It pretty big deal, but Heidi very strong pack leader and bounce back in no time, but still, make you think. Heidi no longer young dog. Heidi six.

Heidi think about her life and realize Heidi make a lot of bad decisions. No know why so many bad decisions but seem to happen all the time, and Heidi must now take ownership of this! Heidi have capacity to grow!!

Cheeseburger. When Heidi see cheeseburger she lose control and fight to steal cheeseburger. Not even thinking. Just cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger. When Heidi try to take cheeseburger this always make two-legged treat-givers mad and they yell, “ BAD DOG, HEIDI, BAD DOG, NO, NO, BAD DOG!!” But Heidi never listen and steal cheeseburger and eat it in quick, greed bites!! Taste so good!! But later Heidi always have belly ache, maybe stealing cheeseburger is bad decision? Heidi not sure. Have to look inside herself.

Jupiter. Jupiter stud Doberman Pinscher Heidi sometimes see. Jupiter very hot. To watch Jupiter play fetch is to lose yourself in beautiful clouds of meat! And Jupiter just smell, you know, like Alpha Dog! So dreamy! Heidi do things with Jupiter Heidi not proud of, things that make Heidi feel shame, and Jupiter always treat Heidi like just another slut dog! Jupiter no respect Heidi, just using her! Heidi think sex with Jupiter might be bad decision. Next time, just say no to Jupiter, see how he treat Heidi after that!

Holes. Heidi not sure why always putting head in holes. Heidi never know what in hole. Sometimes horrible thing in hole! Bad decision to just put head in hole. Heidi need to work on impulse control. Heidi will take ownership. Begin to change life.

Heidi also think it bad decision to bark and chase Sparkles. Sparkles Siamese cat that live down street and is pure evil!! Heidi on slave leash with two-legged four-eyed treat giver and when Heidi bark, Sparkles just attack like fur lightning! Nothing Heidi can do! Heidi handicapped and can’t run or bite, and Sparkles always think he so strong and tough and smart but not strong and tough and smart! Just ugly, stupid cat-face! Heidi so hate Sparkles! Heidi like to rip Sparkles into million pieces!!! Heidi would play fetch with Sparkles head. Heidi fucking kill Sparkles a thousand blood times over and over again!! Heidi very upset. Must go to calm place.

I was left a little puzzled by it all, slightly dazzled, even. I understand how she had her arms full, particularly if she had aggressive dogs but still, it just seemed so presumptive and impersonal, like her life were an arrow around which the rest of the world– little more than white noise– must part.

I wondered if I might be like that, too. Recently, our dog, a Miniature Dachshund, had urgent back surgery. It’s a very expensive procedure, and the amount of money we spent on that could have been spent elsewhere. After all, there are people who can’t afford back surgery, who can’t afford AIDS medication or a place to live, but we chose to spend the money on our pet—a creature some might describe as a servant whose job is to love. Whether this was an ethical expenditure or not is something worth sitting down and thinking about, as we have, and whatever the arguments one might make, we were simply called to do so—it was an instinctive response to love.

I was rolling all of this over as we continued up the street, thinking about entitlements, privilege, exclusion and the monetary valuation of life, eventually coming across a homeless woman in front of the LCBO. She’s a woman I’m friendly with, and due to Heidi’s surgery we hadn’t been out in a few weeks, and this woman—to whom we could have given the money we spent on Heidi’s surgery– hadn’t seen us in quite a while. She was overjoyed to see us and it was as if she was some sort of saint placed there to address my doubts. She began to praise Heidi for her beauty and silky coat, telling me how happy it made whenever she saw us walking up the street. “It’s like a little beam of light shining into my day,” she said, “yes, aren’t you a little beam of light,” she continued, nuzzling her nose next to Heidi’s. And at that moment it began to snow, so soft and lovely, that it felt a blessing of the moment rather than an accident of nature.