. Have you visited the house? Have you walked in the house? No you haven’t.”
Blackification: “ That is not a freebase domicile in which certain elements, those that are distressing to civil society, avail themselves, as they say in the vernacular, to crack, base, rock, iron, cavvy, or any other terms of address. Have you been to this commorancy? Have you navigated through its corridors and rooms? No, you have not, so what right do you have to call it, as you so vulgarly do, “a crack house?”
Ford Quote: “Oh, and the last thing, was Olivia Gondek, it says, I wanted to eat her pussy… have never said that in my life to her.”
Blackification: “ It has been asserted by certain agencies that I told a young woman named Olivia Gondek, pulchritudinous, I am sure, that I wished to stimulate her in a particular fashion, and although I am very adept at such stimulations, I can assure you that no such offer was made.”
Born to Lead
Grade 9
Bob Bord had blond hair and could almost lift the back of a car off the ground. His dad drove a BMW and Bob was the coolest kid in all of the school. His nickname was Boss B! Everything in Bob’s life was amazing except for one thing, Bob thought school completely sucked! It grossed him out, and whenever Bob got mad or bored something really cool happened to him. Do you know what that was? He turned into the Incredible Hulk only instead of being green he was red with blond hair. His rage was great. SMASH, SMASH, SMASH!! He broke the blackboard over the teacher’s head! SMASH, SMASH, SMASH!! All the other prisoners cheered, and then the Incredible Bob Hulk punched a hole in the wall! SMASH, SMASH, SMASH!! All the kids, even the nerd kids, escaped through the hole and then played football. Boss B was quarterback, Caitlin wore her white shorts, and it was awesome.
Sometimes At Night
Grade 10
Sometimes at night I wonder
why some people have so little
and others have so much?
I am strong, rich and good at the shot put,
but other people are poor, weak and bad at sports.
Why is that?
THEY DON’T WANT IT ENOUGH!
My inner voice screams at me,
THEY DON’T WANT IT ENOUGH!
THEY ARE LAZY!!
My inner voice is never wrong!
This truth, like a Rush drum solo pounding in my heart.
Top Gunner
Grade 11
Lieutenant Ross Fordington wasn’t scared of anything, least of all big government or night demons. He was the best pilot in the entire military, even though he liked to do things his own way.
“Get out of my way!” Fordington shouted, “ I don’t need any pencil pusher telling me how to bomb a government-subsidized village!”
Jones, Fordington’s best buddy and wingman, put his steady hand out. “No,” he said to Captain Limp, a washed-out pilot who relied on a bloated salary he didn’t deserve to live a lavish, elite lifestyle and ride a bike. “You’d best leave the Bear alone unless you want a fist in the face!” Limp shriveled up like the small, scared girl he was, and then Fordington went out and bombed the village killing all of his enemies.
After his missions, Fordington was never bothered by night demons. They never haunted or tormented him in the dark hours for the things that he did, and Fordington never, ever woke up screaming and ashamed, soaked in a cold, mortal sweat.
The Night Demons
Grade 13
Fod Rord was a bull of a man. He had a thick, powerful neck, could run fast for his size and was able to throw a football 150 meters. He was also really funny and had lots of money. People loved him and always wanted to come to his pool parties. He had it all.
Until the night demons came.
Sometimes, when Fod was in bed and alone with his thoughts, he’d begin to feel restless, as if somebody, or something, was watching him because he had done bad things. Fod would try to shake it off. He hadn’t done anything wrong! He knew that! That raccoon was a societal leech! Nobody knew if Priynka slipped or was pushed! The gardener could easily have taken that money! Fod knew that he was in the right and that he was strong and destined for great things, but the night demons did not.
Each night they would come to him, their pale, weak faces chattering and asking questions. The night demons, they invaded his privacy, and even when Fod put on his headphones and listened to his greatest football huddles of all time tape, they were still there. They would not go away! They were awful! Because of the night demons Fod would often go out into the night and wander in the wooded area beside his expansive family estate in order to clear his mind. Sometimes he would just yell he was so frustrated. His roars were so terrible and powerful that the birds would suddenly take flight, and Fod would sit down and, not crying, just look up at the moon and the eternal stars that filled the sky.
]]>As it turns out, Rob Ford, Toronto’s embattled, fiscally conservative, crack-smoking mayor is amongst those who have applied for this one-way ticket to the future.
This is his application.
Tell us a little about yourself:
My name is Rob Ford and I’m still mayor of Toronto, one of North America’s largest cities and greatest sport’s towns!! You might have heard of the Toronto Maple Leafs, the CN Tower or maybe some lies that the media made up about me. We’re pretty big-city here.
Anyway, I’m an alpha male, big and powerful, like a lumberjack or a white football player who ferociously protects his QB; loyal, not stubborn. I’m a straight-shooting son of gun who tells it like it is, and I like to have a good time. Let me tell you, you’ll always know when the Big Dog is in the house because there’ll never be a dull or non-confrontational moment! I will bring the energy and flat-out RAWK the Martian Mansion! I am a walking exclamation point!!! Think Snooki times six!
I’m also straight. The idea of guys kissing grosses me out. They can do what they want underground or wherever, but when it’s in front of me, I need them to show some respect.
I’m really into the ladies, am likely still able to father children and would be totally open to any romantic entanglements that might develop on Mars. I think everybody should have a shot at love, even if it’s on a different planet far away from your wife that you’ve been married to for a like a billion years. Personally, I like blondes the best, blondes like Seven of Nine from Star Trek: Voyager and Jessica Simpson. Hell, I don’t care that Jessica Simpson went out and put on some weight from drinking and having a baby! She was under a lot of stress, which I completely and totally understand, so if Jessie put on a few, big whoop, it just means there’s more for me!
Favourite movie: A Clockwork Orange
Favourite city: Chicago
Favourite band: Triumph
Tell us why you’d like to go to Mars:
My favourite colour is red. LOL!! I’m just kidding. (I have a really good sense of humour and could really boost the spirits of the other pioneers, and keep our massive viewing audience laughing.)
But seriously, Commander Chris Hadfield, the Canadian who was up in the International Space Station Tweeting back to earth, has inspired me to want to become an astronaut. I could totally do what he did.
Here are some of my sample Tweets:
“From space, Chicago is an intricate tapestry of partying lights.”
“Who let the dogs out? Rob! Rob! Rob!”
“The Earth, small and blue and beautiful in eternal, floating silence.”
“Quietly, like a night bird, floating, soaring, wingless, I can blot you out with my thumb.”
Anyway, Hadfield is like a saint around here and can’t do anything wrong. The media, who tell lies about me and hunt me like I was a big, beautiful wild animal, think that everything he does is right and everything that I do sucks and instantly turns to crap. They’re trying to tackle me, the media, and that’s not fair. Earth people are negative all the time, and just don’t get Rob Ford. I think I’d like to get off this little blue bean and take on the challenge of colonizing a new, media-free planet.
I’m not scared to kill things with my hands if that’s what it takes to live on Mars.
If I can quote, “I’m not the man they think I am at home
Oh, no, no, no, I’m a rocket man.”
Also, I believe very strongly in free enterprise and would friggin’ love to start a brand-new economy that has no bureaucrats and very little municipal governance. That would be a dream, that and coaching football again. I would LOVE to be the greatest football coach in Martian history, and one day, I would hope to become mayor of Mars, too, or rather, my district of Mars.
I was built for space.
Rob Ford
PS: The rumors that I was rejected for “Celebrity Apprentice” are ridiculous.
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