He’s got great potential as a baseball player and as a family provider, and he also happens to be a cute Jewish boy. For a multitude of reasons this makes him one of the most eligible bachelors in NYC, and one of the women jumping on the Ike train is my friend Yael, who happens to love the Mets, live in Brooklyn and be a member of the Jewish faith. She has asked me if I would write a letter to Ike on her behalf, with the hope that I might be able to help arrange an everlasting and blissful union.

April 2, 2012

Dear Ike:

First of all, I want you to know what a big fan I am of yours. I am hoping that under the power of your bat my fantasy baseball team, A Fury of Pigeons, will claim the championship this year. You are the wind beneath our wings.

Of course, it’s not just time for you to step up on the baseball field, but in your family life, too. You’re not getting any younger, and as your past has reflected, you’re injury prone. I mean, your ruggedly handsome face could easily be broken in half by a foul ball or you could acquire a disfiguring venereal disease from a groupie and then where would you be? You’d be single and childless, Ike, single and childless. And then you’d die. No heaven or anything.  And so, I would suggest to you that it’s time to settle down with a nice Jewish girl.

Her name is Yael, and although she is older than you and has an unusual genetic condition that prevents her body from growing finger or toenails, she is an avid baseball fan and has dressed up as Mister Met for 13 Halloween’s in a row.

She’s pretty tall, can play the guitar a bit and is both a lawyer and a writer. Think about those last two attributes.

As a pro athlete, it’s inevitable that you will eventually be caught urinating in a public drinking fountain or while drunk, crashing your Escalade into a woman training a guide dog. Such accidents are inevitable in the warrior culture of pro sports. Yael can use her professional skills to combat these infringements on your personal liberties and by implementing her writing skills can serve as an awesome PR machine spinning everything you do into humanitarian victories

But where’s the romance in that you might ask?

Well Ike, as you’re known to have ++ power, Yael has the ++ looks. It’s her ass, her ass will make you drop your bat.

Former Mets Darryl Strawberry, Wally Backman and Howard Johnson can serve as references should you have any questions about her adventurous, liberal, fertile and sometimes unpredictable nature. She’s very spontaneous, but also very reliable—like a good, cut fastball.

Yes, if she were a pitch, she’d be a good, cut fastball.

However, you should know that she is scared of spiders, overpasses and is an intellectual. These are small matters in the big picture, and I’m sure that the two of you could over come these problems. So what do you say, Ike, are you ready to give love a chance?

Michael Murray

PS: Yael carries some debt from law school.