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Heidi head of pack security.

She a natural.

Heidi very fierce, think fast and so quick on feet it make you think maybe ghost in your head. Heidi so mean she make medicine sick. Death jaws can crush full soup cans. You think you can hide from Heidi? Wrong! Heidi smell all. You dig hole to hide, Heidi find hole and dig up hole, Heidi relentless. Heidi kill 6 mice and too many fly to count.

So, so many dead fly.

Chomp.

Fly dead.

Not know what hit them.

Heidi hit them, bro.

Heidi believe in freedom.

Heidi always on guard.

Heidi live free or die.

You should know Heidi pack now larger. Heidi job very important. There was summer litter in den. There is now new two-legger in pack with messy face that always need licking. Small and chubby. Can’t move, just fall forward and make bird sounds. Useless.

Little-legger only cry and bring attention to pack location. Always putting food at risk. Messy face make pack very soft target. Up to Heidi to be extra vigilant and do surveillance at back door. Heidi study shapes and shadow, bark at noise and charge like lion dinosaur to fight all intruders.

Serious stuff.

Biggest threat to security?

Squirrels.

Heidi hate squirrels with fury and passion.

Squirrels think they big shot because can dart quickly and tree fly, but not big shot! Just rat with bushy tail. Squirrel so stupid can’t even wag bushy tail. Just stick tail up in air like surrender flag! Squirrels, filthy, depraved and immoral tribe of cowards who will sneak into pack den and steal kennel or Captain Crunch cereal when napping after long day of guarding, licking and barking.

Heidi would kill every dirty squirrel in world and then wag wag wag tail as she watched them burn in hellfire for eternity.

But just to be clear, Heidi not bigot.

Heidi think all animal equal.

But squirrels evil.

Heidi just know the truth.

Heidi hate, hate, hate squirrels.

You don’t like it, you de-friend Heidi.

Heidi don’t care.

This squirrel on Heidi Most Wanted List.

Very, very fat squirrel. He grey, the colour of giving up. Heidi never give up. Heidi black like eternal night and tan like good suede. Heidi stare at squirrel. Mean, death stare. In this picture, taken by surveillance camera just before Heidi was about to attack, disgusting squirrel have boner. So gross and creepy! Squirrel boner worst thing in world!! And then squirrel begin to interfere with self!! So gross-out Heidi turn away to vomit, and when she do, fat boner squirrel go into Heidi den and steal Macadamia nuts from pantry!! MACADAMIA NUTS VERY EXPENSIVE!! Heidi don’t want to know what else sex offender squirrel do, but Heidi vow to kill sex offender squirrel!! Rip to pieces and make necklace from squirrel claws.

If you see this squirrel, report to Heidi immediately!

Very, very bad squirrel!!

I recently sent him some Medieval manuscript images that I found online and asked him to explain them to me. These are the results:

You should think of the images of the illuminated manuscripts of the 8^th to the 15^th century as the Instagram of the day. In this particular “post” we see a Medieval version of the Kardashian sisters as they conjure magical spells while encircling a tree. These young women are almost certainly witches, and when the community uncovered their black magic, they would have surely been tied to wild horses and torn apart while the townsfolk cheered and threw potatoes. (Note the surgically enhanced breasts. The cosmetic surgeons of the day used to insert clay molds beneath the skin in order to achieve the desired shape. Mortality rates were very high with this procedure. )

This is a highly skilled depiction of some very put-out dogs standing in a field. One of the dogs, the white one with the regal collar around its neck and the small erection, looks slightly ashamed. He likely offended the commoner dogs (note the mottled colours and blunt expressions that characterize the serf animals) by questioning their religious values and then attempting to rape them. Think of this panel as one that prefigures Cute Overload.

Monks did more than just illuminate manuscripts. For recreation they played other monasteries in a Medieval version of Ultimate. Of course, a frisbee had not yet been invented, so the monks used a scapula, also known as a human shoulder blade. These were festive occasions for the monks, characterized by excessive drinking (They brewed beer, too) and the ribald singing of team songs. This image of the bat is the team crest of the Carthusian Bats, a formidable franchise known for their vows of silence and ferocity on the field.

