As many of you know, Rob and I were enrolled at Carleton University in Ottawa at the same time, and it was at a local pub—Tiddlers—where we became last call drinking acquaintances. We’ve stayed in a weird contact over the years, frequently messaging one another when up late and partying alone. This is my most recent correspondence with the mayor, which took place sometime after two in the morning on Wednesday.
Rob: FORD NATION KNOCKING!!!
Me: Rob!!
Rob: BRAIN ON FIRE! All sorts of ideas!! Need quick feedback!!
Me: You always make me feel like I’m on a game show, love it!
Rob: The Quebec charter of values thing, you know, where the French people say you’re not allowed to wear the jew hat and stuff? I like it.
Me: If you don’t stand for something, you’ll fall for anything!
Rob: Damn straight! I’m free market, not going to tell people what they can’t do, but if you live in Ford Nation, you’re going to have to walk the walk, get it? If you have to be a weirdo and ride a bicycle, then you have to wear an Argo’s jersey when you do it.
Me: It’s brilliant, Rob, it can’t miss! What happens if you’re culturally un-Ford Nation and exploit a public resource like a library?
Rob: You got to see Iron Man III and eat a Cronut burger.
Me: And then wear the t-shirt, “ I survived the Cronut Burger! Ford For Mayor 2014!”
Rob: Yeah!! Ford Nation: Not as diverse as you’d think.
Me: How about, Ford Nation: Strength in Unity?
Rob: Love it!!! Man, you really GET the heart of Ford Nation! I miss having these late night jam sessions in person!
Me: Me, too, big guy, me, too.
Rob: Know what else I miss?
Me: Tiddlers!
Rob: Tiddlers RULZ!!!!! But dude, I miss Frosh Week. I could fucken live in Frosh Week. I would take my vacations there if I could. Fuck Florida!!
Me: Frosh Week was awesome. But look, what happens to vegans? They’re not Ford Nation at all.
Rob: If you want to be vegan and live in Ford Nation, then you have to be a stripper once a week, too. Don’t care about their religion. Chicks only, tho.
Me: What if somebody isn’t a man of the people? You know, not the type to go to visit people in public housing and put campaign stickers on their door frames?
Rob: Oh! Just got another idea!
Me: Great!
Rob: My fantasy hockey team?
Me: Yeah?
Rob: Gonna call it, Everybody’s Twerking For The Weekend! After the Loverboy song!
Me: Genius.
Rob: Honest, I think it’s the best thing I ever thought of.
Me: Me, too.
Rob: Hey, you see those pictures of that bear chasing the bison down the highway?
Me: Yeah.
Rob: You the bear or the bison?
Me: Not sure. You?
Rob: Both, little buddy, both.
Rob: You hear about the fucking cronut burger????
Me: It’s all anybody in Toronto can talk about!!
Rob: It’s a fucking doughnut that’s been bred with a croissant and a bacon cheeseburger! I want to eat about seven of them!
Me: It’s made 100 people sick! The city (YOU) shut down the stand at the CNE!
Rob: No way! That doesn’t sound like the free market! Gonna fuckin’ look into that. Gotta let the people decide.
Me: I love the word cronut.
Rob: I love being drunk.
Me: Me, too, buddy, me, too.
Rob: Cronut, it sounds like the fart noise you make after you drink chocolate milk.
Me: It sounds like the name of a military transport vehicle.
Rob: Or like the sound of fucking Hulk Hogan’s arm breaking when I arm wrestle him on Friday!!!
Me: You really doing that?
Rob: It’s what Da Mayor’s got to do. Can’t back down from bullies. Rule numero uno. It’s good fuckin’ governance.
Me: You should get him to eat a cronut before the match so he’s poisoned and weak.
Rob: Good thinking, gonna get my people on that, make a cronut task force. Get special cronuts for Hogan. He’s a bitch.
Me: He’s a big bitch
Rob: Like his daughter, tho. She be spicy! Anyway, I like this cronut game. Let’s keep playing!
Me: Cronut: A verb, slang for shitting the bed.
Rob: LOLLOLOLOLOLOLLLOO!!!
Me: The Cronuts: the name of an Improv comedy troupe.
Rob: Cronut: the sound your head makes when ur really drunk and you fall down!
Me: Saint Cronut: The patron saint of irony.
Rob: Cronut: The sound two reporter’s heads make when you fucking bash ‘em together!
Me: Cronut: The traditional Serbian ceremony performed when a boy passes into manhood.
Rob: Getting a cronut: What you say when you mean you’re going out to score drugs!
Me: My Little Cronut: A pet name for your lover.
Rob: Rusty Old Crunut: What you call a crack whore.
Me: Okay, I gotta go to bed. Rob, great chatting with you, and remember, you’re just governing the shit out of this city. Keep up the good work!
Rob: Don’t I know it! Alright, think I’m gonna go get me a cronut right now, gotta stay alert, get some of the cronuts for my arm wrestling thing! Fuck Hulk Hogan!!! Fuck him!!! Wonder if his daughter will be there?
