and he just won the race to become the Ontario leader of the Progressive Conservative party after a controversial election. This is his acceptance speech:
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Thank you, thank you!
Thanks.
Hey, let’s give it up for The Dream Police, the best goddamn Cheap Trick tribute band in the entire GTA!!
Okay, okay, I know you’re all excited, but let’s bring it down a bit.
Now.
We can bring it down NOW.
I SAID BE QUIET DAMMIT
I MEAN IT
YOU DO NOT EVEN KNOW HOW MUCH I MEAN IT
Ok, that’s better.
Well my friends, thank you for coming this evening.
Tonight we took the first step in defeating our opposition. The people of Ontario want the crappy Ontario Liberals cleansed from government, and I am more than happy to be the man to deliver that enema!
JESUS H CHRIST YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME
ARE YOU CHEWING GUM
YES, YOU IN THE FRONT ROW
YOU KNOW DAMN WELL I’M TALKING TO YOU
DO YOU SEE ANYBODY ELSE CHEWING GUM
SWEET CAROLINE DONT MAKE ME COME DOWN THERE BECAUSE I WILL AND I WILL TEAR THAT GUM OUT OF YOUR MOUTH LIKE IT WAS A TONGUE FROM AN ALBANIAN PIG…
Okay.
As I was saying, I want to thank my beautiful wife Karla, my girls, my whole family, and my brother, Rob upstairs. He was incredible. He sacrificed so much for the little man.
Rob, my brother, you always stood by me, you were my rock. I wouldn’t be standing here without your support. And to my incredible team, you were absolutely amazing, your dedication to our cause made this possible. The hard-working people of Ontario, I am truly humbled, very humbled, by your support. You are the ones who kept me going, you are the reason I am here.
We have a lot of work to do before the next campaign. We have a lot to do in a very short amount of time. But I promise you this. I will get our party back on track. We will put a platform forward that speaks to every Ontarian. Together we will return our province to where it belongs. We will make Ontario the leader of jobs and growth in Canada. I’ve said before and I’ll say it again: Ontario will be open for business.
Nine to five.
Every single day of the week except Sunday.
Just like our family business Deco Labels and Tags.
We were always ready to serve the public. Always.
Does that sound like white privilege to you?
I didn’t think so.
YOU BETTER BE FUCKING KIDDING ME
AGAIN WITH THE GUM
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU
DO YOU HAVE A MEDICAL CONDITION WHERE YOU HAVE TO CHEW GUM LIKE A MORON WHENEVER A MAN OF THE PEOPLE IS MAKING A SPEECH
HAVE YOU BEEN ON OPRAH TO TALK ABOUT YOUR CONDITION YET
HOW ITS IMPACTED YOUR LIFE
BUDDY I AM ABOUT TO IMPACT YOUR LIFE LIKE A GODDAMN METEOR
Yeah, that’s better, you just put that gum away.
Snowflake.
Friends, it’s been an awfully long night and I will have more to say about how we’re going to punch the Liberals in the gut in coming days, but for now we have to clear the hall for an Ayahuasca For Seniors Ceremony that’s supposed to be coming in and starting up at 5:00, so if everybody could just make their way, in an orderly fashion, to the exits…
Let’s not keep our seniors waiting.
We’re not doing some social science study here, we’re getting things done.
MOTHER AYAHUASCA WAITS FOR NO MAN OR WOMAN!!!
EVERYBODY OUT, GODDAMIT!!!
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Me: Hey, it’s great to see you all again! Thanks for coming! As you can see there’s a bunch of food and wine…
Doug Ford*: I don’t drink.
Me: Oh, hey Doug!
Doug Ford: No alcohol at all. Not even a drop.
Me: Well, as I was saying, we have a bunch of food, wine and soft drinks on the dinning room table, and you should all feel free to help yourselves to whatever you want– and to avoid whatever you don’t! Anyway, the book we’re going to be discussing is the Hunter S. Thompson classic Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.
Thompson, as you know, pioneered Gonzo journalism, and I thought it might be worth having a look back at this book so that we might consider how the media covered politics in 1970 with how they cover it now. Would anyone like to get us started?
Anne: I don’t know, I think the book feels a little forced, a little dated now, but I really like the way that he portrays the American Dream as a kind of nightmarish hallucination.
Cormac: And the illustrations by Ralph Steadman are brilliant and terrifying, a perfect accompaniment.
Doug Ford: (Snort.)
Me: You didn’t like the illustrations, Doug?
Doug Ford: They look like chicken scratchings. Real garbage. Does smudging your work make it “artistic” or something? Let me tell you, the Ford family printing business never would have survived and been as successful as it was– and it’s been VERY successful– if we’d sent out smudgy work all the time.
It’s just unprofessional. Lazy. Makes me sick.
Me: Interesting point, Doug.
Anne: Did anybody see the movie version of Fear and Loathing, the one starring Johnny Depp?
Doug Ford: Luke Wilson.
Anne: Sorry?
Doug Ford: It starred Luke Wilson not Johnny Depp.
Anne: I just Googled it. Here, ( holding up phone) it says Johnny Depp.
Doug Ford: Nope. It was Luke Wilson. ( crosses arms)
Me: Well, ha-ha-ha, one things for certain, they’ve both been in an awful lot of movies!
Anne: ( In hushed voice) Michael, we talked about this. No more normalizing him, okay?
Me: ( In hushed voice) For the love of God, Anne, just be quiet!
Doug Ford: And let me tell you, I go to Vegas all the time, and wherever the hell those dirty maggot journalists in the book were, it sure as hell wasn’t Vegas!
Cormac: I wonder how Hunter S. Thompson would have covered the mass shooting in Vegas? I would love to have read a Fear and Loathing where they were driving to Vegas in order to cover the shooting instead of the motor cycle race!
Anne: Yeah, that would have been a really interesting twist, I think.
Doug Ford: Last time I was in Vegas was just six weeks ago. For a Neil Diamond concert.
Wife is a bit of a Diamond Head, so we do a lot of road trips through the States attending his concerts. I tell you, that is a man with real talent. We should be talking about him. Sweet Caroline? You name me a better song. Go on! I dare you!
( Uncomfortable silence in the room)
Doug Ford: That’s what I thought.
- Doug Ford is a well-known Toronto politician who was brother to mayor Rob Ford, and who is currently running to become the leader of the Conservative party of Ontario.