This is the equivalent of a Medieval paparazzi shot or stolen cell phone photo. It captures the King and Queen in an unguarded and intimate moment as they enjoy a hot tub. The Queen, obviously spent after intercourse in the hot water, catches her breath, while the robust King, carrying his Holy Ejaculate Saucer, heads off to enjoy the pleasures of his many concubines. This image should be thought of as one you might find on 4chan.

The beatified and sacred have gathered in this image for an annual event in which awards are given out to the holy. It happened once a year, was very secretive, and is vaguely analogous to the Academy Awards. The holy would each have a vote, which they cast in private, on such categories as, “Best Performance While Living Atop A Pillar,” or “Most Holy Self-Flagelator Of The Year.” It was very much looked forward to by the participants, and they all hoped to win, even if they took a public stance of humility and abasement—just look at the attention they paid to their wardrobe for this event.

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Heidi been really fucking cold all winter.

Really, really bad.

Heidi not have big, messy coat of fur, all ragged and knotted and ugly, but very neat, sheer coat that perfectly outline Heidi’s athletic body. Think tights, but only for all of Heidi. Very sexy.

Bad part about having crazy sexy coat of fur is it not very warm! Heidi cold all the time. Not superficial cold, like cat, but real, to the bone dog cold. Heidi shiver. Want to live in sun! Can’t stop shaking, and then squirrels think Heidi scared, but Heidi not scared, Heidi never scared! Heidi just really, horrible ice cold!!  Heidi really hate stupid squirrels. All so fat right now. No pride in appearance. Heidi never let herself go like squirrels. Squirrels just tree garbage.

Cold really ruining quality of Heidi’s life, so said, “screw it,” and went out and bought a Canada Goose parka. It red.

Make Heidi look a little fat, but Heidi as cozy as if wrapped in duvet! Best thing ever! Make Heidi happy!

Heidi out for walk the other day in new parka and see all sorts of two-leggers in line. Angry two-leggers. Holding tree bits and yelling as if everything they see was a Bad Dog!!

And then they look at Heidi and they yell at Heidi!! Why?! Why yell at Heidi!? Heidi Good Dog!! Turn out two-leggers mad because Heidi have parka that keep her warm! Say Heidi cruel and kill coyote for jacket fur!

Heidi hate coyotes! Very happy to kill coyote!! Heidi see coyote once when walking in woods and OMG it was so scary Heidi almost peed!! Heidi just froze! Only tim Heidi EVER scared! Didn’t know what to do! Real nightmare.

Coyote love to kill Dachshund! It is coyote favourite thing! And coyote gang-up, hunt in numbers so not fair! Heidi fight like a dog, one on one, but not coyote!! Coyote have no mercy, no honour, just kill, kill, kill, so Heidi not feel bad for one second for killing coyote to stay warm! So Heidi bark at two-leggers and snarl, and two-leggers flinch and suddenly smell like fear! Ha! Heidi not even have good mobility because of parka, but still they terrified! It good to be Heidi.

Heidi write this post specifically for disgusting fur-slut that go by the slave name of Grumpy Cat!

Grumpy Cat, you an embarrassment to dignity of all four-leggers and should be devoured by the evil birds and dangerous machines!

You make Heidi throw-up! Heid throw-up so bad she no even want to lick it up after, that how bad you make Heidi feel! You a cat that living a lie, you really, really bad cat! You too stupid to even know how to fetch, but you make $100 million?! You hack, Grumpy Cat, you hack that evidence of all that wrong in world of two-legger, proof that they weird fetish cult that worship cat! Heidi have more talent in one tail wag than you have in entire repertoire!

Can you play fetch?

Can you save Timmy if Timmy fall in well?

Can you scare off intruder with ferocious bark?

Thought not Grumpy Cat.

Heidi can do all three, and Heidi pretty!

Heidi triple threat! All you can do is be homely! Very, very plain cat. You one note wonder, Grumpy Cat, you flash in the pan, and soon be ugly hustler on street licking disease fur of other animals for crack and milk!

You loser.

Should call you Homely Cat, not Grumpy Cat!

Remember, Heidi real talent, not you! Heidi should be in movie! Can’t believe you have movie, Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever!

Heidi say you worse Christmas ever! Stupid movie supposed to be cross between Home Alone and Die Hard, only starring ugly, stupid cat who not know how to play fetch or kill badger. Sure hope there scene in which ugly stupid cat have to run over broken glass like in original Die Hard!

You no fucking Bruce Willis, Homely Cat, that for sure.

You should know Heidi writing screenplay. Working title:

Fetch This: The Reckoning.

David Fincher interested in directing, he think Heidi good dog, very cute dog with great charisma and action star potential. Thinks with all trouble Jennifer Lawrence have with naked sex pics that Heidi could be America’s Next Sweetheart!

You probably have some hack direct your movie-of-the-week shit fest!

You suck, Homely Cat, and Heidi know that your real name is Tardar Sauce! Ha! More like Retarded Sauce! That you! Retarded Sauce! Heidi also know that even though cats makes big deal about killing mice, killing mice is easy! Mice are tiny!! Try killing Badger, Homely Cat, that hard work!!

You nothing but a bitch, Homely Cat. Heidi cut you if Heidi see you.

Heidi hate you.

Heidi

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Heidi always great hunter.

So confident and self-assured in skills of death-making that Heidi never feel need to show off. Heidi no show-boater! Heidi hate show-boaters!

Cats biggest show-boaters in universe! Heidi not kidding, she really, really hate cats. So arrogant!!

Heidi lost train of thought.

Heidi hungry.

Hope meat for dinner.

Meat and meat fat.

Oh! Heidi hate cats! When cats get lucky and accidentally kill mouse, make big deal of it! Like they just won Olympic gold medal! Cats parade about with mouse in stupid mouth, and like big suck they are, put dead thing at feet of everyone in pack as if to say, “Look what great cat did!” No class at all. Make Heidi want to barf.

Heidi kill mouse the other day.

No big deal.

Heidi crunch-blood kill mouse, Heidi eat mouse.

Simple.

However, Heidi now have bad dreams.

Ghost mouse come to haunt Heidi in her sleep.

Dream #1

Heidi chasing ball. In the zone. Always know where ball is going, always get ball. Ears blowing in wind, smell of grass and leaves and dead things everywhere! Practically out of body experience! Perfect day! And then ball turns into mouse, only mouse the size of Boarder Collie, and then Heidi turn into ball and giant mouse chasing Heidi! Very scary.

Dream #2

Heidi on her blanket, but somehow not quite her blanket. Strange, but Heidi decide to burrow anyway, and once Heidi under weird blanket and starting to feel safe, realize she is inside giant mouse and can’t get out!! Heidi wake up barking, feel off all day until hear kibble hit bowl. Always hits the reset button, that.

Dream #3

Heidi alone in long, green field. Feeling very contemplative, thinking of parents Heidi never knew, of all Heidi accomplished at 9, all she still hoped to accomplish, and then far away on the horizon see Mickey Mouse. Mickey Mouse waving at Heidi. And Heidi know that Mickey Mouse is death.

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Heidi very sad.

Things not good.

All sky falling wet and grey, everything smell of cat.

Frostie the Snow Goat is gone.

Although Frostie did not live long, Frostie lived cute. Not how many breaths Frostie took, but how many times Frostie took breath away with cuteness! Now Heidi know she VERY, VERY cute, but Frostie took cute to different level. Frostie made wheelchair work for him! Most animal in wheelchair just look weak, like can’t defend meat or kill squirrel, but Frostie make you want to give him your meat! Very rare talent! When Frostie wear hoodie, not look like gimmick, look like real deal, like Frostie just want to stay warm!

Frostie was true fashion prodigy, Heidi think Frosty Lady Di of Snow Goats!

Frostie our candle in the wind.

When Frostie got rid of wheelchair, he showed us that he not need props to be cute. He have natural charisma and when Heidi see Frostie, cannot take eye off Frostie! Like when hunting, only instead of wanting to kill and eat red blood of Frostie, want to hug and cuddle Frostie! So cute!!!

Frostie was great inspiration to Heidi, always showing her new ways to maximize cuteness. Although Frostie only live two months, Frostie prove to be great leader, even Alpha. Heidi hurt so much right now, so very, very much, no meat steak or fetch can fill the emptiness Heidi feel inside.

Heidi need a minute.

Just want to say, Frostie good goat, very, very good goat!

LC!

Heidi Maynard-Murray

We are sad to announce that Crasher Squirrel was killed on Friday after a truck backed over him while he was trying to retrieve a pizza crust that had been left in a parking lot. May the Rainbow Bridge carry you home, sweet squirrel.

Darwin, who shot to fame in 2012 while wandering a parking lot in Toronto wearing a faux-Shearling coat, was found dead on Tuesday night. Known as the Ikea Monkey, Darwin was a sweet and fashion forward monkey who excelled at flinging pillows and masturbating. The absence of his playful, luminous presence will leave a hole that can never be filled. Dangles, Darwin’s life partner of 2 weeks, is asking that in lieu of flowers donations be made toward a banana tree to be planted in Darwin’s memory.

Chris P. Bacon passed away in a drowning accident on July 2. This wheelchair bound piglet– who had just recently signed a three book deal and had almost 5, 000 followers on Twitter– will leave behind a tremendous legacy of fortitude, inspiration and cuteness. Although he did not have the use of his back legs, he more than made up for that with his tiny, super cute heart. Any donations toward further research for safer, airbag equipped piglet wheelchairs are much appreciated.  He was a delicious and beautiful pig.

It pretty big deal, but Heidi very strong pack leader and bounce back in no time, but still, make you think. Heidi no longer young dog. Heidi six.

Heidi think about her life and realize Heidi make a lot of bad decisions. No know why so many bad decisions but seem to happen all the time, and Heidi must now take ownership of this! Heidi have capacity to grow!!

Cheeseburger. When Heidi see cheeseburger she lose control and fight to steal cheeseburger. Not even thinking. Just cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger. When Heidi try to take cheeseburger this always make two-legged treat-givers mad and they yell, “ BAD DOG, HEIDI, BAD DOG, NO, NO, BAD DOG!!” But Heidi never listen and steal cheeseburger and eat it in quick, greed bites!! Taste so good!! But later Heidi always have belly ache, maybe stealing cheeseburger is bad decision? Heidi not sure. Have to look inside herself.

Jupiter. Jupiter stud Doberman Pinscher Heidi sometimes see. Jupiter very hot. To watch Jupiter play fetch is to lose yourself in beautiful clouds of meat! And Jupiter just smell, you know, like Alpha Dog! So dreamy! Heidi do things with Jupiter Heidi not proud of, things that make Heidi feel shame, and Jupiter always treat Heidi like just another slut dog! Jupiter no respect Heidi, just using her! Heidi think sex with Jupiter might be bad decision. Next time, just say no to Jupiter, see how he treat Heidi after that!

Holes. Heidi not sure why always putting head in holes. Heidi never know what in hole. Sometimes horrible thing in hole! Bad decision to just put head in hole. Heidi need to work on impulse control. Heidi will take ownership. Begin to change life.

Heidi also think it bad decision to bark and chase Sparkles. Sparkles Siamese cat that live down street and is pure evil!! Heidi on slave leash with two-legged four-eyed treat giver and when Heidi bark, Sparkles just attack like fur lightning! Nothing Heidi can do! Heidi handicapped and can’t run or bite, and Sparkles always think he so strong and tough and smart but not strong and tough and smart! Just ugly, stupid cat-face! Heidi so hate Sparkles! Heidi like to rip Sparkles into million pieces!!! Heidi would play fetch with Sparkles head. Heidi fucking kill Sparkles a thousand blood times over and over again!! Heidi very upset. Must go to calm place.

What follows is Rob Ford’s response:

“The pandas? What do I think of the pandas? I think I goddamn love pandas!! (Takes reporter and places him in genial headlock while giving him a Noogie.) Ah, just fudging around, look, to be serious with ya for a second though, I got to say that I’ve always related to the panda. They’re big, strong and fiercely committed to their people, just like football players.

And you know, they’ve always got the eye black on, so you just know that they’re ready to go into battle. I’d be proud to go into battle with an army of pandas, and Jesus, if I had a team of football playing pandas we’d be as undefeatable as the free market! Just think about it. We wouldn’t lose a single game. Not. A. Single. Fucking. One.

Anyway, I have to give props to our communist Chinese friends for loaning us these pandas and letting them live in freedom for a few years. Hopefully, once the pandas get a taste for the independent, small government, big city dynamo that is Toronto– it’ll really get them turned-on. Guns ‘N’ Roses turned-on. Toronto is like an awesome guitar solo, you know?  Toronto will make the pandas hot, really hot, feeling all sexy like they’re watching a yoga class!  Does it to me everyday. The city girl make me hot, man, hot, sweaty hot. But Geez, it’s hard to imagine that pandas don’t like sex, but it’s a fact of science. Weird, that. So it’s my hope that Er Shawn is like the Jennifer Aniston of pandas and Dammy can’t keep his paws off of her. It’ll be Panda Time all the time, and we’ll become an industry leader in panda breeding. That means more jobs. More jobs for people who never even dreamed that they might one day get to see panda sex. (High-five)

Toronto is the city, stinkin’ rich in Asian culture and with a great Chinatown full of real cheap eats (and a spitting problem that I will take care of) where dreams can come true.  We’ll be known as panda city and we’ll have those little warrior bears all over the place! It’ll be so cute it’ll make you barf, and listen, I bet you my bottom dollar, that when my fucking downtown fucking casino opens, that the whores will be two for one and that all those baby pandas will clean up the raccoon problem that has plagued this city for years! If I, or any of my constituents have raccoon shit in their eaves troughs again, the whole frigging species is going get it. Raccoons, consider yourself on watch because Rob Ford and the pandas have a plan, and you aren’t in that plan.

And you know, this might sound all freaky or something, but I’ve had a lot of funny dreams involving pandas. Can’t quite explain it. I once wore a panda mask on Chat Roulette, didn’t even know why. Saw the video after the fact. Anyway, seems like fate that my city is going to be the city of panda sex–wild, eh? ”

Based on the old New York Times Photo series, What They Were Thinking, I came up with an idea to post the unflattering picture of Ford before it made a splash, and have the Mayor, in his own words, tell the public exactly what he was thinking the moment the photograph was snapped. This way, we would be ahead of the envelope and we could see the inner, vulnerable Mayor.

This photograph, taken late Thursday night at a CJPAC event, shows the Mayor kindly posing for a photograph with a fan.

What The Mayor Was Thinking:

“Well, it was International Woman’s Day, so I was thinking about all the amazing contributions women have made to the world. If it weren’t for women, I don’t think that there would be any cookies, babies, or lingerie football, and I bet Cute Overload would have tanked. There’s tons of other stuff, too, and I was thinking about that, also. I mean, women have written books and starred in movies, there have even been lady Mayors! It’s amazing, when you think about it, and I was considering all of it, the sorts of make-out music they like and how they’re scared of spiders. I was really feeling the lady vibe right then. Like, the way that they smell, the way they feel, and the way that their voices are higher and softer than your own—it’s just so cool. You know, Jessica Alba, Jennifer Aniston, The Kardashians, Jennifer Lawrence, Pamela Anderson, hell, even Lindsay Lohan, and Scarlett Johansson, yeah, her big time…The list just goes on and on. Women are fucking awesome, and I really like it when they’re around, especially when I’m feeling a little lonely, and believe me, even a big, cool Mayor like me gets lonely from time to time.”

*Late on Thursday night while at a CJPAC event, Sarah Thomson, a former candidate for Mayor, posted the photograph of Rob and her at the function, stating that he said she should have been in Florida with him last week because his wife wasn’t there and then grabbed her ass.